Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Raila squanders decades of respect, reputation now in tatters as he topples himself from pedestal

I have been a lifelong admirer of Prime Minister Raila Odinga from his days as a human rights and pro-democracy activist. This is a man who has the scars that bear testament to the brutality and injustices of Moi’s repressive regime when he was ordered detained for years without trial. Raila has been feted home and abroad as a champion of causes that affect the marginalized and the neglected. Only a few weeks ago- I think it was during Mashujaa Day - he spoke convincingly of a New Kenya where citizens’ private lives would be free from the control of the State and we cheered him on because we thought here is a politician with depth.

That’s why the PM’s recent Kamukunji edict that police should arrest gays comes as a huge shock. Raila now risks being unmasked as a shameless circus-performer whose only ambition is to become at best a benevolent tyrant if he ever sees the presidency. He campaigned, as did many gay Kenyans, for a new constitution to enshrine individual rights and liberties but in essence he would rather reform our Police into a Gestapo-style organization snooping around its citizens’ bedrooms.

Therefore can the Prime Minister also issue a statement to clarify just how police are to identify homosexuals before arresting them? Will it now be an offence for two men to be enjoying a quiet drink together if none of them is married? Will police now patrol the estates in vans festooned with ‘Government of Kenya Rectal Exam Unit’? And if one is identified as homosexual will he be sent to the Kenyan colony on Mars since homosexuality is considered ‘unAfrican’ and 'unnatural'? I seriously want to put this whole saga to one side and accept it as just cheap politics and playing to the gallery in the week we heard about drug-trafficking government officials but I still can’t help thinking it is unethical conduct and most unbecoming of the office of Prime Minister.

A big monumental letdown. Why Raila, why did you do it?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

I gotta a feeling

George and I just got back from visiting my friend Nyiva in Kangundo who's made a remarkable recovery from that bodaboda accident. Doctors are confident she'll be back at work in January which is nothing short of a miracle from when I last saw her. Also friends (Gay Knights of Nairobi - by invitation only) and family of mine clubbed some money together which means her son will also be in class when school reopens. There's some cash left over so they'll both definitely know it's Christmas time. Nyiva wants all of you to know how touched she was by your cyber prayers and kind words. Pat yourselves all on the back for that wonderful result.

Well, about that alleged two-timing incident with Lavish last week for which Kasapere now intimates I'm a rapist and lowlife, George and I are in a good place too. By the way I turned down an all expenses offer by Lavish early this week to go see her in Mombasa. I told her I'm not willing to take this to the next level and jeopardise what's dearest to me so I really hope you understand. Lavish said my heart desires you Tamaku but I'll do my best to back off. Then she added rather ominously, I usually get most things that I want so keep looking over your shoulder. We both laughed nervously at that implied threat, I scratched my testicles in camaraderie and replied eh missy, please don't go all psycho bitch on me now. Then we just left it at that.

After that conversation I called George and promised him that there wouldn't be a next time ever. I also more than made up to Gee for that indiscretion but I'm not going to reveal too much. All I can say is my supplication involved an intimate candlelit dinner somewhere very nice, a half bottle of Skyy vodka, Virgin Sudanese shea butter rubbed somewhere and some mind-blowing sex. Oh, the icing on the cake is the present of Christmas this year in England. I'm not too shy to unleash some spare financial firepower if it keeps us together. This morning after reading Kasapere's hurtful comments George tearfully told me I feel so blessed for this no ordinary love and I want you to know that you'll never be anyone's douchebag. So it's back to happy families.

On the way back from Kangundo (that road is an effing disgrace) I took this picture of men-at-work doing patchwork repairs. All is not lost though, a little bird sat on a lofty perch has just told me that total rehabilitation is penciled to begin early 2011 :)

We are both now slightly tired so we'll have a shagnap then shower and change before heading out to dinner with friends and some grueling (for me) clubbing. It's a small price for the privilege of having a younger man for a lover and best friend. Let no-one be under any illusion - George is the most loving, beautiful and hottest man alive. He is also irreplaceable. Lavish was horny-goat sex. Hope that has cleared it all up.

