Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Talking about Vaseline and burns have you heard about this poor guy
who was in a fire and had to have some skin grafted from his buttocks
onto his face. Fair to say he now wipes his nose and ass at the same

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What came to mind when you saw this brand of petroleum jelly mentioned

Not many people can say they haven't used it or had it used on them
ever. It's rubbed on babies bottoms and spread on our lips, helps skin
in healing and protects scalps from chemical burns at the salon. If
you put it on your elbows daily they'll stay soft, same with your
knees if you need them to glow again after mass on Sunday. Oh Vaseline
what would I do without you!

But if you find a tub of the miracle stuff on the bedside drawer of a
gay man's bedroom be very afraid and just put your trousers back on
because Vaseline and condoms don't mix.

(Remember this saying from the Mashoga tribe of Kenya: Akupakaye
mafuta si rafiki - He who smears oil on you is no friend!
Ok it's my own saying but still sound advice.)

For more on the Scourge please read Simon Collery.

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Monday, June 29, 2009

Weekend goss

My friend Sue (of the cock infamy) just rang to tell me about her weekend. She had a date with this new guy and they were having drinks canoodling at a popular hideaway near Athi River early Saturday evening. A small world away everything was going well, the mano was giving her the look that means today is today not tomorrow and making her feel all tingly from the back of her knees to her ears. Sue knew the deal was signed, sealed, delivered she was his but the spell was broken when a scraggy woman claiming to be wifey showed up in a gaggle of 3 other angrier females. Sue describes the wife as looking like a little rat with a tattered sack for a weave.

Anyway seems the guy didn’t have the balls to go with the promised cock he was meekly dragged away by the wife however not before downing his three-quarter Pilsner which Sue ended up paying for; in consolation at least she got a refund for the room. There was no biting or scratching or even spitting just some bone-breaking name-calling and credit to baba-watoto (baby-father) he managed to mouth ‘I’ll call you’ to a mortified Sue. All very civilised. Sad bit is that when shocked Sue went home to her flat, the electricity was out so she had a cold bath, brushed her teeth and lay alone in her darkened bedroom shivering in bed feeling humiliated and sorry for herself.

After all that her date called the next day to ask Sue if she was free and could he come over. His story is the other woman was an ex who’s a bit demented. Yeah right and they are all innocent in prison, la la la la la I’m not listening to you. Sue just said better you stay with your crazy ex if you come near me again I’ll cut your balls off.

Aaargh men!

Batteries not included

I was wondering how all those adult sex toys advertised in the dailies
find their way into the country. Kenyans are a very prudish lot
especially on sex matters somehow I can't see many declaring at
customs cartons containing xxl long ribbed ballsy super cocks. What's
the category under import declarations? Surely we must just be a bunch
of hypocrites as I'm reliably informed many a female Nairobian has a
rabbit mini resting in a bedside drawer. And a spare set of AAA
batteries. Always. No one wants manual once you go automatic.

Don't get me wrong. I haven't been left out in the sampling of these
goodies. The things I do in the name of research for you dear reader.
Recently a friend brought me one of those fleshlights on a visit here
from England. My verdict is every man (and priest) should have one,
limits the chances of straying, never has a headache and there is no
risk of disease. Mine's a butt (naturally) in mocha, a much loved and
close companion now just gathering dust boxed away inside a cupboard.
I might take a picture to show you.

By the way our Kamba and Kisii carvers should really get in on the
act. A perfectly carved 8 incher with a curve in mahogany or soapstone
would not go unsold. I could use a stirrer for my morning porridge,
lick it clean after use.

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Caption Contest

For all you slighty mad witty folks who visit here how about this picture for our first caption contest.

Prize? I was going to offer myself to the winner but my boyfriend George pointed out no one will want soiled goods (he just wants me all to himself) so no prizes, just for fun.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Nairobi Photos - 2

Some pictures of Nairobi following on from a previous post.

The Courts where justice is served (don't make me laugh!)

