Jesus & Judas (Go to Simba Soul)

The past week has been hellish. After George pronounced the death of our relationship I begged and begged him to forgive me and reconsider but it was soon clear his mind was made up. I even employed the diplomatic culinary persuasions of Imelda but still he would not budge. The way to this man's heart is definitely not his stomach. Contrary to what many people thought, this new chapter in our life did not mean that George was severing contact with me. Luckily for me, my ex (sounds weird to me, I think I'm still in denial like Gaddafi) has only moved across the hall into another bedroom. I feel sad but also happy that George was confident in the depth of our relationship to still count me as a friend for life if not part of the family. We've traveled a long bumpy journey together I just hope we can navigate this rough patch and emerge wiser if not patched up. Thankfully God exists because here in Nairobi we are enjoying excellent weather after the frightening rainstorms of just two weeks ago. To those of you in the northern hemisphere, let me tell you that I never knew warmer wall to wall sunshine nor powder-bluer skies. I'm looking around for a hammock; fingers crossed by the time I find one, George will agree to lie in it with me. After all what's the point of a hammock if you can't be uncomfortable in it with the person that you love?

I've coped with the breakup by working really hard on an interesting client brief which has meant paths crossing with brilliant people I previously worked with including bff Sheila. Motherhood definitely suits her, and my officially soon-to-be godson baby Matt is coming along a treat. We work till 10 pm most days, by the time I get home George is already tucked away in his room. I can tell he's waiting for me to come home because his bedroom lights only go out when I climb the last step on the stairs and open the door to what used to be our room. Thursday night I tapped on his door and whispered goodnight. Gee was quiet for like two minutes though I heard our favorite Ce'cile cd playing softly...love you when you're gone. Then he said slowly sweet dreams, honey! My heart skipped some beats to hear his sexy drawl, I think there's more than a spark there, perhaps still some smoldering embers. For now I just curl up naked in bed where George used to sleep, tossing and turning tortured that he's only sleeping next door. I cover my face with one of his t-shirts sniffing his scent and soaking away my streams of hot regret tears. With my old tattered Raymonds Polar Bear blanket from my childhood wrapped round the pillow I manage to fall asleep just before 3 am. It's not ideal and I'm beginning to notice that I'm not firing on all cylinders by mid-afternoon. If it carries on like this I'll get myself off to Dr Njenga's for a prescription to help me sleep easier. The project I'm working on has a lot riding on it leaving no room for stupid errors. I know some of you who believe in love and the fallibility of mere mortals (I'm not talking of you kasaperekarembo) continue to pray for me, so I hope it won't come to a psychiatrist's couch.

What of elephant-in-the-room, Lavish daughter of Maingi? Well, she sent me a package by G4S Courier the other day; yeah I was also surprised when it arrived given that company's recent local incompetence. Imelda signed for a set of 4 sumptuous boxer shorts in large made from 95% cotton and 5% Lycra. They are a snug, velvet glove-like fit, very much like how I remember her little manicured hands. I'm not veerry endowed in that department (I'm average, Imelda made a good guess, lol) therefore smooth little hands wrapped around my toolbox are always more than welcome but that's another story, hahaha. Also with the package was a carefully crafted personal message. L2mm dear, hope you don't mind me sharing parts of that letter, which I later shredded, with my readers. In it she surmises that I'm not really gay or even bi, she accuses me of exhibiting classic psycho sexual-predator symptoms by blowing hot and cold thereby creating dependence all for my gratification. It's not the first time I've being called that, btw. I on the other hand feel like I'm getting manipulated from different angles. Or to put it in sheng, naona kuna ujanja unago. Oddly enough I'm enjoying both the attention and deprivation equally - I can't work out what about these two very diverse creatures lights up sensual areas of my brain like fireworks.

Oh, Lavish pto'd her missive with the bombshell:I love you and I want to have your baby! It's all too much for me to handle. Tonight I'll just let my hair down, I'm heading off to The Simba Saloon with Sheila for some alcoholic beverages (dawa, anyone?) and nostalgic eighties soul music. You can find us canoodling - seated away from the crowd - in the 'Jo'burg' part of the club. I asked George if he wanted to join us he said he'll think about it but he hasn't given me a decision. We've just devoured a rather juicy water melon from the fridge together which is a good sign, I think know he'll come out too.

