Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Passing the paper

George and I arrived in London a couple of days ago to be with my siblings over New Year's. It was freezing when my bro Timmy and his wife picked us up from Heathrow, so much so that when we got to the house in Esher they had to sort us out with electric blankets and hot water bottles. We both had zero blood flowing through our circulatory systems...brrrrr and you know how bad that is for sex.

BTW flight KQ 116 to Amsterdam for the connection to London was crap and I'm still annoyed about it but that's the subject of a detailed post coming here very soon.

In the meantime please enjoy some Direct Drive passing the paper.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Never forget 97

I just wanted to say a big Thank You to all who visit my blog - much love to you all.

I share Femi Kuti's performance here and I hope you'll feel the fire that comes with it. Only one Fela. I'll never forget 97 but I plan to keep smiling whatever.

Happy 2010 everyone. xx xxx.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Storm over paradise

Happy Christmas and best wishes for the New Year to friends (and foes) from a rain-soaked Nairobi. Last night the taps in heaven really opened but we say thanks for the rain because it was getting beyond a joke.

Laters, and hope you all have a great time, we plan to.... xxx xxx xx

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Doctor

I recently saw a poster on a roadside utilities cabinet near the City Stadium (Italics are mine):

'Dr Hodari - Consultant Doctor (tel 0721 xxx xxx) helps in -

* Love portions (Stir-in and drink from a horny goat's horn?)

* Man Power (This deficiency is not about the lack of employment, lol)

* Woman weakness (Casanova's cure?)

* Family Affairs (Dear Dr, I have the hots for my son...?)'

It's a mad world for sure.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

G touring on two wheels

My best friend Mike lent me his new Honda 250cc motorbike for the day so I thought I’d take it for a spin on the outskirts of Nairobi to a place called Kitengela . I cruised gaily feeling like one of them from CHiPs in my Oakley whisker black shades up to just after Mlolongo where I’d forgotten there are diversions due to road works. So much plant – Bomag rollers, Shantui diggers, Caterpillars with buckets the size of an average lorry. The Chinese really do know how to build roads, I think it’s all in the stir-fry. But this section of road is rough terrain and I was breathing in serious dust especially from the lorries around Bamburi Cement and East African Portland Cement. The air quality around those parts doesn’t feel too healthy.

I got to Kitengela town at about 2pm and stopped at Tarino Butchery (what happened to Tarino the soft drink from the 80's?) for a change, we normally have our lunch at Mariakani Meat Park which is directly opposite or at Hotel Nomad which is further up the road. My helmet visor was covered in a chalky dust which I wiped off on my jeans’ bum. They usually have meat ready cooked so I ordered chemsha (boiled beef) and mbavu choma (roast goat ribs), ugali with kachumbari salad which was excellent . I laughed when I saw the sign next to the sink where I washed my hands: tafadhali usiteme mate wala kunawa uso kwa sink (please do not spit or wash your face at the sink). When I read it first I thought ‘mate’ (Swahili for spit) was ‘mate’ as in friend. Lol!

I also saw two handsome Masai men in traditional dress holding hands and carrying heavy rungu’s (clubs) so I didn’t ask them if they were gay because there was 50:50 chance I may be very wrong.

After lunch I thought I can’t stand that section of rough road again or else I’ll bring up my lunch on Mike’s new toy so I turned off towards Tuskys Athi, vroomed past the Ministry of Livestock Development Meat Training Institute (I swear that’s what the sign said, so next time you have a disciplined steak you’ll know where it’s come from). I joined the Mombasa Road at Devki Steel Mills and stopped at Zahra Service Station (please pave your forecourt) for petrol and to make a phone call to the other half who was so jealous because he was at work. I said honey please pray for me I’m on Mike’s bike on Mombasa Road and there are trucks and buses driven by maniacs everywhere.

When I got to River Park Estate more dust went up my nose which made me wonder for some few seconds why people ever bother snorting cocaine but I was more curious about the modular houses which look like upside down teacups. So I went off to have a look but when I got there it was just a big black gate and no one to ask. Please if someone knows what they are please let me know.

Nearer to Nairobi after City Cabanas I walked the bike in traffic for about 40 minutes because I know it can be fatal for cyclists when inconsiderate drivers suddenly open their doors. I was next to a 40ft Kuehne Nagel container truck wondering how flat as a pancake I’d be if it toppled over. I saw two youngish lads riding precariously standing on the rear bar of a pickup truck, just another way to get home.

Luckily I just beat the real rush hour headache when I arrived at our house. I’ve just had a long shower and I’m relaxing in the study waiting for George. Imelda is making one of my favs for our dinner which is tilapia caught this morning but soon to be swimming in a rich tomato sauce served with KPL Super Aromatic Rice in coconut milk which is just so delish. That’ll put me in the mood for what-you-are-thinking-of-when-you-are-not-sleeping- which- is- sex. Goodnight all.

Friday, December 11, 2009

He's back!

My dear George came back home last night. He said he had needed some space - I wonder do men get PMS? I was so happy to see him I said honey don't worry about anything we'll work through our problems. Our family is back together again and that's all that counts for now.

Imelda and I missed Gee so much we had a small party for him when he got here, pizzas and lots of wine. I said a silent prayer thanks God for bringing my love back home safe. I also folded away my old Raymonds Polar Bear blanket that I've had since I was a little boy (I picked it up from my mum's on Monday night) and which I was using to comfort me through the lonely nights, even though it's been easily 20 degrees at night. I haven't been to work today and neither has George, we've been in the garden talking and basking in the sun.

Thanks everyone for your kindness - my heart was warmed by your concern and your love dried my tears of despair. I'm sure Gee knows how much he means to me and to you guys too. Have a lovely weekend all. xxx x

Monday, December 7, 2009

Honey please come back I love you

George walked out this evening. We had a small argument, just about him ignoring me and stuff. I'm heartbroken,I love him with all my heart all you guys are my witness. Now I feel as if I'm going to die.

Gee, honey I know you'll come to the blog, this is for you baby. I'm so sorry for anything I said or did. Please come back home.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

A pussycat growls?

I don’t know what to make of claims that the world’s greatest golfer is ‘horrible in bed’. Part of me wants to cry and send some tips because it’s not nice when someone says that about you especially when your first name is Tiger - the grrrrr. The other side of me wants to just lol! thinking it might be a case of putting in the wrong hole....mmmm? Mmmm? Lol!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Joining the dots

It’s that time again friends. Yes we have another poll! Weeheeeii!! Well well, first let’s recap on what we’ve seen from polls conducted here so far:

1) The majority want Kenya to decriminalise homosexuality

2) Kalonzo Musyoka was chosen as the sexiest male politician

3) The dream cock picked was the cut one (such fashion victims *eye-roll, sigh* but the people have spoken!)

So what do these results really mean? My take is that many Kenyans will come out of the closet once Kalonzo becomes President of Kenya, but he first needs to cut a deal with KANU (party of the cockerel, get it?). There’s a method to the madness, please bare bear with me because that’s all the analysis my brain can process for now, it’s nearly full.

So, let move on to the new poll which deals with bisexuality. It’s on the left. Please vote. Thanks.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Second Chances

Two weeks ago I was busy with annual staff appraisals. I know many people I work with secretly loathe these rituals but they are an inevitable tool for touching base so we just get on with it. I had a copy of 101 Ways To Kill Your Boss by Graham Roumieu sitting idly on my desk which was a good ice-breaker. BTW check out what the genius Sunny Bindra thinks of these office games.

One of my colleagues, let’s call her Cathy because that’s not her real name, has been troubling me recently. Cathy has a first rate mind and her work is greatly admired by her peers. But lately she’s started acting out of character – missing deadlines, turning up for work under the influence and generally coming within inches of being shown the door.

Cathy is also very attractive and charming. You better believe it when a gay man says that. However this immensely talented woman is steadily gaining a reputation for being an easy lay. My colleague Sheila confided in me the other day that some clients now refer to Cathy as 'the Trampoline of Harambee Avenue'! Tragic considering this whispering campaign is happening behind her back and it’s the guys she’s changing weekly who are the culprits.