I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good, good night. Lovely Saturday night all. xxx

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


This is a new phrase that I came up with this afternoon while holding on the line to my bosom buddies at Kenya Revenue Authority (KRA). Basically it’s how to respond when a friend keeps on telling you of all the wonderful noisy sex marathons he's been having but you don't want him to know how wracked with spite you are because you’re not getting any.

Example of use

Tommy: Man, the other morning Don and I only had sex for two hours but he had to untie me midway from the balcony railings of our apartment to check the condom was okay and to add some more lube. Don also smoked a spliff and downed two Redbulls. He then stuck a Viagra up my ass before we continued for another three hours...

Martin (shaking head chlorophylled with envy): WHAAT? Neighboursdontmind?!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Adults party all day and sleep all night

Good afternoon chaps and chapesses from blue-sky Nairobi. It's Imelda's day off so I made us a lettuce and tomato salad with bits of crispy bacon dressed in a Vidalia Onion dressing all scooped up in toasted pitta bread. I know the quickest route to my man's heart. Now George and I are just relaxing wearing only shorts in the garden under the cantilevered parasol drinking chilled passion juice mixed with kiwi fruits and a tinge of rum. This amazing country is good enough proof for me that God exists. If you doubt me ask Prince William why he chose Kenya to propose to his future wife. We are also listening and singing to Wayne Marshall's Good Love (the masterpiece riddim produced by Trevor Baby G). It goes like this: say she love my style, di way I profile....say she needs it harder, say she needs it stronger....

We're both, unsuccessfully I must add, trying out some badboy dancehall steps, lol.

Life is sweet. Only thing is I never got so much hate mail as I did since I told you all about my night with Lavish. I don't get it because George is cool with it, he understands that humans are complex when it comes to sexuality. People need to get real, come on, I only boned a girl it's not like I'm trying to breed a Martian. And it was consensual with all cards on the table facing up. Now I know not to tell everything that I get up to because what I normally write here is just a tiny slice of my life, hehehe. But even I sometimes think i go too far like the unforgettable night I spent with twin lesbians whom I met at Wikililye in Kitui years ago. That's why I'll always remain undercover. Have a lovely Sunday. xxx

Friday, November 19, 2010

No Means Yes (Chopped and Screwed)

My life here in beautiful Kenya sometimes feels like a movie. You’ve met the main actors: George (boyfriend), Imelda (housekeeper) and Sheila (best female friend). Weeks ago Lavish made a cameo appearance. Well it looks like she wants to become a regular. This is an account of what happened to me yesterday:

I was in the garden just working on my laptop when I got a call from Lavish. I had spoken to her twice since our first meeting. So she calls me and says hi Tamaku, I’m in town can we please meet. I said what a lovely surprise; of course sweetie just let me know place and time. Lavish said come to the Exchange bar at Sarova Stanley today 4pm-ish. I said sounds super I’ll be there. I felt a strange tingling sensation and sweat down my spine, like excitement mixed with anticipation. Anyway, I finished the report I was writing and then had an extra long shower. I soaped while singing I’ve Never Been To Me by Charlene…Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run,Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun, But I ran out of places and friendly faces, Because I had to be free, I've been to paradise but I've never been to me…..
My intuition was telling me to make an extra effort so I wore my vintage Diesel Jeans, my lucky pink Number 7 polo shirt from Hackett (sometimes I feel like a Brit, hehehe) and brown Hush Puppies from Bata. I over-splashed Tsar cologne on my chin and neck and also some drops on my crotch and I was good to go.