I take responsibility for all my actions (I'm sorry)

I finally escaped from the delectable black widow-clutches of Lavish on Wednesday morning because she had to leave for Kilifi. For the first time since those events I was a bag of nerves over breakfast thinking about George and my squalid actions of the last few days. She remarked are you always this grumpy in the morning even after you've had your sweeties? I don't know why but Lavish in broad daylight was already beginning to grate on me. I said 'excuse me if I'm not giving you my full undivided attention but I think my lust for you almost certainly lost me the only man I ever loved completely.' I remembered a line from "Good Girls" that song by Joe - why are all the good girls taken everytime. Lavish paused to put the glass of orange juice down and said tell me it wasn't all worth it because you were more than a willing participant. We were sitting downstairs at the Thorntree cafe looking out where they are extending the sidewalks further out to Kimathi Street. She continued, 'look at me and tell me you never want to see me again and I'll walk away.' I was staring at her breasts, now covered in a lavender crisp business shirt, where I'd rested my head the previous night. I felt nothing. But she knew me a little bit better to be confident that having binged on her juice I could never forget her easily. A tear rolled down my cheek as we embraced bye bye yet my crucifixion was only just starting.

When I got home it was mid morning, the sky was a hazy blue from all the Nairobi sunshine but my skin was cold. George was not in which was fine because i assumed he was away at work. Imelda looked at me with an accusing eye when she came to meet me in the hallway, I said I'm sorry pal for causing so much pain; she just nodded as she handed me an envelope from George. It was a Valentine's card with the love message crossed out. On the other face he had written 'To the love of my life, Tamaku', then: 'You have broken my heart in a million pieces with your cruelty. I've gone away to Eburru to be with Ken and Mwangi. Don't know when I'll be back. ' Signed, Yours Gee, and he had drawn a smiley of a sad face. I felt that dull, cutting pain where my heart should be. My near-perfect world was exploding around me and I had only myself to blame. Well, myself and the intoxicating charms of one Ms Lavish Mwanaisha Maingi (L2M for short). Mostly self-inflicted because she hadn't tied me to any bed.

I'll be a liar if I didn't confess to you that I also felt a deep sense of shame. I had let George down and people that I thought were my friends some whom I met through this blog instantly became hostile. It's no exaggeration that from the slew of emails received I have become the most detested Kenyan gay blogger. Someone even threatened to slash my penis and pour lemon juice on the cuts before cutting my balls off and stuffing them in my mouth! I was stymied to discover how many people think they know what's best for me, thanks for the concern btw. Later that afternoon I picked up myself from the floor and called George. We spoke for ten minutes but all I remember is I was sobbing like a baby saying sorry, so sorry honey. George on the other end was cool, his voice emotionless, not saying much just that he would be back when he was ready.

So I spent the rest of the week in a state of mourning and depression. Somehow I did manage to put in some long hours in a project that I'm working on although my heart wasn't in it. Saturday night just before midnight Lavish called me from Kilifi, she said I see you've been writing about us because she discovered this blog. She said you'll make people think I'm a heartless bitch but I don't care much for the opinions of strangers. Then she said to guess what colour panties she was wearing and I replied baby, whatever colour it is, it must be on fire but I don't feel like the phone-sex thingy tonight. She said wrong answer; I'm not wearing any now. I called to tell you I must have you for myself soon or I'll die. I said baby you won't die, but please, give me some space because I have many issues on my plate that need attending to at the moment. That night I unwisely drunk myself silly in a vain attempt to assuage my tormented soul and fall asleep.

George finally came back home early Sunday evening. We had spoken a few times more but I wasn't getting through to him the way I desperately wanted. I was still unforgiven and from his tone I sensed I could soon be forgotten. How foolish had I been and for what? I feared I had traded true love and security for lust and heady adoration that had left me feeling unfulfilled. I knew that George needed me (which I like) while with Lavish I would just be a trophy (soiled goods really) or a plaything at best (which I'm not used to). Sorry Lavish, but are you really a keeper? Am I not just another conquest, a notch on you bed post? After George had his shower and changed his clothes we sat in the patio silently enjoying the breeze. The air was heavy with the tension then he just cleared his throat and my heart stopped:

'Tam, it's over between us.'

My Valentine's Day & Night (Will I ever be forgiven?)

Continued from here:

I took a taxi to the hotel which was only 40 minutes. When I got to Lavish's room she opened the door and I dropped the suitcase inside, closed the door quietly and we kissed. She was wearing a long t-shirt and nothing else. It felt better and sweeter than the first time. Without saying a word I scooped her to the bed and we made love, she told me when I say no to you I always mean yes. Yes we made music, I finally understood what Chris Martin means on Paper Loving (Cardiac Bass Riddim) when he sings If you cyaan love me now, Don't love me later when my later is much greater...