A deserted Biashara Street, shops mainly dealing in fabrics.

Haile Selassie Avenue seen from a pedestrian bridge.

Above is a view of the City Hall.

Street views (old) taken behind the City Hall.

Last picture shows the Village Market a mall in the Gigiri area hosting shops, foodcourt, a recreation complex and even a nearby luxury hotel. A favourite of recession-proof Kenyans and expatriates. Take a peek.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Ben Dover

You think that's an unfortunate name?

How about this person introducing the main speaker at a conference:

"..a big welcome to Mike Hunt!"

(I know it's a schoolboy gag but I am so bored today can't wait for
the weekend)

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The time to fight is now

Are we preparing for war? The worsening security situation in Somalia
and the potentially explosive threat to Kenya leaves few options.

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Michael Jackson


Long live the King.

This is for you

Remember to say it to the one you love.

Have a great weekend! Meet soon...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Is this the man with the biggest one?

I was at the barbers yesterday for the tried and tested number 1 all
round. The guy cutting my hair, Bernard or Bena for short always asks
'ninyoe' (Swahili for shall I trim?), while tracing a finger over his
sleek eyebrows. And I always say, 'No, Bena I won't let you practice
your eyebrow-shaping on me.' He shrugs his shoulders and says Tamaku
you need to loosen up,you're too conservative
. I may wear fishnets
under my suit to work, tend to my eyelashes with a mascara brush and
sport a tattoo of a smiling dolphin on my left bum but the eyebrow
thing is where I draw the line. Too gay.

So yesterday when he asked again I said no Bena and then added, 'but
how about you give me a trim down there!' It was just us two in the
salon that's why I could say it. Bena looked like he was going to pass
out so I told him I was only joking. Besides I only trust myself in
that area, normally also a number 1 all over (boring) while George
used to be Sahara but lately prefers to leave just a landing strip
(for a smooth take-off)! We are not fans of the organic jungle look.

Oh, the title is about Pater Nostra who says he has a big one.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Looking for a cock

You’re probably wondering what a bird’s doing on a gay man’s blog. Give me a moment all will be clear.

Recently I met up with an old friend Sue from back-in-the-day for a chat. She split up with her long term boyfriend Jeff four months ago. Over tea she pours her heart out to tell me how she’s lonely and looking for a male companion with whom she can once in a while also be intimate but no strings attached. I ask her what kind of man she wants and I’m shocked by her reply:

I don’t care what he looks like so long as he’s got a nice cock!

Poultry farmers queue here.


Last night we were lying in bed and my lover who was starting to drift
off snuggled deeper inside my arms embrace. It was pitch-black in the
room, you could only hear the neighbours dogs barking as my nose was
drinking in diluted shades of timotei revitalising herbs for normal

"Baby," I whispered into the back of his head. "I love you."

George breathed in softly and then pulled my arms tighter to draw me
closer still and sighed:


Monday, June 22, 2009


I am feeling so broody at the moment, don't know why. All I know is
I'd make a super dad. I just need a child in my life to love and care

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Some like it hot

Love is the best feeling and good love songs just add to the warmth. That's how I feel listening to this, how do you feel?

Have a great week!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Take me to your leader

I’m on the mend, all suited and booted this morning. White shirt starched and pressed to an inch of its life, thanks Imelda. I’ve got a big day ahead as I’m attending a function at the big house on the hill expected to be presided by His Excellency.

So in answer to your question, no I’m not wearing my fishnets today. Was tempted though.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Stop this nonsense

It's distressing to see those pictures alleging to show Fr Kizito and
another, in nude sexually explicit poses.

This is trial by media, please consider for one moment there's no
justification to publish the pictures other than to vilify and

What happened to the presumption of innocence until proven guilty?

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From the sick bay

Text from George:

How many knees can you name?

Answer: right knee, left knee, acne!


What do you call a rooster making a phone call?