I got the car valet-parked at the Stanley and climbed up the stairs to the bar at a few minutes to 4. I saw Lavish seated at a table by the window looking out to Kenyatta Avenue. I walked up to her and she stood up to give me a hug. She was looking stunning in snow-white denims, I said wow you look spectacular who is it this time. She laughed like a teenage girl and said thanks Tamaku, you always appreciate what I’m wearing, it’s Guy Laroche. I sat down taking in the aura of Flowerbomb which I now know is her scent and the waitress came to our table. She asked what are you having, I said please bring me whatever madam is drinking which turned out to be a delicious Merlot. We talked with Lavish, she told me she was in town to see some people for business including me. I said I’ve been expecting you because I loved your company very much from last time. I was looking inside her brown eyes, she was talking with them code-blinking me you make me feel good and I like you a lot. I thought I must tell her what I’m about so I just told her after the first glass of wine please listen to me . She said what, what and I whispered I’m gay. Lavish was quiet for a minute looking out of the windows through the white sheer curtains then she turned to me and said I knew it was too good to be true. She told me as a successful career woman many men are very intimidated of her. I was thinking what’s wrong with my straight brothers because this is premium grade and she is crying out to be asked on a date.

After the second glass it was now about 5.30 pm so I said please let’s change venue. I was feeling slightly tipsy and my instincts were calling for the chase to begin. We left the Stanley and walked down Kimathi Street and round the corner to Mama Ngina Street. I said let’s go up the Porterhouse bar which is normally full of hoity-toity start-up lawyers. We entered the bar and the room went silent, Lavish has that effect on people and I’m not that bad a catch also, lol. I told Benson the barman, please get us two glasses of Merlot and we carried on drinking. Naughty thoughts started going through my mind sitting next to Lavish brushing thighs and feeling the vibes. After two hours she was licking her lips and telling me man, how about it? I said please let’s go with the flow, don’t rush it.

We left Porterhouse at about 9 and walked towards Hilton holding hands. George called me on my mobile and said where are you, I said I’m with that bird I told you about called Lavish and I’m taking her clubbing to Westlands. He said that’s cool, do what you have to do because I know you like her, I’ll be at home whatever time. Lavish and I got into a cab which dropped us off at Black Diamond. We entered the rooftop terrace and everyone was looking at Lavish because she looks like a supermodel and she made the other Nairobi lovelies look very ordinary. We carried on drinking until midnight. I was feeling peaked and my resolve had long been broken. I said to Lavish, I’m coming back to your hotel with you. She said yes I know you are. Muchiri, the cab guy picked us up and took us back to the Stanley. I was thinking with my dick - please be a good boy today and don’t let this mammy down. We went up the lift and into her exquisite suite. When we got inside she shut the door and then we kissed like virgins although we both know the game very well like La Liga pros.

My hands and lips were on auto-pilot finding rarely ventured routes. Lavish was moaning No, no, please Tamaku. I looked deep in her eyes and said I know baby, No means yes. So we did it, my love-plank didn’t let me down even though it’s been a long time with a woman. Of course I also durexed because that’s my religion and I care. When we got there, Lavish bizarrely said to me please baby tell me you’ll always love me unconditionally. I said honey you are ranked but that was sex and my situation right now is very sticky. So she said I understand but I saw tears in her eyes before we both fell asleep.

This morning I got up at 6, Lavish was still asleep. I put on my clothes quietly like a two-bit whore. I wrote on the pad at the desk ‘thanks; last night was heaven’, and tiptoed out of the room. I got the car back and drove home fast, not thinking of much. Luckily I found George had not left for work. He looked at me and said I know but I still love you. I said sorry baby and he said that’s OK but if it was a guy you’d be history.

So now I’m just here in the garden where yesterday started. Lavish called an hour ago, she said I want you to come see me in Mombasa next week. I said I’ll think about it and let you know. Somehow I feel like things might be getting out of control.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

This is my confession

Last night I was home alone. George was away visiting parents and Imelda was on leave. After dinner I couldn't stand the utter loneliness. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my own company very much but sometimes you need to be with people. I didn't want to go out to bars because nothing worse than a lonely drunk. I called George to vent my frustrations and he understood. He said permission granted to seek human companionship for the night but on condition that you both sleep in the guestroom and absolutely no sex. Oh, and it can't be a guy you are dead if I find out. It has to be a girl!