We both cried real tears by the time we finished, that's how intense it was. I'm not saying that I'm a stud (far from it) or that Lavish is the best lover but it felt so special I even feel guilty telling you about it. Then we ordered room service and ate in bed. In fact we didn't leave the bed until Monday afternoon when we came downstairs to the Thorntree cafe. Over biscuits and tea lavish said Baby I told you I always get what I want. I didn't know what to say. I just said I think you reset my sexuality. She looked at me with her big eyes and took my hands in hers. Yes Tamaku, I was sent to reset your sexuality to straight and it will be set permanent at straight as long as I'm around. My head was spinning but all I could see was George's face. I told Lavish I love George. She said I know, because I met him when I came to your place and saw how you are together. She said I'll give you time to decide because I know you are mine forever. Then we went back to the suite, we made love again and fell asleep.

When we woke up it was almost six in the evening. The air in the suite was damp from the rain mixed with the sweet dizzying smell of sex and we had to get ready for dinner. I rang the restaurant that I'd reserved for George and me to cancel because I couldn't bring myself to go there with Lavish. Then I rang my old assistant Jemima from when I used to have a proper job, I said please superwoman I need dinner for two somewhere nice tonight. Jemima, bless her, called me back in ten minutes and said you have a table at Fogo Gaucho for nine pm. By this time Lavish was in the bath her face floating over bubbles so I joined her. She looked like a mermaid in the water, there are few women who are as beautiful as Lavish is. Because of that fact we made love again, we almost missed our reservation, lol! On the way to Westlands for dinner I called George. He sounded happy, I think he was tipsy. He said I'm at home with Imelda and her son we are having a Valentine's dinner. I said cool, I miss you guys, I'll see you tomorrow. So that's how Valentine's was - me and Lavish at Fogo Gaucho and then later at Black Diamond for some drinks and leg shaking. In the back of the taxi to Black D Lavish whispered in my ear, now that you've wined and dined me, are you going to sixty-nine me? I said you bet, later. My ego was turbo-boosted entering the club with this stunning woman. The guys in the club looked at me as if to say you lucky bastard and the Nairobi night girls looked at my date as if to say who let Cinderella out. I was thinking, wait till you see my boyfriend. Lavish that night was wearing vintage black Yamamoto lace, I told her if we get together with you I'll have to take out a mortgage just to buy your panties. Which is a big joke because Lavish has done very well for herself. She was so feminine like a china doll perfumed so irresistibly, seductive in waves of Vera Wang Princess. Even now sitting here all alone in the lounge watching KISS TV - Kenya's Greatest Entertainer 'talent' show where some hapless but sweet girl is murdering Britney Spears' I Was Born To Make You Happy, I can never forget that scent.

So to cut a long story short, I'm in a dilemma. Big time. I haven't seen George for the last four days although he's keeping in touch by phone. He told me he's taken our car to Naivasha with friends. Advice please!

My Valentine's Day & Night

It’s been a while people, where do I start? Ok, let's go to the beginning which is always a good place to start. So I left London on Friday morning feeling physically refreshed but there were still some cobwebs in my head. Did I tell you about someone called Lavish? Of course I did and many of you weren't too pleased. Anyway, newsflash: she was more than a passing cloud! I'd been thinking a lot about her that's why we agreed with George that we take some time apart. Let me tell you nowhere like 39000 feet up in the privacy of a Club World pod to collect one's thoughts. But by the time BA 0065 landed in Nairobi I was still not clear in my mind what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be with.

George picked me up from the airport; I'd missed him so much. This man has a heart of gold. We hugged tight for half a minute until I felt something move down there, hahaha. Then he drove us home. I could tell he was so excited to see me, telling me about what's been happening. In my absence Imelda's son came to live with us now he's going to school. I won't write much about him because he's only a child.

That night after a quick shower and a light snack we went to bed. When we were lying there George said, so what have you decided? Is it me or is it going to be that woman Lavish? I said honey I can't just choose like that because I love you and I have these feelings for Lavish as well. He said people don't know how complex you are, I just want you to be happy so you need to make up your mind. And that's how the first night back went, cuddling each other in bed and talking for hours. But no sex, none of us even felt like it. We talked about how we met and how happy we've been together and also intimate stuff that I won't tell you because it's deep and only two people ever heard those whispers.

Come Sunday afternoon we were sitting in the lounge watching TV and my mobile vibrated. It flashed up 'LAVISH' and George saw it but he pretended like he had not seen it. I walked to the kitchen to answer the call. I felt something in my stomach from hearing that voice. Lavish asked, man have you missed me? I didn't make a sound. She said I know you missed me even if you don't say it because I'm a woman and we know these things. I found my voice and I said I missed you. Then she said I'm in town at the hotel, I want you to come to me now. I said let me think about it, I'll let you know. Then she said don't think because I'm waiting. Come now I’m waiting for you. Strangely, as she said those words I realized I was pinching my right nipple which was now quite stiff.