Cock ring

Could do better but still brought a smile to my face! Had chicken soup
with extra chillies for lunch. Before that played a game of scrabble
with Imelda, she beat me with killer word XI. Feeling better already.

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I'm poorly in bed

Decided to stay home today. I've been getting headaches lately and my
throat feels like it's on fire. It's ironic getting sick so soon after
stopping the booze and cigs! Doctor doesn't think it's the flu, still
a swine because so much happening at work but he says to stay in bed
and just rest.

So here I am lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. Imelda made me a
lovely pot of black tea with fresh ginger and lemon juice. George is
away at work and I just got off the phone to Sheila, the show goes on.

I also spoke to my mummy. She says I need someone to take care of me.
She wanted to come over but I said no I'll be fine. Mums are just the

Hope you're all having a better time. If anyone wants a game of
scrabble you're welcome, Imelda will show you upstairs ; )

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Made In Kenya

This is what I've been listening to in the car. Maumbile, kimichezo, kimapenzi sisi ni tosha!

Tujivunie kuwa wanaume Waafrika. Tujivunie wanawake wetu warembo
. Oh, yes!


I'm 5ft 7in tall (about average for Kenyan men, I think) and 70kgs on the scales. Some days I like to wear ladies tights under my suit when I come to work. In fact I'm wearing a pair of black fishnets (thigh-length with a seam down the side) now sitting here having my first cuppa, feels great.

Have a nice day y'all!

Sunday, June 14, 2009


S + N = D

Let me explain. You’ll be happy when I’ve finished, this might be the greatest discovery since the glow in the dark toilet seat. You see I receive many e-mails from both gay boys and straight gals asking me the same question: ‘Dear Tamaku, how can you tell just by looking whether a man is packing right, you know, that he comes up to scratch in the snake-park stakes. In other words, how can you be sure before you get the new guy home that you won’t be short changed?’ I used to write back and tell them to use the tip-of-middle-finger-to-wrist test until this poor girl wrote back crying to say the guy she was eyeing had lost his fingers in a meat-slicer accident.

So in response to these fundamental questions about that part of the male anatomy over which many continue to ponder, I have undertaken my own research whose findings I now present here. I spent many sleepless nights thinking and other sleepless nights ‘tossing’ and ‘turning’, so I hope you appreciate my efforts. I did, very enjoyable thank you.

All you need is the formula above. S is for length from the top of the arm across left shoulder to the bottom of the neck. N is for length of the neck to the lower earlobe. Add these together then divide by two (or you'll be very disappointed when you get home), and there my friends is the size of the guy’s thingy (D). In inches, when he’s happy to see you. QED.

Now you’ll excuse me while I take this phone call, it’s from the Knob-El Prize people.

Disclaimer: Not to be used where the specimen is from a neck-elongating tribe. In such instances revert to former test.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

A change of heart

I’ve had to go back to the original template.

My boyfriend George was not happy with the safari-look. And what George wants, George gets or I don’t. Such is my plight…aaahh.

Also I got an email from a friend in Australia who said the new look was like bits of poo hanging from a sheep’s bottom! That pretty much made my mind up!

Madonna have Mercy on me

So the Material Girl has been granted full adoption rights by the court in Malawi to 3-year old Mercy whose mother died soon after her birth. Her biological father had read the script like so many other men and walked out during the pregnancy. The little matter of qualifying residency has been waived not least because the court recognised that one Madonna Louise Ciccone has spent over Ksh1.4 billion through her charity Raising Malawi which provides care for more than one million orphans. The predictable media frenzy hasn’t disappointed with the usual suspects crying foul, 'ooh look, another case of celebrity special treatment'. Even that old chestnut racism has been bandied around.

These hypocrites really boil my piss, armchair critics quick to read mischief from what little is gleaned from news reports. I’ve got some questions for anonymous who’ll no doubt send me abusive comments: Where are you while little Mercy and millions of others languish in orphanages? We never see your indignation at the plight of families too poor whose only choice for their kids is adoption. You continue to vote in individuals who use your taxes to corruptly enrich themselves while refusing to pay taxes themselves. These are the same people who would be against gay adoption; they’d rather the children were raised in faceless institutions. I think the word I’m looking for here is ENVY.