Anyway she walked into my office looking stunning as usual in a well-fitting pin-stripe business suit and tottering on black heels. I felt an unfamiliar twitch in my trousers but I quickly telepathed a sharp warning to my cock, If your dick causes you to sin then cut it off, from the scriptures or somewhere I can’t remember where I saw it written. Then I said please take a seat. I had my nasty-Tamaku speech all ready: Listen very carefully to what I’m about to say because I’ll only say it once. From now on you must come to work to do what is expected of you. That’s called Pride. Bring your own morale with you if that’s what you need to earn a living. Think of your career and the lovely cold hard cash that comes with it. If you think that’s too difficult then perhaps it’s time you reconsidered your future here. No ifs no buts.

But I didn’t, I just paused to think for a minute while stroking my sixteen greying beard hairs and asked, is there something troubling you?

That’s when she covered her face and started crying. I hate seeing any tears so I said I’m so sorry Cathy if something has upset you we can adjourn our meeting. But she composed herself quickly and told me that she was recently diagnosed with HIV! I ended the meeting there and then but we carried on talking for two hours. I said you need to take responsibility for your life because if you carry on like this you’ll surely find an early grave and it may not be the HIV. She said she had not found the courage to talk to anyone before so I said I’d put her in touch with some professionals who will help and she has nothing to fear but fear itself. We talked about lots of stuff that she wanted to talk about like plans for raising a family. I laughed in mock horror when she said that she’s looking for a guy but the good ones in Nairobi are all gay. I said loudly nooo! In my head I thought yeess!

Finally she left my office looking much brighter and more like her old self. Something tells me she’ll turn things around soon. I'm also praying that she does.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Why I’ll never be a fan of Wan-tree-eel or Da Osi...

Most nights George likes to relax in bed watching his cherished dvds. Note the ‘his'. NOTHING is ever allowed to come in between him and his favourite dramas. Last Saturday he was engrossed in yet more One Tree Hill when I came out of the bathroom from cleaning my teeth. I was happily singing ‘secret lovers, yeah that’s what we are, we shouldn’t be together...’ when he gave me that look which says sshhh Tamaku, can’t-you-see-I’m-watching-something-v.important-here. So I stopped singing and got into bed. It’s fair to say that my tail was in between my legs as I snuggled up to George’s warm side hoping that we would soon be engaged in some horizontal jogging. ‘Cause we love each other so...ooh...ooh.’

Moments later when nothing of the sort happened (yet again) I started snoring sweetly (as I usually do whenever I start dreaming of me and Jeff Koinange sitting naked on The Bench doing something like an interview, haha!), that’s when George uncuddled me! Obviously the action on screen was at some life and death stage and my purring was distracting him so he pushed me away and I rolled to the other side of the bed. Arrrrrgh. Same thing happens when he’s watching The OC or that other one called Heroes, I’m not allowed to say a word in case he blinks and misses a scene. He says it’s never the same if he has to pause and rewind. By the time he’s watched four episodes I’m in no mood for anything.

Now I feel like I’m losing my man to teen dramas. So unfair....

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Are Kenyan parents to blame for homophobia?

A comment in the Daily Nation following the news that gay rights will be left out of our proposed Constitution could explain the root of the deep-seated homophobia that exists in our society:

1. Submitted by alfotula
Posted November 20, 2009 09:49 AM
I dont want to explain to my young children why two men or two women are kissing. I would not know what to tell them bcos idont understand gay relationship. Last year, I was very shocked by the way gay parade their affection in public places in Stockholm and I would not want to see that in Nairobi.



My views on that? How about parents start by explaining to their children what TRUE LOVE really means? Surely there cannot be a worse example of woeful parenting than comments as those which display such helpless ignorance. Capable and loving parents are those who do not shy away from educating their offspring about the diversity that exists in the modern world. Any children abandoned to such an insular environment of intolerance can expect to be disadvantaged in an evolving future and the blame will lie squarely with their negligent carers.

Brave parents who visit here, please take note - today’s homophobe is almost certain to be tomorrow’s pariah.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Daft law discriminates against gay Kenyans

Kenya’s new proposed Constitution will, as anticipated, not permit for same-sex unions. It’s baffling how this Draft that allows for adults to enter into unions based on 'free consent of the parties' would then purposely exclude other citizens based on their sexual orientation.

What part of ‘adult’, ‘free’ and ‘consent’ do these legal experts have a difficulty understanding?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

9 months later....

None of us is pregnant nor will we be expecting babies anytime soon. We’re still taking the usual precautions against that type of STD! Actually that’s how long it’s been since I started this blog. I must say it’s been one hell of a ride, very different from my usual writing that I do at another place. I’ve made great blogging friends and also had my eyes opened wide to the challenges that gay people face every day.

Along the way I’ve had invitations to parties which I haven’t been able to attend (too old), received death threats which I didn’t take seriously (anon is as useful as a limp dick) and had shocking offers of a good time from all sorts of men (now I know why men are six times more likely to be struck by lightning than women). And even some women who wanted to turn me into a nice straight man. I turned all of them down nicely. Including the ones offering gifts (I’m not sure I’m worth much anyway, lol!).

All in all I’m still enjoying blogging and learning stuff about myself and about people generally. I hope to keep this going for as long as I enjoy it. Some mean people call this blog ‘Diarrhea of a gay Kenyan’, ha ha haha.

So, whatever your thoughts just remember that Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us - Thomas L Holdcroft.

I love you all. Peace. xxx xxx.

A silence that speaks volumes

My friend Cynthia Vukets, a Canadian journalist recently did interviews with a section of Kenyans from the LGBT community following the news of the Civil Partnership of Charles Ngengi and Daniel Gichia in the UK. You can view the full article on her blog http://lowdownonline.com/notebook-nairobi.

For me more questions are raised now that the dust seems to have settled. What did the media frenzy and the shameful attacks on the right to privacy achieve? Where was the support of our LGBT organisations in the aftermath when three people were physically attacked by homophobic thugs? What of the police when radio stations were calling for violence against gay citizens? Where have all the peace-loving Kenyans who fight for justice and fairness gone?

Monday, November 9, 2009

999 say Mungiki Man might have been killed by XYZ

Some events are as predictable as me getting an erection from watching porn. I notice not many people have come out to publicly moan the murder of Mungiki spokesman Njuguna Gitau, and don’t expect me to either. That would be cynical considering I didn’t know the man nor do I knowingly associate with the Mungiki. Ever since he surfaced last year I often wondered for how long he would continue to freely front a proscribed group whose members have been accused of running extortion rackets whilst carrying out the most despicable of murders.

And yet something about the circumstances of his demise unsettles me: Perhaps because his killing has all the hallmarks of an assassination and elements of tacit endorsement by dark forces. This explanation of infighting within the sect lacks imagination and seems to me like a cop out. You’d have to be spectacularly foolish to carry out a crime of this magnitude in broad daylight, on a busy street that normally has a high presence of armed uniformed and plainclothes police and then casually saunter away.

Inconceivable’ doesn’t even come close.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Where is Oprah Winfrey in our hour of need?

It’s wonderful to see the number of people who are standing up to be counted as gay Kenyans fight for their rights. I applaud all of you, let me just mention some of these fearless torch-bearers who continue to question our society’s entrenched views: from cartoonist Gathara, Betty Caplan, Dr Paula Kahumbu, Prof Makau Mutua, Rasna Warah, Onyango-Obbo, Peter Mwaura, Cabral Pinto and many many others this illustrious list is growing by the day. Did I hear you say President Obama? Thank you all for choosing to stand firm on these important issues in the face of a hostile and hateful backlash.

The hour is now and the urgency has never been greater. What about you dear reader, can we count on your influence and support? Will you join our quest to end this discrimination of gay people?

Now, if only Oprah could lend her support....

Friday, November 6, 2009

Could this be a solution to Nairobi’s overheated property market?