After the call ended I went back to Gee, he looked up and said I know you have to go but it's okay. He looked hurt and sad. I said honey I'm very sorry because I’m becoming a bad person. Then I went upstairs to our room. I packed my small wheelie Samsonite, I packed some underwear and socks and toiletries. I also put in a black Van Heusen dinner shirt and trousers and my autograph black pointy shoes. I knew I was spending Valentine's dinner away from George. I was going away to be with Lavish....


To be continued:

Countdown

Good morning. Nairobi is cool, hardly above 21 degrees. George and I just finished collecting our new passports from Nyayo House. We are off to wintry UK in the next couple of days for Christmas and New Year. The entire process took just two weeks which was very efficient of the Immigration Ministry. I was pleasantly surprised to also learn that they are open weekdays from 7am to 8pm, great stuff and not a sneeze of a bribe. Kenya really is changing.

I just took this pic of I&M Bank building on Kenyatta Avenue walking to our car. People we are passing on the street don't seem too anxious about Mr Ocampo's impending announcement but George has already pointed out to me scores of alert plainclothes policemen.

I gotta a feeling

George and I just got back from visiting my friend Nyiva in Kangundo who's made a remarkable recovery from that bodaboda accident. Doctors are confident she'll be back at work in January which is nothing short of a miracle from when I last saw her. Also friends (Gay Knights of Nairobi - by invitation only) and family of mine clubbed some money together which means her son will also be in class when school reopens. There's some cash left over so they'll both definitely know it's Christmas time. Nyiva wants all of you to know how touched she was by your cyber prayers and kind words. Pat yourselves all on the back for that wonderful result.

Well, about that alleged two-timing incident with Lavish last week for which Kasapere now intimates I'm a rapist and lowlife, George and I are in a good place too. By the way I turned down an all expenses offer by Lavish early this week to go see her in Mombasa. I told her I'm not willing to take this to the next level and jeopardise what's dearest to me so I really hope you understand. Lavish said my heart desires you Tamaku but I'll do my best to back off. Then she added rather ominously, I usually get most things that I want so keep looking over your shoulder. We both laughed nervously at that implied threat, I scratched my testicles in camaraderie and replied eh missy, please don't go all psycho bitch on me now. Then we just left it at that.

After that conversation I called George and promised him that there wouldn't be a next time ever. I also more than made up to Gee for that indiscretion but I'm not going to reveal too much. All I can say is my supplication involved an intimate candlelit dinner somewhere very nice, a half bottle of Skyy vodka, Virgin Sudanese shea butter rubbed somewhere and some mind-blowing sex. Oh, the icing on the cake is the present of Christmas this year in England. I'm not too shy to unleash some spare financial firepower if it keeps us together. This morning after reading Kasapere's hurtful comments George tearfully told me I feel so blessed for this no ordinary love and I want you to know that you'll never be anyone's douchebag. So it's back to happy families.

On the way back from Kangundo (that road is an effing disgrace) I took this picture of men-at-work doing patchwork repairs. All is not lost though, a little bird sat on a lofty perch has just told me that total rehabilitation is penciled to begin early 2011 :)

We are both now slightly tired so we'll have a shagnap then shower and change before heading out to dinner with friends and some grueling (for me) clubbing. It's a small price for the privilege of having a younger man for a lover and best friend. Let no-one be under any illusion - George is the most loving, beautiful and hottest man alive. He is also irreplaceable. Lavish was horny-goat sex. Hope that has cleared it all up.

I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good, good night. Lovely Saturday night all. xxx

No Means Yes (Chopped and Screwed)

My life here in beautiful Kenya sometimes feels like a movie. You’ve met the main actors: George (boyfriend), Imelda (housekeeper) and Sheila (best female friend). Weeks ago Lavish made a cameo appearance. Well it looks like she wants to become a regular. This is an account of what happened to me yesterday:

I was in the garden just working on my laptop when I got a call from Lavish. I had spoken to her twice since our first meeting. So she calls me and says hi Tamaku, I’m in town can we please meet. I said what a lovely surprise; of course sweetie just let me know place and time. Lavish said come to the Exchange bar at Sarova Stanley today 4pm-ish. I said sounds super I’ll be there. I felt a strange tingling sensation and sweat down my spine, like excitement mixed with anticipation. Anyway, I finished the report I was writing and then had an extra long shower. I soaped while singing I’ve Never Been To Me by Charlene…Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run,Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun, But I ran out of places and friendly faces, Because I had to be free, I've been to paradise but I've never been to me…..
My intuition was telling me to make an extra effort so I wore my vintage Diesel Jeans, my lucky pink Number 7 polo shirt from Hackett (sometimes I feel like a Brit, hehehe) and brown Hush Puppies from Bata. I over-splashed Tsar cologne on my chin and neck and also some drops on my crotch and I was good to go.