So for me Madonna’s victory is my victory! Common sense prevails over ignorance and fear. Now Mercy James will join Lourdes, Rocco and Banda in the Vogue household. I say cheers, chin chin (tea-cups) and good for you, may you have a long, happy life.

Friday, June 12, 2009

There's a rat in my kitchen

Insane video. I can't get the line 'there's a rat in ma kitchen' out of my head! Watch to da end, it's fun.

Great weekend all!

Thursday, June 11, 2009


Should the discovery of the 'gay' gene in a fetus be grounds for

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I've had a face transplant!

So what do you think? Better than before? Or worse than before?

Have a lovely day folks... x

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Monday, June 8, 2009

Awesome Returns

They were back last Friday. Cousin Jim and his wife returned from a 3 week safari and I went to pick them up after work from outside the Stanley Hotel. Rhonda looked like she had slipped into and been retrieved from a vat of Ribena, a redhead’s tanning nightmare. In the meantime I’d started Imelda on the basics of making cocktails and she was now proficient in Martini’s and Tom Collins’. And they were both much nicer to Imelda, I think their sojourn in the spectacular butlered bushhomes of Laikipia and the Rift Valley had opened their eyes to the talents and homely charms of our Imelda. I hid my envy well when they described their stays at enchanting Lemartis and magical Ngerende. ‘I never knew places like these existed in Africa, I’d give my eye-teeth to live here,’ Rhonda’s exact words.

Our guests took me and George out to dinner on Saturday night. When my cousin asked we told him we’ve decided to cut out the booze and cigarettes totally from our lives. 8 days and 13 hours, cold turkey. Awesome. I said to cousin Jim and Rhonda and I think you guys should really think about it too. I was feeling the glory, oh the glory of the lord so I continued, ‘Especially for you Rhonda, unless you particularly want an underweight baby sporting a thin upper lip’. They both looked confused so I spent the next ten minutes explaining about fetal alcohol syndrome which I’d read about. When I finished speaking I noticed they both hadn’t touched their tumblers of Jack with just a splash of coke.

Then I said we used this website to help us stop the smoking. Because I’ve watched many movies moments like these come easy for me. I said, ‘Rhonda, you don’t want to ruin how you look. I’ve seen many, many beautiful girls who ruined their looks from drink and cigarettes.’ Mostly true but vibes borrowed, as film buffs will attest, from that scene in Casino with Joe Pesci (‘Nicky Santoro’) and Sharon Stone (‘Ginger’).

So I went to see them both off at JKIA last night. Just before they went through security Rhonda pulled me to one side and said, ‘What you told us about the smoking and the drinking, that’s pretty kick-ass Tamaku! Thanks so much and here’s something to remember us by.’ And I looked down to see her holding a little toy frog. ‘Please take care of Kermi until we meet again.’ Tears came to my eyes, I was so touched as I hugged my cousin’s wife and kissed her on the cheek: ‘Thanks Rhonda. You’re welcome anytime to stay when you come back to Kenya. I know you’ll beat the demons. You guys are awesome!’

Sunday, June 7, 2009


My star sign is Scorpio, also known as sting-in-the-tail or sometimes
pain-in-the-ass. We are said to be sex-crazed and sadistic.

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Saturday, June 6, 2009


Charles Njonjo would have made a wonderful president. Well, better
than the others.

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Friday, June 5, 2009


I got these monster strawberries from Sheila. Imelda chopped them up
for our dessert. Now just going to layer some ice-cream on top. Sexy.

Gay community and government in uneasy compromise

by Chris Kay

Publicly scorned and officially illegal, Kenya’s stigmatised homosexual groups have opened a Nairobi centre that is now driving behind-the-scenes action to change policy and attitudes towards gay rights and HIV/AIDS awareness.

