Why I’ll not be going to the Crusade in the Park

Hosting a ‘Crusade’ is a popular weekend business practiced by Kenyan televangelists who also dabble in politics. Kenyan crusaders like to preach louder than a marauding elephant blowing a vuvuzela and insist on tithing (called giving testimoney) from the mainly unemployed, slum-dwelling sunburned followers perhaps because their god is not only partially deaf but also has an expensive coke habit. However they won't pay taxes nor publish audited accounts because they are busy fighting minorities such as Muslims and gays from flower-decked shaded podiums. They are driven in top of the range marques proudly flaunting Dunghill suits, Roberto Calvary shirts and tarnished Submarina Rolexes all bought from a stall in Garissa Lodge for two thousand shillings. The second hand has dropped off and is now just rattling inside the case. You'll find them getting their teeth flossed and ears dewaxed in the treatment room of a mansion fit for a Liberace.

Unbeknown to them, these televangelists harbour deep-seated feelings of self-loathing and hatred of a painful peasant pedigree which explains the obsession with being reborn again. Whatever you do never ever mention abortion unless it's for the 16 year old daughter who recently got knocked up by the watchman. In mitigation a televangelist will say that's a special case to weed out the abnormal recessive genes of poverty and ignorance.

Crusade leaders are renowned for their huge shiny foreheads which they use to dazzle audiences into mass hysteria with deadly success. That’s why too much crusading often leads to a form of intense multiple orgasms sometimes known as seeing the Glory or talking gibberish while thrashing about on the floor and frothing at the lips (both sets, ehehehe) - a phenomenon not dissimilar to the effects of a sustained tongue-licking on da spot, yeah baby right there. In the process you’ll also lose your Nokia N8 - the one with the porn clips - to a fellow sheeper.

Example of use:

Man 1: Jesus Christ man! Why are you walking around with a 9 inch bulge in your trousers?

Man 2 (not JC): I'm going to that crusade next weekend at Tononoka grounds. All the bitches bishops will be there.

Catholics, please help me out on this one

I am a little confused but more than a little angry. So the Pope says that distributing condoms will only exacerbate the crisis with Aids. I also appreciate and understand every one’s private choice when it comes to matters of sex. So how in God’s name does the Holy Father come to use his privileged reach to millions of Africans to spread a dubious interpretation on the science of condom use? I find it shocking that these views are putting at risk the work carried out painstakingly by medical professionals in the remotest clinics and the millions of shillings spent in the poorest of countries. No one is saying that condoms are the only weapon against transmission of HIV, but the facts are there that they are highly effective. I find it especially unpalatable to hear these opinions from those who have voluntarily taken vows of celibacy.

Please dear Catholics how do these views sit with your faith? Am I missing something here?