I got the car valet-parked at the Stanley and climbed up the stairs to the bar at a few minutes to 4. I saw Lavish seated at a table by the window looking out to Kenyatta Avenue. I walked up to her and she stood up to give me a hug. She was looking stunning in snow-white denims, I said wow you look spectacular who is it this time. She laughed like a teenage girl and said thanks Tamaku, you always appreciate what I’m wearing, it’s Guy Laroche. I sat down taking in the aura of Flowerbomb which I now know is her scent and the waitress came to our table. She asked what are you having, I said please bring me whatever madam is drinking which turned out to be a delicious Merlot. We talked with Lavish, she told me she was in town to see some people for business including me. I said I’ve been expecting you because I loved your company very much from last time. I was looking inside her brown eyes, she was talking with them code-blinking me you make me feel good and I like you a lot. I thought I must tell her what I’m about so I just told her after the first glass of wine please listen to me . She said what, what and I whispered I’m gay. Lavish was quiet for a minute looking out of the windows through the white sheer curtains then she turned to me and said I knew it was too good to be true. She told me as a successful career woman many men are very intimidated of her. I was thinking what’s wrong with my straight brothers because this is premium grade and she is crying out to be asked on a date.

After the second glass it was now about 5.30 pm so I said please let’s change venue. I was feeling slightly tipsy and my instincts were calling for the chase to begin. We left the Stanley and walked down Kimathi Street and round the corner to Mama Ngina Street. I said let’s go up the Porterhouse bar which is normally full of hoity-toity start-up lawyers. We entered the bar and the room went silent, Lavish has that effect on people and I’m not that bad a catch also, lol. I told Benson the barman, please get us two glasses of Merlot and we carried on drinking. Naughty thoughts started going through my mind sitting next to Lavish brushing thighs and feeling the vibes. After two hours she was licking her lips and telling me man, how about it? I said please let’s go with the flow, don’t rush it.

We left Porterhouse at about 9 and walked towards Hilton holding hands. George called me on my mobile and said where are you, I said I’m with that bird I told you about called Lavish and I’m taking her clubbing to Westlands. He said that’s cool, do what you have to do because I know you like her, I’ll be at home whatever time. Lavish and I got into a cab which dropped us off at Black Diamond. We entered the rooftop terrace and everyone was looking at Lavish because she looks like a supermodel and she made the other Nairobi lovelies look very ordinary. We carried on drinking until midnight. I was feeling peaked and my resolve had long been broken. I said to Lavish, I’m coming back to your hotel with you. She said yes I know you are. Muchiri, the cab guy picked us up and took us back to the Stanley. I was thinking with my dick - please be a good boy today and don’t let this mammy down. We went up the lift and into her exquisite suite. When we got inside she shut the door and then we kissed like virgins although we both know the game very well like La Liga pros.

My hands and lips were on auto-pilot finding rarely ventured routes. Lavish was moaning No, no, please Tamaku. I looked deep in her eyes and said I know baby, No means yes. So we did it, my love-plank didn’t let me down even though it’s been a long time with a woman. Of course I also durexed because that’s my religion and I care. When we got there, Lavish bizarrely said to me please baby tell me you’ll always love me unconditionally. I said honey you are ranked but that was sex and my situation right now is very sticky. So she said I understand but I saw tears in her eyes before we both fell asleep.

This morning I got up at 6, Lavish was still asleep. I put on my clothes quietly like a two-bit whore. I wrote on the pad at the desk ‘thanks; last night was heaven’, and tiptoed out of the room. I got the car back and drove home fast, not thinking of much. Luckily I found George had not left for work. He looked at me and said I know but I still love you. I said sorry baby and he said that’s OK but if it was a guy you’d be history.

So now I’m just here in the garden where yesterday started. Lavish called an hour ago, she said I want you to come see me in Mombasa next week. I said I’ll think about it and let you know. Somehow I feel like things might be getting out of control.

This is my confession

Last night I was home alone. George was away visiting parents and Imelda was on leave. After dinner I couldn't stand the utter loneliness. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my own company very much but sometimes you need to be with people. I didn't want to go out to bars because nothing worse than a lonely drunk. I called George to vent my frustrations and he understood. He said permission granted to seek human companionship for the night but on condition that you both sleep in the guestroom and absolutely no sex. Oh, and it can't be a guy you are dead if I find out. It has to be a girl!