I’ve been researching on suitable housing alternatives considering that very soon George and I plan to be living on a farm far away from the city. In recent years the price of property within the prime suburbs has escalated beyond all but the most resilient budgets. We initially considered shipping containers converted into living spaces but somewhere very deep in our minds lurks an image of being trapped inside one during an inferno and getting baked ‘oven’ style. Hardly our take on a spit roast.

So we moved on to study tents as a temporary fix but I’m not sure just how practical these structures would hold up in El-Nino type conditions. Just as I was giving up, voila we spotted this video of a tiny and functional house. We both think it’s beautiful, with all mod-cons and relatively inexpensive, now we are on the hunt for a builder.

Take a look at this plan. I think most loving couples would be cosy in one of these. On a 30 x 60 ft parcel there might even be room for a garden! Outside jacuzzi and barbecue? You bet!

I confess that Jay Shafer the designer of these masterpieces is easy on the eye too.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Heterophobia?

I overheard a conversation recently between two gay men: ‘Some of these straight Kenyan men are secretly grateful to learn that there are many gays in their midst. The reduced compe(tition) means they now stand a better chance of ever getting laid before they die.’

I was horrified to hear this wet and rather warm mind fart.

Nauseous.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Gays in love

Let me tell you about last week. George was off work with a chest infection. I found it difficult to stay focussed with my work , sick with worry. Monday and Tuesday evenings I slipped into my role as nurse, lovingly rubbbing some Vicks on his chest. Mind you just on the chest, lol. Thankfully the good doctor in Upperhill said it was only a mild infection nothing serious but to hear poor George you’d have thought he was at death’s door. So I played along dispensing large doses of Tamaku's 'medicine' - whisky, crushed ginger, honey from Chyulu hills (the honey from there is the best, I think Kenyan gay bees make it) and some lemon with hot water. Aaaaah. Even Imelda says she’s envious of how I spoil him but he’s all I’ve got so I don’t know how else to be.

Wednesday evening we arranged to meet in town after I’d finished work and then we went for a stimulating aromatherapy massage followed by a session in the steambath. It was the two of us and another youngish shy guy who accidentally let his towel slip to give us a flash of his fine nuggets but we weren’t interested. By this time we were both more than horny so we left the club which is off Loita Street and George drove us home fast via Hurlingham for some Chinese takeaway. When we got home it was after 8, we gave the bags of food to Imelda and said go ahead we’ll eat later. Then we went straight upstairs to our room. Boy, I can’t get enough of my guy and the sex is amazing too. Later I came downstairs and made us some bacon sandwiches because we didn’t feel like eating the noodles. Imelda loved them though.

On Thursday I’d promised George we’d go to the sports club for dinner after work but I completely forgot when meetings overrun. I arrived home after 9pm and there was no-one downstairs so I took my dinner from the oven and had it at the table in the kitchen alone. The house was quiet, I knew Imelda was in her annex probably doing some studying for the accountancy course she's doing. The only other light was in the stairwell from upstairs where I knew George was. When I got to the bedroom he was curled up in bed watching a dvd of Singing In the Rain which was almost coming to an end. He didn’t look too pleased and that’s when I remembered oh shit we were supposed to go out! I said I’m so sorry baby sweetie but he was having none of it, he just turned the other way and said turn the lights off when you come to bed.

I was feeling so guilty as I showered but I shouldn’t have been worried because when I slipped inside the warm bed all was forgiven. Believe me, nothing beats naughty-boy sex. The days when I lived alone and regularly came down with wanker’s cramp are well and truly in the past.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Principles all Kenyans should protect

I just saw this article by Professor Makau Mutua which is absolutely brilliant. It’s really uplifting to read these arguments which speak to the hearts and minds of all decent humans. I can’t add to or deduct from it but I thought the least I could do is to just ask that you read and then embrace the selfless spirit in which it is delivered, regardless of your sexual orientation. Peace.

George and I are enjoying some tusker lagers and each other's company, cheers to you all!

Friday, October 30, 2009

I don see nothin wrong

Something for the weekend. Mr Kelly helps others to do their thing and nearly makes my screen melt. Is he good or what? Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Gay is OK: hit back on Kenyan journalists....by Paula Kahumbu

Please listen to this powerful piece of advocacy. I urge you to say NO to a particularly virulent strain of hate that is permeating through sections of our media. Click on the link below for Dr Paula Kahumbu's podcast.


Chirbit | Share audio easily | paulakahumbu | Gay is OK: hit back on Kenyan journalists...

Posted using ShareThis

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Making up for lost time

It’s no exaggeration to say the past couple of weeks have been like a roller coaster rush for the long-ignored LGBT community in Kenya. I continue to receive a steady mixed-bag in my inbox. Well-wishers (thanks all) have written to say how excited they are about the acres of coverage written about homosexuals and on homosexuality. Positive or negative, they are just happy to have this issue thrust into the open. On the other side a majority who hold a different view continue to be less than charitable. But hey, that’s the beauty we call freedom of expression.

What stands out is the extent and variety of this attention. We now have a bungling priest who finds himself neck-deep in murky waters after his outrageous take on recent events. Mainstream media can’t seem to get enough of men in drag, and the public mood appears to be shifting too. Perhaps they think that all gay men like to prance around in their grandmother's dresses and badly done make-up which appears to be harmless fun. Nothing wrong with that, to each their own. I’d like to think that by next week a bored and desensitized public will think nothing of a front page showing a picture of two men shagging snogging. Next!

It’s amazing how much can happen in 2 short weeks. Hot on the heels the government is now seeking to find out how many gay Kenyans there are. About time too! You wait ages for a bus and then 3 come along at once. Indeed these are interesting times but we still have a long and bumpy road ahead of us.

So for now my friends, champagne remains on ice.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Spread of Fartism in Kenya

I laughed when I saw the piece on KTN about ‘Gayism in Kenya’ . Everyone knows that is the newest political movement in town followed by the gayists and lesbianists wishing to get to the promised land of Queerdom . You couldn’t make it up if you tried, the absurdity!

So I’ve come up with a new label for the so-called brand of journalism now prevalent in Kenya. It’s called Fartism, which is similar but not to be confused with Fascism. Of course those whose craft it is are known as fartists. Fartists are guilty of constantly farting and transmitting putrid smells in the name of news reporting. I would not be surprised one of these days to learn one of these fartists have gone too far and soiled their pants.

Otherwise I have no problem with the vast majority of straight Kenyans who religiously continue to hate homosexuals. Ok, only one or two issues that concern me as a gay man. Number one, please stop covering all your living room furniture with those ghastly crocheted fabrics. I hear they are a little-known cause of crotch rot. Number two, could the men please stop picking their noses. I counted three men on the streets last week with at least half an arm up inside their noses, mining for what I do not know.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

History of the Nation that liked to talk...

Continued from here:

Friends and foes, that was the season when few tongues stopped wagging. But please don’t mention land-grabbers because secretly many in that crowd - deep in their hearts - knew that given the chance they would grab even more. They talked themselves hoarse about the curse of homosexuality that had befallen faraway lands where proud sons and daughters of Kenya were prepared to be humiliated to be given permission to remain saying they had nowhere else to call home.

Some in the crowd went on a fast over those evil faggots, praying and talking in tongues wishing they be exterminated. Others fasted because they still had nothing to eat but they were now told they also needed to fast. After some time this storm also came to pass and the crowd dispersed, talking proudly about how they had stamped out the only sin from their land which would now remain pure forever.

When they returned jubilantly to their homes, it dawned on them that nothing much had changed while they’d been busy talking. Those who had been poor now risked starvation, those who had been rich were now wealthy beyond dreams, while those who had been sad were still denied justice.

It was said that the reason some of these Kenyans liked talking all the time without stopping was they believed that their debates would be heard by a God who would then make them a better People. So they continued talking, perhaps because they were also afraid of what they would hear if they only stopped to listen….

