Saturday, March 14, 2009

Are gay men jealous of women?

A few years ago I was at a wedding reception of a Kenyan music producer where I joined two women acquaintances in the flower bedecked marquee. They soon started talking about a male guest working in advertising who everyone in Nairobi knows to be gay.

‘These gay men can be nasty, they like to gossip like women,’ pigeonholed chocolate-toned beauty in a stunning KikoRomeo creation.

‘Yes,’ replied princess daughter of wealthy NSE stockbroker, index finger flicking away a stray dreadlock. ‘And they are so jealous of women.’

I just nodded as if to say all this gay talk is emasculating my heterosexual self. They had no idea that they were talking to Mr Gay himself.

It got me wondering. I definitely don’t hate the female of our species. However it seems that increasingly the myth of the gay man’s best friend, the fag hag, is being called to question. I’ve had it said that gay men even hate women and also that lesbians hate men. Not in the not-my-cup-of-tea sense but in the can’t-stand-your-face sense. Could it be a case of jostling for position in a fractured society? It’s a sad reality that far too many of our women are at the bottom of the food chain - as Kaasa puts it here eloquently. Or is it the machinations of chasing after a common factor that would make some gay men hostile to women as observed here.

Honestly, I don’t know what to make of it all. Those most discriminated against stand accused of doing exactly that.


  1. Well honey, I'm not jealous of women, although I do think that they tend to get most of the best men. However, if a man wants me, its because I'm a man, not a female substitute. I've got that maleness that he desires, which no woman can give him. Many men swing both ways. One man I was particularly fond of was married. He was a saxophonist in a band, and he would regularly reserve two seats in the front row, one for his wife, the other for me. She had no choice but to deal with it, although my position in the hierarchy was at the bottom. No I don't hate women and I'm not jealous of them either, because I can give a man what she can't. I guess she can say the same thing we're on the same highway, but on two different lanes. No need to be hostile towards each other.

  2. Hello Tamaku. Nice to discover your blog and thanks for the nice comment you left on mine.

    Gay, straight, bisexual, trisexual… It’s all about the caliber of person you have around you. Their moral uprightness and pedigree. The woman writing the blog you posted sounds like she has other weird issues going on…

  3. Good Lord. I love women (mostly), they are so interesting with their various attributes (mostly)...but, it's true we often listen to people go "on and on" about people like us...we learn how to not blink at a early age...I wouldn't be surprised if there are many, very injured LGBT human beings who have "overlistened" to the junktalk said about people like a matter of fact I even believed them for part of life...the part of my life that I felt great shame and self-loating just for "being"...later, I discovered, after a brush with suicide that I would be enormously happy in just "being" the person that I was created to "be"...I certainly didn't need anyones approval for that (nor their supervision).

    I'm in Florida this past week...I'm in the heart of the wacko Bible Belt Evangelicos...this is also the place with the highest rate of divorce amongst heterosexual Evangelicals...child molesters run rampant here (mostly of the heterosexual variety). If I were a gossip I might observe there is a connection and I fully realize who ought be receiving the thrust of the shame/blame game around here!

    Best to all and hope George is somewhere near you tonight and your "getting to know oneanother love intimacy" continues...I wish you happiness and peace of mind.



  4. Hi Anengiyefa,

    I like ...'we are on the same highway, but on two different lanes'. Sums it up for most gay men I guess. x

    Hi Kaasa,
    I thought the blogger came across as bitter! Or!

    Hi Leonardo,
    You may be right. Sometimes we need to take things with a pinch, it seems like a minority view. Hope you are enjoying yourself in Florida, George and I are very well, thanks.


  5. hi guys,
    i like your posts and yes, sometimes gay people becoem jealous of women because they (women) have naturally what every gay man wants-femininity!

    i also discovered another blog

    nice reading

  6. Hey Anon,

    I'm not sure every gay man wants femininity. Infact that's furthest from what I want, otherwise I'd be with a woman. I wonder what other people think?

    Thanks for saintgay. Very happy for another gay Kenyan blog.


  7. I think what perhaps Anonymous was suggesting regarding femininity, is that women are naturally feminine, whereas there are those gay men who in their behaviour aspire to the femininity of women. While it seems that most gay men are not impressed by such effeminate behaviour, there are in fact those who appreciate it and desire it. There are men who desire to sleep with a man, but feel threatened when there is another erect penis in the equation. The more effeminate the man is, the better, since in their minds, their dominant manhood could not be asserted otherwise. Gay people are different from mainstream humanity, but gay people themselve express their sexuality in a wide variety of ways

  8. Anengiyefa,

    Interesting view. I take it that our diversity is huge and everyone will eventually discover their niche. I'm all for that.


  9. I am not sure where they heard that from. I know many gay people and have never met one who is jealous of women. Most gay men dont understand women..but then again..straight men dont understand women either..LOL

    I guess its the awkwardness that coems with dealing with women who when they hit on you, you have no idea how to react.

  10. Hi GNM,

    You hit the nail on the head! That awkwardness that you describe could lead some women to a wrong conclusions. Btw hope you had a lovely weekend, and have an even better week.


  11. I love women!!!! As in I totally adore them and I'm gay ;) Guess its down to growing up with four sisters, having an unbelievably adorable mom and having very many cherished female friends.

    I've actually never been jealous of a woman and sometimes find it easier to confide in women over men.