So I got in the car and cruised to a deserted city centre. I saw her on the kerb across Standard Street opposite Trattoria. She was a leggy stunner in a tight halter top and tight short skirt carrying a denim jacket who didn’t look like she’d be a day past 21. It’s amazing how fast a British-made SUV in champagne draws them like flies to shit. She asked me are you looking for action, I said may be, please get in the car we talk. When she jumped in I said my name is Tamaku, she told me hello darling I'm Nicole and it will be 4500 shillings for the night your place or hotel. I said fine and started the drive back home. On the way we listened to some old music like Rick Astley - never gonna give you up and Automatic by Pointer Sisters - every word I intended to speak winds up locked in a circuitry. Nicole told me she was a second year student at the University of Nairobi who was only trying to survive in the big city. I told her I'm not judging because we all have to do stuff at one point or another.

When we got to our estate I could see she was wishing she'd asked for more money. I told her don't worry I don't want to have sex with you, I just need company for the night. I could tell she didn't believe me and some of you guys won't believe me either. Listen up: there's nothing wrong with my truncheon and if there was, which there isn’t, I'd have easily stopped at the late night chemist for some Viagra 100 mg, hahaha. It's performance-enhancing just like cheating but it always does the trick (pun unintended).

I pulled up at our gate and the askari from KK Guards very briefly looked inside the car in shock. He knows I'm gay from how I am with George so he looked at Nicole sitting next to me looking all dolled up like a girl fulani ready for business. We got inside the house and I took her jacket, Nicole said wow what a place you have here, I said thanks and please feel at home. I went to get drinks, Nicole wanted a brandy and I had a chilled Tusker malt lager. Then I turned to look at her.

Let me say that I met many beautiful women in my life so I can safely say that Nicole was an 8.5. Her large soft eyes told me she didn't have much mileage on the clock. She told me she was also a single mum. I told her I'm a fag who lives with a man but he's away for the night. She said no way, I couldn't tell but I won’t let you do me in the butt. I said, ‘no Nicole I told you no sex, not even kinky sex.’

We soon started dancing; I even showed Nicole my dodgy moonwalk to Shalamar's Night to Remember. She laughed at me and said I never met a client as nutty and kind as you. I said right now I'm not a client I'm just a person but I'll give you the money we agreed on. Then we cuddled on the sofa listening to some R Kelly. She felt all soft and vulnerable when we were not talking just listening to slow jams.

Temperatures started rising so I got up and said let's go to the room and please bring your drink with you. Nicole followed me to the downstairs guestroom. I went to run the bath with lots of bubblebath and took off all my clothes. When I was in the bath Nicole appeared at the door and asked can I join you, I answered if you like. She undressed and got in the bath and I just held her in my arms. We stayed for so long we almost fell asleep and the water was getting cold. By the way never have a hot bath alone when you've been drinking - it can be lethal. When we got out I wrapped us both in a large towel and dried her. Nicole looked up my face and asked why are you doing this to me. I said I don't know. I fetched her a spare set of pyjamas, her petite frame was floating in them, lol. I put on some shorts and we sat by the window drinking her brandy.

After about an hour we got in bed. Again Nicole asked don't you find me attractive; I said you are a very beautiful and intelligent woman now go to sleep. When I turned off the lights I spooned Nicole and she started sobbing telling me things that have happened in her short life. I rubbed her chest gently saying I'm so sorry baby, it will be ok. I was thinking evil bastards.

Early this morning I got up and made breakfast for us. We shared a fried duck egg, sausages and Kenylon baked beans. When Nicole went to have a shower I called George and told him everything that I've told you. He said I believe you, now get that girl out of our house I'm on my way back. So I gave Nicole the cash and called her a cab. I declined to give her my number because I said it would just complicate things.

That's my confession.

Saturday

I was at the Exchange Bar early Saturday night waiting for my pimp and drug dealer. I also have a forked tongue and tufts of hair on my fingernails, lol! I was actually waiting for none other than my only addiction which is George. Some think it should be Cristiano Ronaldo in his wildfire pink soccer boots but they don't know what I know. I had a couple of Tusker malt lagers and got served complimentary crisps and nuts. I even took a picture that I’ll show you later because my internet connection today is a complete joke. There are few bars in Nairobi that can match the cosy ambiance of the Exchange in the evenings.