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

History lesson of the future: Kenya, the Nation that liked to talk

Once upon a time there was a violent storm in a teacup after a gay wedding took place in a foreign land. When some people of a country called Kenya awoke to the news they were very, very angry. They started shouting, moving from radio stations to newspapers and then to the internet which they liked to use to watch porn now and again. Overnight every disgusted holy man and his favourite barmaid mistress had an opinion and amid much chest-thumping and preaching, they said how much they loathed homosexuals because God had told them to.

On the following Monday a building collapsed and crushed to death several of their fellow hardworking but poorer citizens who worked at a place called Kiambu. Back then building codes in Kenya were frequently flouted and although people had even been burnt to death in firetraps the majority pretended not to notice this fresh tragedy because money was everything, and anyway this was a country where such things were expected to happen.

Meanwhile the crowd that gathered was ranting and foaming over the gay wedding, perhaps because they had not been invited to the reception. They barked together, ‘Unnatural, Un-African and Against Religion,’ baying for the newlyweds’ blood whilst eating the body of Christ. You could hear the screeching over valleys where heavy rains in the night drenched thousands of nameless women, innocent babies and children who had been forgotten in tattered tents for months due to fighting which had broken out because someone did not know how to count nuts. The infrastructure repairs that had been covered like foundation make-up over a wrinkled face and paid for again by overtaxed citizens started to crumble.

But for now the industrious Kenyan people were busy thinking only about another place called Sodom. They sharpened their pencils with the machetes which they kept under their beds and wrote to newspapers: ‘We are a God-fearing and peace-loving Nation. It’s an abomination. We must all hang our heads in shame and could the friendly Mungiki behead those sexual deviants from London if they ever set foot here.’


History lesson to be continued tomorrow…..

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

You're having a giraffe!

A response to all anonymous commentators who are bothered to spew their filth on this blog here are some home truths:

- Gays and Lesbians are here to stay and we will continue to fight for our rights until you commit mass suicide. Fact is many of you are sexually repressed with no outlet, but my advice is to remember that straps don't only belong on bras

- 'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww' is the name of the cheese you've got growing under your crusty cocks, taking organic too far

- I'd rather cut my dick off with a blunt and rusty blade standing in the muddy waters of Nairobi River to eat than live a life obsessed with the sexuality of others

Aaaaaah, felt good. Did you have a nice Kenyatta Day?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Help stop the Talibanisation of East Africa

These are testing times for sexual minorities in East Africa. I see that there is a bill before the Ugandan Parliament to further suppress the freedoms of gay and lesbian Ugandans and their supporters. It seems that our politicians, many whom are of questionable integrity, now want to police free thought and the private associations of their citizens. I am aghast but not surprised that politicians have set their sights on this issue instead of addressing rampant corruption and failure of their State organs.

‘Experts in Kenya’, currently grappling with a review of our Constitution, have also cowardly brushed aside the clamour for equal rights for gays. I am at a loss as to what purpose this review is meant to achieve if it is minded to exclude the rights of any section of the society. Are we not where we are today due to intolerance and bigotry? The continued criminalization of homosexuality is one that cannot be wished away by old and tired arguments about being un-African, unnatural and only informed by a religious right. Kenya must remain a secular state to be counted amongst the progressive nations of the future. Current arguments against homosexuality are lost when you consider that bar the history of colonization it’s likely that it would not even feature on our statute books.

People, whatever the sexuality need to be vigilant. Ignore these developments which only serve to make criminals of law-abiding fellow citizens at the peril of your own personal liberties . These politicians have shown time and time again that they cannot be trusted and given the chance they will further erode basic human rights. Please join the petition and let your voices be heard.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Kenyan gay couple wed

I am overjoyed that a gay wedding of Kenyans in London has made the news of the national press. We wish the lucky couple all the best in this new chapter of their lives together. George and I are thinking of the same, to deepen our commitment to one another - even though these unions are not recognised here. It's early days yet but we are determined to have a ceremony to exchange rings and vows witnessed by close friends and family. I'll wear white of course, don't even think to mutter but Tamaku's been around the block a few times unless you are a nun yourself. lol!

We hope you'll accept our invitation when the time comes. Tonight we are just both so happy to raise a glass or two to the newlyweds.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Photo of Tamaku burning in hell!!


A reader of this blog (not a fan) who hates gays wrote recently to me to say that George and I would burn in hell for being society's misfits! Lol! I thought, mmmmmm, how would I look with flames lapping my body?

So here you are, a picture of me as I would appear in the Devil's crib! Hope I haven't given anyone nightmares. Don't worry, dear God is merciful...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Which is the better cock-a-doodle-doo?

Hi folks,

We've got a new poll! Today I was looking at some of those gay dating sites and one thing that sticks out is how the profiles list 'type of cock', cut or uncut! So I thought I'd ask the burning question: which is the preferred model? Mmmmm, please vote and let's see what's in demand ;)

The poll is at the usual place (on the left).

Friday, October 9, 2009

Outstanding

Turn it up. This is for all my special friends. Some Kenny Thomas....you blow my mind....enjoy. Deliberately video missed out because pictures aren't everything ; )

Low standards in journalism, is excessive alcohol consumption a factor?

The attempted exposé by the Standard in their Pulse magazine today was anticipated in recent days and even previously discussed in some Kenyan LGBT circles. People were waiting for when, not if, the newspaper would publish those photos of men in drag. Call it a leak from within but this matter has not just jumped out from the blue. Of course the only way the women reporters would have tricked their way into that venue is that even as women they naturally look like men in drag. Ouch.

What was unexpected and laughable is the magazine’s attempt to tackle the weighty issue of sexuality. Clearly the NMG class of columnists you are not. The outcome is a hodgepodge of a team-effort by two mediocre journalists. Two wrongs don’t make a right but to be fair I could sense their joint sexual tension especially when they mentioned the ‘gal-on-gal action’ and ‘lovely’ Olivia. Could they also be harbouring a secret longing to be a part of this 'abomination' taking place in Africa? I take exception with these so-called investigative journalists who churn rubbish padded out with quotes from ‘anonymous sources’ and suspect ‘names-have-been-changed’ disclaimers. The temptation to titillate and sensationalize for the benefit of jumpstarting dwindling circulation numbers has proved irresistible. It’s also poor form to include the views from a ‘psychologist’ who clearly does not understand what she is talking about.

Anyway that newspaper should be your first port of call if you are interested in headlines such as ‘Man charged with making love to a hen’ (written by no less than FOUR reporters) or if you are curious on whether Tom Cholmondeley has paid someone to scratch his arse for him with a discarded toothbrush while in prison. Today’s article which was pointed out to me by a reader of this blog is poorly researched, woefully edited and badly written. I can only say thanks for the interesting photos, I hope the gorgeous fellas who have been outed remembered to shave their legs and armpits for the ‘shoot’. Loving that green wig by the way.

I’m deliberately more acerbic than usual today because it’s expected for stupid journalists to have thick hides, that’s par for the course in most parts. Those that don’t run a risk of ending up as bitter, broken alcoholics.

Oh and before I go – I’m really sorry for that night when your premises got trashed by those bad men. Really. Everyone agrees that was very naughty. Now dry your eyes and get over it.

Finally can I just say that I’m really a nice man and not vindictive at all. Miaow.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Life is a game of numbers

On my way to work I came across an old man pulling a mkokoteni (handcart) full of timber planks up a hill. He was obviously overworked and I guess underpaid too. I paused sitting in the traffic to reflect on just how tough life is on many people especially in these hard times. When I got to the office I thought to myself, you know what Tamaku, things could be so much worse. So I started counting my blessings, because sometimes we focus on the bad and forget the good that’s in our lives. Here’s some of that good that I’m lucky to count:


I’ve still got 32 teeth, all my own

My cholesterol is 4, thanks Imelda for making sure I have my 5 a day

I’m on the right side of 40, so still lots of time to do stuff

1 brain that continues to work inside a slightly big head

I average 8 hours sleep every night easily not worried that our house sits on a shadily acquired plot of road reserve

I have 1 great colleague Sheila and 1 wonderful friend Mike from back in the day

George and I still manage to do it well at least 3 times a week without Viagra - Hallelujah!