    And the thing about gay men hating on lesbians and vice versa- not true in all respects. Certainly a few individuals may express themselves in different ways but for the most part us gays get along :)

  12. Wildeyearnings,

    Seems like experience of personal relationships are important for that balanced outlook. Stereotyping doesn't help anyone. Have a nice week ahead. x

  13. When re-reading this today (and reading the responses) may be that the heterosexual "ladies" are the ones who are a bit jealous of us...afterall, we have a great deal of freedom, they often "hit on us" (acidentally or not, usually fail and experience rejection) and even the ones that "think they can change us"...well, their "certainty" about that silliness fades quickly (or they prefer living in denial yet "challenged") unless they've got a bonafide bi-sexual to "work with"...nope, I agree with Gay Nairobi Man in that women may simply just NOT KNOW what to say or how to react...but we, aren't jealous of them I don't think (However, sometimes we may admire their goodtaste in men).

  14. Hello Leonardo,

    Your response vindicates the consensus. I agree the 'jealousy' can stem from unrequited affections hence the negative emotions. Hmmm...

  15. I guess there's one instance which you all forgot to mention: I generally hate the girlfriends of the straight guys I have crushes on. In a totally innocent, abstract would-not-really-do-anything-about-it kind of way. Or is it just me?

    COME ON! You know you hate those girls. Especially the ones who come to YOU for relationship advice. "We're having a fight. He's so stubborn, whine, whine, whine..." and you're thinking "DIE, DIE!"

  16. Shogeek,

    Eh, I'm with you on this one! The girls you just want to 'advise' to dump him!!

  17. I'm a straight, married woman and I would like to know how to deal with the bitchier gay men I come across, when I'm with my gay friend?

    The hostility I'm afraid is just as bad as that of straight women to each other, for whatever reason, and it really gets to me, as I just want to get on with my life, be a good friend, and not feel I'm hated for being straight.

    I do agree that some gays are not bitchy or hostile to straight women, but a lot are, and it's so unreasonable, and frankly, pretty pathetic.

    Why, I wonder, I'd like an honest answer?

    Thanks, and take care, all of you, hostile or otherwise. I'm not a threat to the gay community at large.

  18. To be honest.... It is diffrent for every person. I am a Straight female and from my own personal experiences I think (SOME) are definatly jealous of straight females. My husband has had a gay male persuing him ever sense he was in highschool. My mate introdused him to me and I thought that we were to be buddies. His friend then started spreading rumors about me causing issues and even about he and my boyfriend (now husband) sleeping with him to his (my husbands) family. Later he and my boyfriend ended the friendship because he found out about the rumors. After a couple of years We all became friends because he apologised. This friendship was short lived because he then went back to spreading lies and making me look bad to my husbands family. I forgave him still after a couple of years and even had a talk with him. We came to an understanding. I told him that if he ever had a problem with me to just come to me and let me know. He agreed and wanted the same thing. I thought that we understood eachother but I WAS WRONG! He then went to my husband and told him thiese lies about how I hated him because "I THOUGHT HE WANTED MY MAN"! I "NEVER" thought this because if this were the fact then I would have NEVER invited him into my own home!! So this thing came as a shock to me. I became so frustrated with the lies and manipulations that I had to let it all go. I had to condition myself that we could never be friends. Whenever he was around, my husband and I could never hold hands, hug, or kiss because you would hear huge sighs and stomping in the background. Now dont get me wrong... I LOVE GAY MEN!!! They are a straight females best friend!! They are easy to talk to more so than another female be she lesbian or straight! My favorate cousin (R.I.P) was gay! Dont take my words the wrong way. There are good gay men and there are those who are like the one that I had to deal with.

  19. This is absolutely true but of course NOT true in every case. A guy I worked with was gay and although I never did anything to this guy- he hated me.
    He piled his work on me- hoping it'd be too much and I'd collapse but it backfired. I outshined him instead. LMAO. I did my work and his- better and faster than he did and his managers took notice.
    His words and behavior were tainted with a mix of admiration and jealousy. One minute he'd speak on how beautiful I was- and the next he'd swear I THOUGHT I was better than he was! Through it all I remained kind to him- which made him even more angry. SMH I don't think I've ever met someone so unhappy with themselves.
    I've met other gay men who had no beef with me and were perfectly sweet, but I've never worked closely with an openly gay guy and been hated so much. I would never say my supervisors behavior was the norm- but it did suprise me to say the least.

  20. It happens. To say they never feel jealous is disingenuous, just as to say they always do, would be.
    When I was sixteen, I went to a salon to have my hair permed. The owner started me up, brushed out my hair while talking to me and a young gay hair dresser who would take over and perm my hair. The look this man was really hateful, and obviously jealousy. I had never had a male look at me in such a way, and it was very disconcerting.
    Long story short, he "accidentally" failed to thoroughly rinse all the chemical out of my hair, but the owner caught it, thank God and all was well.

  21. Ok, well I'm gay and im 19 years old going in 20, already engaged to my lover. I do have an issue though, my partner is the more masculine one of our relationship, I love him more then anything, and loosing him is my biggest fear. I also hate, I mean hate girls/women, for the most part because in the past, women have stole guys from me, and lowered me down to a pile of garbage, treated me as if I wasn't even considered a competition cause they where "obsolete", Women are very very snake tongued, they can trick you into almost anything, besides me obviously, I dislike them and they abuse the effects they have on people. My fiance has friends that are girls, and he notices I get very jealous when he starts talking to them and he doesn't understand. I don't know if I have a attention disorder or something along the line, but I feel the fear of loosing him at its highest when he talks to a girl cause I feel like the girl/women would try to do something with him. It scares me and has me living in fear, I don't understand, I would like to get help, and see it differently so I don't have to live in this fear of a girl/women taking the love of my life from me.


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