So I got in the car and cruised to a deserted city centre. I saw her on the kerb across Standard Street opposite Trattoria. She was a leggy stunner in a tight halter top and tight short skirt carrying a denim jacket who didn’t look like she’d be a day past 21. It’s amazing how fast a British-made SUV in champagne draws them like flies to shit. She asked me are you looking for action, I said may be, please get in the car we talk. When she jumped in I said my name is Tamaku, she told me hello darling I'm Nicole and it will be 4500 shillings for the night your place or hotel. I said fine and started the drive back home. On the way we listened to some old music like Rick Astley - never gonna give you up and Automatic by Pointer Sisters - every word I intended to speak winds up locked in a circuitry. Nicole told me she was a second year student at the University of Nairobi who was only trying to survive in the big city. I told her I'm not judging because we all have to do stuff at one point or another.

When we got to our estate I could see she was wishing she'd asked for more money. I told her don't worry I don't want to have sex with you, I just need company for the night. I could tell she didn't believe me and some of you guys won't believe me either. Listen up: there's nothing wrong with my truncheon and if there was, which there isn’t, I'd have easily stopped at the late night chemist for some Viagra 100 mg, hahaha. It's performance-enhancing just like cheating but it always does the trick (pun unintended).

I pulled up at our gate and the askari from KK Guards very briefly looked inside the car in shock. He knows I'm gay from how I am with George so he looked at Nicole sitting next to me looking all dolled up like a girl fulani ready for business. We got inside the house and I took her jacket, Nicole said wow what a place you have here, I said thanks and please feel at home. I went to get drinks, Nicole wanted a brandy and I had a chilled Tusker malt lager. Then I turned to look at her.

Let me say that I met many beautiful women in my life so I can safely say that Nicole was an 8.5. Her large soft eyes told me she didn't have much mileage on the clock. She told me she was also a single mum. I told her I'm a fag who lives with a man but he's away for the night. She said no way, I couldn't tell but I won’t let you do me in the butt. I said, ‘no Nicole I told you no sex, not even kinky sex.’

We soon started dancing; I even showed Nicole my dodgy moonwalk to Shalamar's Night to Remember. She laughed at me and said I never met a client as nutty and kind as you. I said right now I'm not a client I'm just a person but I'll give you the money we agreed on. Then we cuddled on the sofa listening to some R Kelly. She felt all soft and vulnerable when we were not talking just listening to slow jams.

Temperatures started rising so I got up and said let's go to the room and please bring your drink with you. Nicole followed me to the downstairs guestroom. I went to run the bath with lots of bubblebath and took off all my clothes. When I was in the bath Nicole appeared at the door and asked can I join you, I answered if you like. She undressed and got in the bath and I just held her in my arms. We stayed for so long we almost fell asleep and the water was getting cold. By the way never have a hot bath alone when you've been drinking - it can be lethal. When we got out I wrapped us both in a large towel and dried her. Nicole looked up my face and asked why are you doing this to me. I said I don't know. I fetched her a spare set of pyjamas, her petite frame was floating in them, lol. I put on some shorts and we sat by the window drinking her brandy.

After about an hour we got in bed. Again Nicole asked don't you find me attractive; I said you are a very beautiful and intelligent woman now go to sleep. When I turned off the lights I spooned Nicole and she started sobbing telling me things that have happened in her short life. I rubbed her chest gently saying I'm so sorry baby, it will be ok. I was thinking evil bastards.