Safaricom IPO (Ksh 5, now Ksh 3.65) was a lesson but it could have been Eveready shares

Only 3 months till I quit formal employment (yes, I handed in my resignation letter last week) – I’ll soon be free to follow my dream!

65 followers for this blog (including myself), thanks guys!

Blood pressure around 120/80

000’s squirreled away over the years, not in a Ponzi

7 times a week I remember to say Our Father - Amen!

Only 3 grey pubes around the scrotum, hardly a cause for concern

Over 150 facebook friends and 1 no-nonsense mummy

So, those are my digits. Tomorrow I might get trapped in a lift on the 12th floor with someone who is on the Waki List but I’m not going to worry about that for now. What do you count that’s good in your life? And not dick size please, I know many of you are so blessed in that area ;)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Rape of Kenya

Lions have been prowling Nairobi malls and streets in the ongoing Pride of Kenya exhibition. I think it’s a cool way to create awareness and raise some money for conservation.

This got me thinking about a piece of artwork that I’ve been planning on getting commissioned. It’s a large fibreglass model of an erect penis (the height of 2 adult elephants stacked, one on top of another and as thick as the trunk of the baobab trees along Kenya’s coast) which will actually be a water fountain. This will be spouting and pumping the water into another huge model of an arse (about the size of ex-President Moi’s Uhuru Park monument). Later we can add sounds of an entire village having a simultaneous orgasm. Like a giant’s roar aaaarrrgghh aaaraarrgh. I’ll ask some engineer friends on the viability of a device to simulate the jerking at the end. Also we can have the water dyed so that it looks like the real stuff – I hear you, maybe mix the water with wheat flour? Ok, we can even add salt, happy? I'm loving the detail, you guys are so creative….

The exhibition will be mobile going round the country to symbolize how Kenyan MPs continue to rape the country’s resources by their huge pay packets and still refuse to pay taxes. After the campaign we can just park the monument outside parliament with a huge ribbon as a gift. The irony of it is they'll probably fight amongst themselves to see who gets to keep it, their greed knows no bounds.

Maybe this is just a lame gimmick, so if you’ve got any insane ideas to shame these MPs please share.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Amateur Dramatics (same shite different day)

It’s been an eventful week especially if you are ex-KACC boss Aaron Ringera (Ring-error?) who finally threw in the towel. Who cares that he loves Shakespeare? All together now: Oo-oh-oh that don’t impress me much ! We were paying you 2.5 million shillings a month so you can sit on the loo during lunch time catching up on the classics? Did you not get to read King John, Oftentimes excusing of a fault Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse? Good riddance. And the other one who had quit earlier , the deputy Dr Smokin-far-from -hot -Wanjala . What shame, now exit stage left and don’t look back!

Anyway I don’t even pretend to do meaningful political commentary, I just prefer to heckle because I am so tired of our Establishment. Frustrated and angry is also how I feel. The other in this supporting cast is the ever-smiling AG Amos Wako (Whacko?) What medication could he be on that prevents him from doing his job? Dr Conrad Murray your services may be needed here. But this patient seems to have no trouble sleeping at night : (

A breath of fresh air is ICC prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo, now there’s a true daddy! Nothing camp about him. No, no, no. OMG excuse me, fap fap fap, he looks quite hot too! I just hope he can come and take away the warlords many who are also thieves.

How was your week?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I love a bad man

Spent the day mulling over ideas of what to do with myself when I leave my job which looks increasingly like something I'll do. Mummy says I'll be ok if I venture into greenhouse farming. People need to eat, right? At the moment just not doing much but indulging myself with some random thoughts, some dark.

I love R Kelly, especially the early 90's stuff but I also came across this vid from the Shaft movie soundtrack. The gay man in me will always feel for the underdog. Hope you like. Let's keep talking. xxx xx xxx





R. Kelly - Bad Man
Free Music Videos at www.blastro.com

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Just a quickie

Hi everyone. Just wanted to catch up with what’s going on. Looks like Kalonzo Musyoka takes the crown for Kenya’s sexiest male politician as voted by you dear readers, unless there’s some overnight rigging which we all know is unheard of in Kenya! Perhaps he’ll include it in his manifesto for the 2012 elections...

I’m feeling down in the dumps and at a crossroads lately. Yesterday I went and treated myself to a 17-inch laptop thinking that would cheer me up but when I got home I didn’t even take it out of the box. I feel quite depressed.

So, I’m contemplating quitting my job - that’s the crossroads I’m at. I'm thinking of trying my hand at something that I enjoy but I don’t know what it is at the moment. I can’t blog full-time because I don’t think I can sustain myself (and us) on just roasted maize and tea! And people who responded to my CV post only want me to send them photos of me on a hammock in just my monkey-skin thong. Don’t they know how itchy those things are around the crotch?

Anyway, so perhaps I’ll start making jams and pickles to sell (Jamaku, anyone?). Or perhaps I could start a communal-wank where people come together (hear me out) and have a wank in a group while watching the same porn on a giant screen hence saving on electricity in their homes. Like a wanking chama. No? I really need some ideas, so please you clever people out there help me out.

Anyway there’s the end of my quickie which actually turned out to be a marathon session. Hehehe. Laters my dears.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Stroke it for me

One of my all time favs. God, why Aaliyah? Gone too soon..



Especially for my friend Paprika who is nursing a cold right now. Better soon hun!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How to conceal a weapon

Back in school I used to daydream a lot, especially during lazy Thursday afternoons staring outside at the grassed football pitches and beyond when we had double Geography. In my mid-teens more than 98% of these retreats into my own world were sexual in content the other 2% being about food. Not much has changed since, just the food replaced with booze. And I was not alone. In boys’ boarding schools MUCH time is spent thinking about sex, sex and more sex. Just ask those who do the laundry. Most boys myself included spent the afternoons drifting in and out of a state of blissful sexual intoxication, if you’d looked under the desks you’d be poked in the eye by the numerous painful boners threatening to topple the desks over. Back then that was the main reason boys had that glazed over look in class. These days teachers need to look out for glue sniffing and mobile facebook. The good ol’ days, aaahh.

I was nearly caught out one such afternoon during Miss Ruth’s class. She was a youngish beauty with a body that made it naked into many of my classmates’ bedtime fantasies. Many boys turned out A-grades in Geography hoping madly that they would be rewarded with a cup and tinker of her double C bells. On this afternoon I was dreaming about Dan our goalie who I’d recently discovered also liked ball play of a very different kind. Anyway Miss Ruth interrupted me out of my teenporn dreamland by the window: ‘Tamaku, would you come to the front of the class and present on the effects of rural-urban migration on African cities’.

I wouldn’t because I was wooden down there. I’d done my homework on demographics and could talk for days but if I stood up now Miss and the rest of the class would see the tent in my trousers. So I hurt Miss Ruth’s feelings because I was one of her favourites and shocked everyone else when I said, ‘No Miss, you can ask someone else I’m feeling rather tired today’ – which was the gross misconduct of high school but she let me off on account of my previous unblemished record. I also suspect that she realised that beneath an insolent male teenager might lie a throbbing head.

From that day on I learnt how to park my tool so that an erection did not turn into a wardrobe malfunction (I wear to the left, facing north-east when in y-fronts). Also I find a blazer buttoned up takes care of these embarrassing indiscretions. That’s the only reason why young hot black studs love their baggy jeans and why racist policemen who are closet gays love to stop them for searches...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Afrigator blog rankings taken with a pinch of salt

I noticed this morning that I'd been propelled to the cabinet of
Kenyan blogs at number 7 according to Afrgator.com(and 156 in Africa)!
Surely that would make me the equivalent of Minister for Water and
Irrigation in the government so thank you dear readers and followers
for the time you take to drop by, we do have a good laugh.