With many Kenyan gays locked into cover-up marriages to hide their sexuality, secrecy itself has led directly to HIV infection in the home. The country’s gay groups are now mobilising in an effort to stop this hidden spread.

Under the banner of the Gay and Lesbian Coalition of Kenya (GALCK), launched in May 2006, four independent lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender organisations are now engaging with Kenya’s government to raise gay issues in an effort to counter the spread of AIDS that is being caused by the repression of homosexuality.

The largest of the four groups within GALCK is ISHTAR MSM, a community based organisation with around three hundred active members working on improving HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted infection (STI) awareness in the gay community.

GALCK itself is now three years old, but it has only been in the last year that it has secured funding and a full-time centre with four paid members of staff.

The funding followed from the World Social Forum, held in Nairobi in January 2007, when Kenya’s gay organisations “came out in large numbers” and gained public exposure, says David, the GALCK centre manager.

The centre, a large single floor open-plan office, is not openly advertised and is shrouded in secrecy. Although it has an informative website, GALCK does not publish its Nairobi address. David, who declined to give his full name and age, emphasised the importance of this secrecy as “a matter of life and death”.

However, the secrecy of the GALCK centre location has not hidden its activities from the local police, who have been known to bear down hard on Kenya’s homosexuals. “There is no point hiding it from them, but luckily they are always joking about it,” says David.

The maximum sentence of 14 years imprisonment for gay sex in Kenya is rarely enforced.

However, the danger of public hostility is real. A 2005 poll in Kenya showed that 96% of respondents felt that homosexuality was an affront to their beliefs.

Along with religious intolerance, Daniel, a gay Kenyan in his late-30s working in the Media and PR industry, feels there is an overwhelming cultural stigma towards homosexuality. “I think African men are brought up with an over exaggerated focus on masculinity. This tends to mean that anything that would portray someone less of a man is frowned upon,” he says.

There is no official census of the number of Kenyan gays, but numerous studies worldwide conclude that statistically one in 10 people are homosexual.

The mismatch between such statistics and public perceptions in Kenya is driving the gay community to be more organised in now raising what is sees as the real issues.

“We have played a close part with some sectors of the government,” says David, naming the Kenya National Commission on Human Rights and the National AIDS Control Council among others.

The groups argue there is also now some kind of tacit official acceptance of homosexuality in Kenya. In the past former president Daniel Arap Moi declared that “Kenya has no room for homosexuals and lesbians”.

But David argues that current Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki would not publicly speak out against homosexuality.

Against this backdrop, the most driving issue for the lobbyists is reducing STIs.

David claims that many secretly gay Kenyans are often married with a straight wife, but also have a gay partner, increasing the chance of HIV/AIDs being transmitted and spread across the family.

Many men and women succumb to the social pressure of wedding into a straight union against their sexual inclinations and “are not happy and wish they could turn the clock back,” says David.

“Even now younger people who should know better are going into it…it doesn’t occur as an option not to get married.”

The GALCK coalition is trying to combat the generalised idea that people can choose to be gay and are thus choosing a ‘sinful’ practice. This has been hard through the mainstream media.

“They focus mostly on the idea that all gays are effeminate, which is not true. This column I read last year in The Daily Nation says that homosexuality it is a disorder that results from rejection. Truly hilarious,” says Haiku, a gay 21-year-old student.

Overall, progress is slow, says GALCK. “We are very much an ignored group, many organisations work with us from a distance,” claims Maurice, a 23-year-old GALCK volunteer. “They don’t want to get involved with us publicly.”

Yet most believe that some progress is being made.
As part of its ongoing community work, the centre is now opening a part-time STI centre, visited by a resident doctor twice a week. The centre also offers space for member organisations, a library, HIV/AIDS counselling, computers with internet, as and a TV/Movie space.

“It is easier to be open here,” says Mike, a 22-year-old gay student visiting the GALCK centre, as he says it is “very rare” for any Kenyan to be open about homosexuality in the outside world.