While I was waiting for the prince I met a Kenyan goddess - a lady of breathtaking beauty. She really is a living caramel doll. She was also sitting at the bar looking resplendent in signature Penny Winter linens and beaded sandals made from old tires. By the way check out Penny’s 2010 Collection if you want to get the full picture. I took my chance and said hey lady do you come here often, I’m Tamaku, when does your centerfold come out or something lame like that. She tossed back her head of beautiful thick abuja braids laughing. She said I like you already 'My name is Lavish' - you heard right L*A*V*I*S*H. Not Mary or Sue or Charity or Crystal but Lavish. Think of the pornstar that even granny would approve. She told me I'm just waiting for somebody. I answered aren't we all. She handed me a business card which says she heads a company in Mombasa but she was down in Nairobi for meetings etcetera, etcetera. I was captivated by her eloquence, poise, elegance and schmaglitization which is a word I made up just for Lavish because God broke the mould once He'd baked her.

After talking for about an hour Lavish told me she felt like we had a connection, I said that's even without trying - I also feel you. She then gave me her real mobie number. Friends, my dream is to fly over the rainbow so high was also playing in my head as we chatted. The bar pianist was trying to tap something mellow (rather badly, sorry) away in the background. Just as we were getting down to opening up on our secrets, George rang me to say baby come downstairs now, because he didn't want to come up. When I went to pay the bill, Lavish said please allow me so I kissed her on the cheeks - thanks, bye-bye I'll definitely see you soon honey. Just to cap it all that’s when I noticed she was wearing Flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf. Power. Enchanting. Hot. Very Lavish.

So George and I drove to Westlands, we stopped at the club Black Diamond. Beautiful Nairobians had come out to play, you'd never see them during the day because the sun is too hot for those wisps of a delicate disposition. Rugged expatriate men hovering around sophisticated barely-legal black girls who love chain-smoking Embassy Lights. Or butch black boys strutting all over the place with their white boyfriends watching football on the TV screens while sipping lager from bottles pretending to be straight. It's a surreal hedonist's world fueled by snobbery and money. Lots of cash just swirling in a pot owned by a select few. That's Nairobi's playground for you. However Monaco it most definitely is not because our version is just cheap veneer. Scratch the surface and most posers here are but one paycheck away from financial devastation. I can see through you, hahaha!

We quickly both got bored of the fakery, sadness and pointlessness of it all after an hour or so. Usual drill, one drink at the rooftop terrace of Black Diamond which was kicking then we decamped a notch downmarket next door to Red Tape and finally finished across the road at Rezorus for a sip. Then we both decided to call it a night and go home when Neyo started singing So Sick -Do do do do do do do-do - because we never get sick of love songs. We weren't feeling tired so we cuddled each other in bed watching the movie that questioned the way I think. I'll tell you all about it soon.

Make this your new religion

Yesterday I met a young male friend who's also the stepson of a former colleague. It's a bit complicated because I once dated his mum but that was a long time ago. He was out with his girlfriend browsing through the foodcourt at the Village Market when we bumped into each other. Luckily for me I wasn’t looking too shabby, I was in my orange Aquascutum short sleeves and tight white tennis shorts which show off some of my assets. Of course with the mandatory Oakley shades. I said hey Eric, I haven't seen you in a while let's stop and catch a beer. We pulled up some seats and ordered a round. Eric's girl was having a glass of red. He introduced her to me, Sam this is the Tamaku I’ve been telling you about. I laughed and said hope most of it good and we shook hands.

So we chatted and I asked about Eric's parents. I particularly wanted to hear about his mum Kathleen, my ex. He said mum's doing fine her business even made it to Kenya Top 100 this year. I said cool, please do greet her for me. I was watching Eric and Samantha, the body language told me they were both madly in love (could be lust) and already doing it. I asked how long they'd been together and Sam looked at Eric and told me two weeks! Hmmm, I thought the honeymoon phase which means having sex four times a day just like the doses for Imodium when you've got acute diarrhea. They are both 18 and students at a city college.

Anyway we got carried away and before we knew it they had five drinks each, I patiently had a couple of bottles of mineral water because I was driving. Finally they got nearly cooked and finished the little money I had on me and I offered to give them a ride home. Sam sat in the front passenger's seat, her long thin fingers tapping on tight Guess jeans to sounds of P-Unit Kare. Then we listened to Lemar’s It’s Not That Easy...girl, I tried to get you off my mind, it's not that easy. It was only a short hop to Eric's parents' home where they both alighted. As I turned the car round something in the front passenger's footwell caught my eye. I reached down and picked up a packet of Postinor - that emergency contraceptive. It won’t stop diseases but it can cause women to have irregular bleeding and nausea. I knew this must have dropped from Sam's bag. I thought those two are definitely going to need this the way they're all over each other so I fished out my mobile and dialed Eric's number. He came back to the car quickly because they had only just gone through the gates. I said I think this belongs to Samantha. He took the packet of pills and gave me a shamefaced grin because years ago I'd had The Talk with him when his mum asked me to.