Early this morning I got up and made breakfast for us. We shared a fried duck egg, sausages and Kenylon baked beans. When Nicole went to have a shower I called George and told him everything that I've told you. He said I believe you, now get that girl out of our house I'm on my way back. So I gave Nicole the cash and called her a cab. I declined to give her my number because I said it would just complicate things.

That's my confession.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Bar Camp?

Hi. Here is that pic I promised you from my evening at the Exchange Bar on Saturday where I also met Lavish. Check out the presentation of the bar snacks in the cocktail glass. How camp is that? I agree the head on that glass of lager is way too large but that's down to my haste when pouring it from the bottle. I think I'm more proficient at giving it, hehehe!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I was at the Exchange Bar early Saturday night waiting for my pimp and drug dealer. I also have a forked tongue and tufts of hair on my fingernails, lol! I was actually waiting for none other than my only addiction which is George. Some think it should be Cristiano Ronaldo in his wildfire pink soccer boots but they don't know what I know. I had a couple of Tusker malt lagers and got served complimentary crisps and nuts. I even took a picture that I’ll show you later because my internet connection today is a complete joke. There are few bars in Nairobi that can match the cosy ambiance of the Exchange in the evenings.

While I was waiting for the prince I met a Kenyan goddess - a lady of breathtaking beauty. She really is a living caramel doll. She was also sitting at the bar looking resplendent in signature Penny Winter linens and beaded sandals made from old tires. By the way check out Penny’s 2010 Collection if you want to get the full picture. I took my chance and said hey lady do you come here often, I’m Tamaku, when does your centerfold come out or something lame like that. She tossed back her head of beautiful thick abuja braids laughing. She said I like you already 'My name is Lavish' - you heard right L*A*V*I*S*H. Not Mary or Sue or Charity or Crystal but Lavish. Think of the pornstar that even granny would approve. She told me I'm just waiting for somebody. I answered aren't we all. She handed me a business card which says she heads a company in Mombasa but she was down in Nairobi for meetings etcetera, etcetera. I was captivated by her eloquence, poise, elegance and schmaglitization which is a word I made up just for Lavish because God broke the mould once He'd baked her.

After talking for about an hour Lavish told me she felt like we had a connection, I said that's even without trying - I also feel you. She then gave me her real mobie number. Friends, my dream is to fly over the rainbow so high was also playing in my head as we chatted. The bar pianist was trying to tap something mellow (rather badly, sorry) away in the background. Just as we were getting down to opening up on our secrets, George rang me to say baby come downstairs now, because he didn't want to come up. When I went to pay the bill, Lavish said please allow me so I kissed her on the cheeks - thanks, bye-bye I'll definitely see you soon honey. Just to cap it all that’s when I noticed she was wearing Flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf. Power. Enchanting. Hot. Very Lavish.

So George and I drove to Westlands, we stopped at the club Black Diamond. Beautiful Nairobians had come out to play, you'd never see them during the day because the sun is too hot for those wisps of a delicate disposition. Rugged expatriate men hovering around sophisticated barely-legal black girls who love chain-smoking Embassy Lights. Or butch black boys strutting all over the place with their white boyfriends watching football on the TV screens while sipping lager from bottles pretending to be straight. It's a surreal hedonist's world fueled by snobbery and money. Lots of cash just swirling in a pot owned by a select few. That's Nairobi's playground for you. However Monaco it most definitely is not because our version is just cheap veneer. Scratch the surface and most posers here are but one paycheck away from financial devastation. I can see through you, hahaha!

We quickly both got bored of the fakery, sadness and pointlessness of it all after an hour or so. Usual drill, one drink at the rooftop terrace of Black Diamond which was kicking then we decamped a notch downmarket next door to Red Tape and finally finished across the road at Rezorus for a sip. Then we both decided to call it a night and go home when Neyo started singing So Sick -Do do do do do do do-do - because we never get sick of love songs. We weren't feeling tired so we cuddled each other in bed watching the movie that questioned the way I think. I'll tell you all about it soon.