The internet has also opened up debate. Many of Kenya’s outspoken gays have now taken to the blogosphere, helping to debunk the myths associated with homosexuality.

Yet, despite this openness on the internet, some bloggers still emphasise the risks of coming out publicly in Kenya.

“Many gay Kenyans are not open about their sexuality. I for one cannot be open even to my friends because of my profession and also due to the fact that my family's business interests may be threatened,” says Tamaku, a 38-year old blogger, working in PR.

“Kenyans would be surprised to find that work colleagues, husbands, sons, fathers are gay. I have never been threatened but I understand the possibility of blackmail to be very real,” he adds.

Unlike many gay Kenyans, Daniel, also a prolific blogger, is open about his sexuality to his family and believes that living as a homosexual in Nairobi has become easier in the past few years, but concedes that “there was a time when it was really hard”.

“I was blackmailed eight years ago and that’s the reason I came out to my family to avoid being in that situation again. Ten years ago, a friend of mine was set up by the police. Seeing that no Kenyan court will actually convict anyone for being gay, the threat of blackmail is very low today.”

It does happen though, says Tamaku, who recalls an incident where two of his friends were arrested last year after embracing while dancing together in a bar along Tom Mboya Street in central Nairobi.

“The threatened charge was indecency in a public place but it turned out to be a ploy to extort money. They parted with Ksh10,000 in exchange for their freedom,” he says.

Indeed, to some it seems that the main motive for repressing gay Kenyans revolves around money.

“They just want money…if you are an idiot they will suck your money faster than a straw,” argues Haiku.

Yet in the current limbo over the government’s stance and the courts’ enforcement many younger Kenyans genuinely do not believe that homosexuality between men was outlawed.

Among the gay community, this greater tolerance among younger Kenyans has even fed hope that over the next decade liberties and rights for Kenya’s homosexuals will change for the better.

“Kenyans are grasping the concept of universal rights as a result of their obsession with politics. If they are sincere in this pursuit then the battle against these discriminations will be shorter than some imagine,” says Tamaku.

However, it will be an uphill struggle says Haiku. “If they are not tolerating it now what makes you think they will tolerate it in the future? There are a lot of misconceptions” and ingrained attitudes can be hard to change, he claims.

But there is a lot to be positive about says Maurice. “It is just a start, but now we have got a centre and maybe something else will happen.”

For more information visit:

Article published with author's permission.


The cyber name Tamaku is a conundrum adapted from the Swahili word for
buttocks, 'Matako'...

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Thursday, June 4, 2009

Men at Work (not that kind of video)

This music takes me back to when I was in my early teens during the mid 80’s. Saturday nights spent at the Carnivore (Foxxy’s disco then) which used to kick off at 11pm. Cover charge was 50 shillings and you could buy 14 tusker exports (300ml lager) for 100 shillings! Friday nights were reserved for Sailing Club (Rock music). Managed some school during the week. Not a care in the world then.

Have a great weekend!

PS - I didn't drink all 14 tusker lagers by myself in one night, but I made a valiant attempt!!

In our midst

Recently on the radio I heard about this 32 year-old man who was caught sexually abusing his six-year old niece. It made my blood boil and the memory still does. These crimes are happening with alarming frequency as these figures from Nairobi’s Gender Violence Recovery Centre demonstrate. And those are just the reported cases! Grim stuff folks.

The phone-in had a majority of listeners in agreement that perverts and miscreants convicted of these wicked crimes should all be castrated. No discussion. End of.

What do you think?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


We mourn the tragic loss of life following the crash of Air France's
Airbus over the Atlantic. My condolences to family and friends of
departed ones.

Brings back the haunting memories from just over two years ago when
Kenya Airways KQ507 came down.


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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Apple of my eye

I retired my trusty old nokia and got myself a new phone today. I'm
like a kid with a new toy! Conversation has been reduced to grunts as
I try to set up new device. Would help if I read the manual...

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