However call me a thankless bastard or one suffering from a dose of
low self esteem (or both) but I'm increasingly looking at these
rankings with a raised eyebrow. Is it just me? They seem to be all
over the place for Kenyan blogs. I even noticed recently that some
blogs have opted to move away and I'm only guessing that these wild
fluctuations have not helped. By the way for what it's worth can
Kenyan IT bods not provide an alternative? I feel like Afrigator ina
wenyewe (Afrigator has it's owners)

There. I've said what some are thinking. Gators have sharp teeth and
they do bite so I'm going to find somewhere to hide my sweet ass even
though I hope we can still be friends.

PS: It's hilarious that as I was typing this out my ranking went back
to my regular 19th in Kenya and 420th in Africa. Seems I was only
Flavour of the Morning :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Please see my CV and help me get a job

Hi prospective employers, please find attached my CV. You can send me your offers by email. I'm available for interviews most nights. Thanks xxx xx


Tamaku CV

Age: Legal

Sexual orientation: Very gay

Languages
: English and pure Sheng

Key Skills

Dicking, bend and snap after some drinks, shakin it, ass poppin and dropping it like its hot with my boyfriend George. We come together (the best way).

Interests


I enjoy exposing myself in gents’ toilets in Nairobi bars to show off my package and getting free trebles on a Friday night in Westlands. Occasionally we have a grope with my colleague Sheila just to check the equipment is still in working condition for women who might need some attention. I also enjoy the attention of all my blog friends but I want to touch some of them inappropriately one day.

Career to Date

From: June 2009
To: Current
Company: Camp David Strippers of Nairobi, some blogging.
Job Title: Certified Wench of Note
Key skills and activities: Versatile, hot, hot, hot. Being able to move and throw some pant poppin shapes. Brilliant customer servicing and keep them coming back.

From: March 2006
To: June 2009
Company: Tamaku Inc
Job Title: Sexual Healer
Key skills and activities: Training gay men how to blow and stroke hot bots while studying porn in local cyber cafes without being spotted. Advanced technique in hand jobs while driving along Uhuru Highway in rush hour traffic. Ability to perform complex origami shapes using just my toned butt cheeks. Also avoiding getting diseases which has been successful so far.

From: January 2004
To: February 2006
Company: Nuts & Screws in Nairobi
Job Title: Sampler
Key skills and activities: Showing Nairobi gay boys how to look tight and what they should be looking for in other men.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Mama was right



Don't rush to get old. Have a great weekend my friends. Love ya.. xxx xxx

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Nairobi pornographers, prostitutes, perverts, pimps plus pushers pursue phoney promises of prosperity

A mole tells me of this cameraman who was recently contracted to film his first adult movie at a boarding and lodging room now converted into a studio above some shops along a seedier part of Nairobi’s Luthuli Avenue. The guy got carried away when the action got too steamy, he just dropped his camera and proceeded to relieve his tension just as the cast were on the verge of the grand finale. The video camera lens was generously spluttered with his dna (jism and spunk are so 1970’s darlings). Some ‘swimmers’ even reached our hapless cameraman’s hairy chest and not only was he ejected from the set but he also had some explaining to do later that evening when his wife discovered dried and crusty remnants. Anyway she happily swallowed the old porridge-on-the-chest line.

Irony of it all, I’m told, is the cameraman’s solo performance (faster than Bolt doing 100 meters on Red Bull) was better that the actors’ jaded fakery but no one recorded it. I managed to acquire the off-camera sounds of a very authentic ‘aaaargh aaaargh aargh aargh’ which George now has as his phone ringtone.

Coming when you are called…..

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Confessions of a gay Kenyan student

“There was this older student who singled me out for bullying when I joined a leading secondary school some years back. John, a prefect of my private boarding house was muscular and quite handsome in a rugged way but he started picking on me the day I started. The abuse was mainly verbal insults and sometimes physical (slaps and kicks), generally making my life a misery.

One early morning I caught John peeping at me from the next cubicle as I took a shower. He had that hungry look in his eyes, the sound of slapping as he soaped himself vigorously up and down. I see that look even today in some older men who lurk in the bars here in Nairobi sipping warm lager from the bottle as they ogle at younger men from dimly lit alcoves. That’s when I decided to teach John a lesson.

Days later on a Saturday evening John came to me in the common room as we watched TV after supper and whispered hoarsely, ‘Hey you, I’ve got a half bottle of vodo, come see me in my room after lights out.’ I knew what he wanted and he was taking a big risk – and not just with the alcohol. He looked so pathetic and that’s when it dawned on me that I had the upper hand so I whispered back to him: ‘I’ll be busy scrubbing my feet as my toes are itching so bad, I think I’ve got athlete’s foot. After that I’ll have my mug of bournvita with milk and then go to bed.’ I’m so busy galfriend. All these years later I still delight to recall his face crushed in disappointment.

The bullying stopped then and John spent the rest of the term chasing after me like a puppy. I kept him keen with my choirboy smile, a dose of slow sleepy eyes and the occasional flash of my toned teen cakes in the showers pretending to drop and then slowly pick up my soap when it was just the two of us. It got ridiculous when he started writing me love notes and leaving them under my pillow in the dormitory (a conundrum for 'dirty room'). Then one evening before we closed for the holidays when he caught me flicking through a much-thumbed copy of Tits & Clits that the cook had lent to my friend Martin, I let John blow me. I’ve never been a heartless monster, I do my bit for charity and I didn’t want him to do something reckless that would see him get expelled that’s why I gave in.

So on that moonless March evening John, Senior Prefect and Rugby Captain went on his knees on the cobbled walkway behind the physics lab and finished me off. All I remember is watching him slavering like a rabid dog on a hot day in Nanyuki. So desperately heartbreaking.”


As told to Tamaku, names changed to protect the guilty now married with kids.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dreams of new Kenyan trains by man-eaters

The government has promised that we will have modern trains traversing
the country in a few short years! I can't wait for the Nairobi to
Mombasa carriages...wow, the fun and comfort we will all have such as
what George and I enjoyed on this train from northern England some
weeks ago.

Imagine listening to piped Malaika as you shuttle through Tsavo at
160kph! Magical...simply magical. And the widescreen TVs showing movies as well as the restaurants and bars showcasing Kenyan delights that will make your journey that little bit extra special! With first-class cabins offering unrivalled service...

Pack your bags....

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Paprika allows me to misuse her assets...

My friend Paprika lets me put her boobs to some use while we enjoy
some drinks and a smoke. You can say it gives a new meaning to fag
hag....

I enjoyed the ciggie afterwards - thanks for asking ;)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Racks & Balconies

Here's a spicy treat for all you boys (and gals). George and I met up
with an old friend of mine here in London this afternoon and I
convinced her after some drinks to flash her ample cleveage.

Let me know what you think - there are more pictures, if you ask I'll
post them here...

I call her Paprika.

London's burning

Just witnessed the arrival of fire engines attending to a fierce blaze
at a business premises on Dudden Hill Lane NW10. Brings back
memories of that horrific Nakumatt inferno.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The men are all the same...

I've been very naughty this past week so I thought let's just end it how we started. This video pushes all my buttons, I think I was a podium dancer in a past life. Tina Turner is brilliant...



Lovely weekend all. xxx x

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Tamaku Personals

'Gay prof Nairobi White male WLTM similar. 6ft tall, well-built, 32 -
35, likes gym, staying in or going out. Must be financially
independent. No twinks, prefer mature muscular, esp bbc and top for
LTR.'

A friend asked me to help him meet someone. If you meet the bill or
know someone who does then drop me an email at the usual place. Thanks.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Smelling lovely down there - The Washcloth

I've received an avalanche of emails from women ((ok, two) who choose
to do their men's laundry. It's a plea for help so I promised to post
it here so that the concerned menfolk (main culprits) can take
appropriate action:

'Dear Tamaku, I keep finding brownish streaks on my boyfriend/
husband's underwear, sometimes on our bed sheets too! I don't know how
to broach the subject because I assumed that grown men should have
learnt all about personal hygiene. Please see how you can assist.' -
Jane from Nairobi.

Ok first of all as everyone knows I have a wonderful policeman
boyfriend and he hasn't got that problem but I can understand how
revolting it is to view skid marks leave alone wash them off. Yuck!
Yikes!

So guys please take some extra care and scrub down there well until
it's fresh enough to lick (ehehehe) - simply soap and give it a
thorough rinse, repeat until washcloth is free of debris. You might
even discover you enjoy it (GAY! GAY!). And while you're at it also
wash your own underwear. Or else get a washing machine.

Jane and all women and men in similar dilemmas, you owe me bigtime! I
may call in a favour or two soon.

My good deed for the week is done.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tamaku photo 1

Photo of me and a female friend from our recent holiday on a coldish
beach in the north east of England. We had just written on the sand
'Tamaku was here' when it was nearly washed away.

Monday, August 17, 2009

3 advantages of taking it up the arse

(1) People won't hear your farts....

(2) Less constipation...

(3) You don't have to kiss while having sex if you don't want to....

Have a lovely Monday and week ahead guys.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Who is the sexiest politician in Kenya? Vote here...

I know the way you guys like polls so I’ve got a new one for you. The question I’m asking is which Kenyan male politician you’ve got the hots for: Choose between (in alphabetical order of second names) Uhuru, Kalonzo, Raila and Ruto.

The poll is on the left, it’ll run for a while (scientific research, lol!) and pictures of the hunks are below to help you decide.

Uhuru Kenyatta


Kalonzo Musyoka


Raila Odinga


William Ruto

Happy voting.

*******UPDATE*****This poll closed and the results were announced on this post.

My hangover lesson

Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Homo Erectus spotted in Nairobi bar

I was having a quiet drink last night after work while waiting for my George when a female beauty (random score of 50 points) invited herself to my table where I was seated alone. She said she was waiting for someone too so we shared a table and she even bought me a drink. After about an hour or so I was shocked to be invited to her pad for the promise of a good time, it would cost me only 20,000 shillings (expensive for Nairobi, I’m told so deduct 30 points for over-charging) for the whole night but I would 'love every single hot inch of it, daddy'. Meanwhile she didn’t leave any tantalizing descriptions out. If you were eavesdropping you’d have been driven crazy when she told me about her ‘vet’ skills in mouth to mouth for male chickens (50 points). Dear reader I confess I was turned on by this stranger but luckily I remembered that all these are just temptations of the flesh sent by the devil (ashindwe kabisa!) and my mind should be stronger that’s when I started breathing normally and regained my composure.

To be fair to her she was also extremely well-dressed (15 points), with an air of worldly sophistication (35 points) and would have easily passed for a successful businesswoman. And very well-spoken (25 points) I might add, I was mesmerised by her confidence and charm (30 points). Of course I declined the offer of sex from this young lady because I don’t remember how to screw with women – what goes where & how! You can forget you know, it’s not like riding a bicycle. Although on some pornos I’ve looked at it looks like that’s the idea some men have of sex.

Anyway she’d gone by the time George showed up but I told him about my encounter on the way home. So we started wondering: is there any difference between a high class prostitute and a low class one?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Mind games

Jeez, I can only think of boys, sex and beer - and it's only lunchtime
on a Wednesday!

What's on your mind?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I'm... commiiinngg......

Surely the best from the number one diva. Try listening to it while moving your head and shoulders cobra-style and the finger motion for added attitude, 'do you have a problem?' Is there a problemo? OMG, I'm gay beyond redemption, hehehehee!!



Once in a while they let me come out....(Poor italics get abused. Please, not to be confused with Italians - not many are poor)

Monday, August 10, 2009

It's a tough job but Tamaku’s got to do it

George and I had a wonderful time. I had meetings scheduled in London for 3 days while staying at my brother Timmy’s in Esher. Initially George was to accompany me while visiting his sister who also lives in London with her family. However 2 days before we left Nairobi we had a telephone call to say that their youngest daughter was ill with swine flu which meant it wasn’t right to visit. Instead I asked my brother if I could bring a friend and he said yes. It worked out fine, my brother and his wife have two grownup children who’ve flown the nest so we had a room each to ourselves which was really hard on us both sleeping apart for the sake of appearances. On our last night there I couldn’t bear it so I sneaked myself into George’s room for a cuddle and squeeze but I fell asleep until the morning. When I got up to tiptoe on creaking floorboards across the hall back to my room I bumped into my brother’s wife Claudia coming out of the bathroom. The shock on both our faces said it all; I’m sure now Timmy knows the whole deal.

London feels like a home away from home for me, sadly we didn’t have enough time to revisit many old haunts. It was George’s first visit out of Kenya and it thrilled me to rediscover the delightful sights through his eyes even though the weather was being undecided. We even got to see where the real Queen lives and enjoyed a walk along Park Lane on a glorious sunny day. We went a bit wild shopping at Westfield mainly buying some le creuset cookware and Sabatier knives for our kitchen. Afterwards we went to meet George’s sister Alma for a sumptuous Italian lunch and 3 bottles of delicious white wine (yes, I started drinking again). We hit it off with Alma with no awkward questions and George was over the moon because he’d been agonising what she was going to think. Turns out Alma’s a delightful funny young woman and I believe a rewarding friendship lies ahead for us both. On our way back to Esher with shopping bags on the cab floor, we were kissing and holding hands like honeymooners and laughing and I enjoyed a nibble of Gee’s ear. We didn’t care, I got to know what our politicians' impunity feels like and the cabbie didn’t even bat an eyelid at us seated in the back. When the cabbie glanced on the view mirror he asked cheekily whether we were royalty from Africa and I said yes darling we are queens from the Kenyan Washoga tribe! I loved the freedom and safety of our anonymity. Thank you wonderful people of GB.

Our final week we spent with Kenyan friends Ron and Steve. They are a gay couple who are ‘married’ and living in North-East England in a beautiful flat with views over Newcastle’s quayside. I’ve known Ron since high school and they are both totally devoted to one another, George said to me watching them together is how he wishes gay men would be in a relationship. And he asked so many questions about gay married life I half-expected him to propose to me. Oh well, I can dream can’t I.

We spent some time looking around the sights (pics to follow) especially the breathtaking new steel and glass library in the city centre. Someone please start a petition: No more tacky bars in Nairobi’s CBD; we need a library badly. Anyway we also went to the gay bars dotted around the quadrangle of the Life Centre and even managed a session at a gay sauna (another post coming soon). Ron and Steve were marvellous hosts they even held a barbeque in the communal gardens where we met other gay and lesbian Kenyans and their English friends, it was fantastic. We had wonderful roast dinners and curries but it’ll be a long time before I forget our last teatime on their balcony overlooking the river as I ate through a box each of divine strawberry and clotted cream and all butter sultana cookies. We’ll be hosting many parties ourselves when some of these new friends visit Kenya this Christmas.

From Newcastle we took the train down back to London on the Thursday. I’d begged an old friend to chauffeur us to a special place where we planned to spend the last night of our holiday just me and George. We blew a chunk of my expenses budget at the Crazy Bear Beaconsfield but it was worth every penny, you should must try it if you get the chance. After dinner we just lay in bed talking, but I knew we both didn’t want the night to end.

___________________________________________________________

Tamaku and George flew The Pride of Africa from and back to Nairobi. The service throughout was outstanding. (Now KQ PR department how about some complimentary tickets?)

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I missed you.....

Hello fabulous people! I missed you bad, bad, bad. George and I arrived back in Nairobi from our UK break yesterday. We had a great time and I’ll post tomorrow about our holiday. I really missed you all, did you miss me? Well, we are both so pleased to be back home to friends and family. On the plane back we were listening to this oldish Phil Collins track on George’s ipod while sipping brandy. It sounded amazing as we cruised at 33000ft so I remembered to share it with you. My other fav while flying is Coldplay's 'Speed of Sound'. BTW have I told you all that I love you? It feels fantastic to be back here. Thanks so much for all your lovely wishes that you sent...

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Kenyan gay is leading sex exporter

Am I the only one who was genuinely astounded to see the blog Kenya Gay Youth currently at number 1 in Kenya and in the top 20 blogs in Africa as ranked by our friendly gators? Perhaps I shouldn’t be because the adults-only ‘art’ featuring on that blog is the kind that sells big – now, now don’t all dash off at once. Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining, I've been a fan since the early days. I’m all for free expression and believe consenting adults should be free to make these choices. I wish I’d have thought of that myself! So, big up to gay young Kenyan for putting gay ‘art’ right up there. (That’s me trying to sound youthful but as everyone knows Tamaku is a lonely incontinence pants-wearing geriatric).

I see that the much respected and admired Bankelele has been relegated to number 2 spot, what’s the world coming to? Lol, don’t answer that question! I was tempted to headline this post as ‘Kenyan Gay Youth now sitting on top Of Banker’ but I stopped, thought it not appropriate.

Anyway good people, look out for my new blog called Hourly Adventures of Zakayo the Smiling Midget Whore before Condoms. It's a video now with remastered sound, so something else to come to.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Barack shows courage!

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary

___________________________________________________________
For Immediate Release June 1, 2009

LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENDER PRIDE MONTH, 2009
- - - - - - -
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
A PROCLAMATION

Forty years ago, patrons and supporters of the Stonewall Inn in New York City resisted police harassment that had become all too common for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. Out of this resistance, the LGBT rights movement in America was born. During LGBT Pride Month, we commemorate the events of June 1969 and commit to achieving equal justice under law for LGBT Americans.

LGBT Americans have made, and continue to make, great and lasting contributions that continue to strengthen the fabric of American society. There are many well-respected LGBT leaders in all professional fields, including the arts and business communities. LGBT Americans also mobilized the Nation to respond to the domestic HIV/AIDS epidemic and have played a vital role in broadening this country's response to the HIV pandemic.

Due in no small part to the determination and dedication of the LGBT rights movement, more LGBT Americans are living their lives openly today than ever before. I am proud to be the first President to appoint openly LGBT candidates to Senate-confirmed positions in the first 100 days of an Administration. These individuals embody the best qualities we seek in public servants, and across my Administration -- in both the White House and the Federal agencies -- openly LGBT employees are doing their jobs with distinction and professionalism.

The LGBT rights movement has achieved great progress, but there is more work to be done. LGBT youth should feel safe to learn without the fear of harassment, and LGBT families and seniors should be allowed to live their lives with dignity and respect.

My Administration has partnered with the LGBT community to advance a wide range of initiatives. At the international level, I have joined efforts at the United Nations to decriminalize homosexuality around the world. Here at home, I continue to support measures to bring the full spectrum of equal rights to LGBT Americans. These measures include enhancing hate crimes laws, supporting civil unions and Federal rights for LGBT couples, outlawing discrimination in the workplace, ensuring adoption rights, and ending the existing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in a way that strengthens our Armed Forces and our national security. We must also commit ourselves to fighting the HIV/AIDS epidemic by both reducing the number of HIV infections and providing care and support services to people living with HIV/AIDS across the United States.

These issues affect not only the LGBT community, but also our entire Nation. As long as the promise of equality for all remains unfulfilled, all Americans are affected. If we can work together to advance the principles upon which our Nation was founded, every American will benefit. During LGBT Pride Month, I call upon the LGBT community, the Congress, and the American people to work together to promote equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2009 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to turn back discrimination and prejudice everywhere it exists.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.

BARACK OBAMA

___________________________________________________________
Great stuff! (My words)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

BRB, Flying away

We’ve been busy with life and work stuff but just wanted to let you all know that I miss you and I’ll be back soon. Enjoy some MJB in the meantime. I love her too as I love you all. xxx xxx x


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Wipe away the tears

Time to Bloom

This garden was forsaken long ago
Abandoned, it became overgrown.
Once alive with vibrant colour
Now dominated by nettle and thorn.

In the midst of choking weeds
A single rose stood unattended.
Fighting to feel the heat and light
Of the Sun, as nature intended.

A storm did come to pass that way
Which left the garden breached.
The torrent of rain swept the brambles away
The rose was finally unleashed.

Free to flourish and grow at last
To feel warmth upon stems and bud.
To extend roots far and wide
To open up its petals again as it should.


© Kathryn Rutherford (published here with permission)



Thursday, July 23, 2009

Currently Reading

I especially enjoy reading Kenyan blogs, so can imagine my joy when I stumbled upon this gem. It's a wonderful blog by Terryanne Chebet. A real treasure-trove. Very nice. I likey, likey alot. You get the picture, now please check it out.

City packages swell in tight squeeze

Sorry to disappoint but I’m not bringing news of a pay increase. Rather I’m speaking up for all the long-suffering gals and boys of Nairobi who now brace themselves whenever they see friends approaching them on the streets. It’s been catching on slowly but it’s now at pandemic proportions this need for pals and even casual acquaintances to stop and hold each other in a lovers’ cinch while air kissing mwah, mwah (so last year darlings). Problem is, now the squeezes are getting tighter the hug has morphed into erotic caressing, longer and lower as hands explore, temperatures rising (must be the cold). I think perverts relish these encounters to initiate foreplay on the pavement, grinding a stiff one against a cornered pelvis and groping at butts just to say, ‘how are you’. Well, well look what we have here! I'm in no doubt just how happy you feel to see me. It’s mostly the men, I’m yet to be stabbed by a woman’s bits like say a sharp nipple. Lol! At times the hug looks like someone is being held while having their back scrubbed!

Please friends when we meet just nod or if we have to then let’s shake hands. As for the hug let’s keep it that, not a sample of what you’re packing! Boys, boys.

Low gay count a healthy sign

Thanks to all those who took part in the last poll where I asked
whether you thought homosexuals were more sexually promiscuous. The
low votes cast (18 in total) mean that gays are busy, busy at it. If
the votes had been many I would have wondered how you get the time to
vote on how much sex you are getting when you should be out there
getting it!!!

Ah well, it made sense in my head a minute ago...

Have a great day ahead. Living is fabulous. xxx

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Not tonight honey, I've got a headache/toothache/pain-in-the-ass

...to which the standard response should be, 'why don't you take some
painkillers. Wait let me fetch you a glass of water'.

So I was lying in bed last night thinking which is the best sounding language to say 'no I'm not in the mood' nicely. I think Swahili 'sitaki' is a little too harsh. Same for English 'NO'. That small word is so final it might put someone off you for a long time. I think 'nyet' (Russian) has a nice ring to it. Like I'm not in the mood today so please don't even touch me just go to sleep, yet. It's a no with a maybe. The hope to keep the fires burning until the other party just falls asleep...

Of course you could just elbow them or kick out!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Not A Bed of Roses

HIV continues to wreak havoc in Sub-Saharan Africa more than in any other region of the world and it appears African males who have sex with men are particularly affected.

10 times higher HIV rates than in general male population according to a recent report.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8158469.stm

For more on HIV check out Simon's blog on the situation in Kenya.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The bald, the beautiful and dreams of Eric Wainaina in lycra shorts

Tyrese Pictures, Images and Photos Trousers nearly dropping

Michael Jordan Pictures, Images and Photos Looks like someone is getting ready to shoot

I find black bald men sizzling hot. If they are tall and dark then that’s the cherry on top. Don’t like them too muscley though; yes, there is something like too muscley and when a man’s biceps are larger than his thighs you know the tradeoff will be a small weenie. And you want me to do what with that?

Choose between Michael Jordan and Tyrese? What kind of mean question is that? I’ll take them both, unwrapped please. Don’t know why but I don’t feel the popular dreadlocked look, am I missing something. Unless it’s Eric Wainaina, without the wife (three's a crowd), in a pair of tight lycra shorts serenading me on a hot air balloon above Chania Falls. Only then, sawa sawa. And we’ll use George’s handcuffs just to stop me from falling overboard because I’ll be so giddy with anticipation. Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

By the way check out the baldness calculator see when your guy will have a clean pate.

Friday, July 17, 2009