Last night before I drove off I looked straight Eric in the eye and said,'Son, you're just starting out in life. From tonight onwards better make it your religion to never go in without a skin!'

No swimming with piranha

A couple of fridays ago George and I went for evening drinks at the Hilton's Jockey Bar. We also shared complementary roasted peanuts for both our nuts which is important for libido and stamina. Not too many salted nuts though because you might have a heart attack. I’ll let you decide, studhood or an early grave. As the evening wore on George was looking even more deserving of a good tickle, he's a generous lover and good ex-cop because he only had two bottles of chilled White Cap lager. I didn't want to let the side down and I wasn't driving so I downed a mini forest of Tuskers but very, very reshponshibly because they were getting planted at over 300 shillings plus taxes each. Ouch.

Soon we met the inevitable ma-gals, I say ma-gals because they were working girls (prostitutes is too entry-level). They didn't look too appetising but one man's poison may be another's meat. I should confess now that sometimes I think I could backslide and make an exception for the right chick only if we clicked on a sensuality level (only true freaks will understand) and if said candidate is an exceptional kisser. But not this sleazy clock-watching pair, I wouldn't screw them with your dick for money even though the recent census says the population of Kenyan women is almost equal to that of men. Also it tends to rain heavily in Nairobi especially when you've been drinking one must always pack a durex raincoat in the wallet it may be what saves your life in a storm. Many punters had their twelve minutes of fun and now they pray to God to just see another sunrise. Boys na girls, munanifeel?

I telescoped a benign but tipsy gaze on them just in case they wanted to steal my mano George but they can't give him the sugar that he craves. One of the other girls said hello handsome when she passed by us going to the loo, I answered 'hi sunshine' but she turned back and said I wasn't speaking to you - I was speaking to your friend. I was shocked because she looked like she wanted to scratch my eyes out. Thing is George didn't even look up, he's very allergic to certain women. I also find girls who make the first move as appealing as a Somali pirate, I don't know why. When I left the bar counter to go for a smoke at the poolside area a floor above, I mapped everyone's drinks' position to make sure no one was encroaching on my territory.

Eventually the women realised we were not immediate fodder laced with molasses because George had locked the palm of his hand on my knee and I was looking totally owned. Imelda may have had a point. So we decided to have innocent fun with Betty and Terry, who skillfully milked 3 drinks each from us of frontera chilean merlot wine expertly served by barman James. Betty, the one reeking fake Dior Addict Shine and stale dishwater breathe, sneakily showing the collar of a purple thong (so 90's) and desperately in need of manicure overhaul, told me she lives at Githurai 45 and said she wanted me to be a daddy for 5000 shillings for 2 shots bei ya kuongea (negotiable) at her digs. However breakfast, toothpaste and hot shower extra. And no early morning game drive which was the deal breaker. Cheap like lust is expensive, so I said sounds fab but no cigar babygal but here is a little something for you and your friend, enjoy yourselves - words even Bill Clinton couldn't bring himself to say to that woman. Being decent, gay men without firearms we declined to squeeze the melons or pinch their femme butts and left for home to start what we never like to finish.

On the way home we sang along to the CD with TLC's Red Light Special turned up loud...baby it's yours, all yours if you want it tonight. You can see the video here and fill in the blanks about what we did when we got home, lol. George says I'm more than a handful when I've had a drink. Guilty as charged.

Gay to gay living

Greetings, fellow travellers. The heavens opened late this afternoon when I was out in town. Nairobians hate rain, the splashes from muddy waters stain their crisp business clothes and that means expensive dry cleaning bills. What never ceases to amaze is how many people seem to be caught up when the weather changes: if it rained yesterday at 5 pm-ish (which it did) and you were drenched because you hadn’t carried a brolly, it’s also likely to rain today (which it has) and you’ll be drenched again without your brolly. Makes perfect sense to me. So for a second day running I was treated to the spectacle of elegantly dressed women covering their heads with supermarket plastic carrier bags to save their precious weaves. I’ve heard that some weaves can shrink causing the wearer much embarrassment attempting to account for loss of hair bounce to a husband or lover. That’s the explanation for some of the unwashed nests you see some women carrying on their heads.

Recently a Kenyan friend who lives in Germany entrusted me with some cash to assist him purchase a property. He absolutely loved the internet pictures of the maisonettes at Greenspan at the eastern part of the city. I viewed the show house and confirmed that they are indeed very good value for money at 7.8 million shillings. Armed with a registered power of attorney, I’ve found myself deep in a maze with scum-of-the-earth ( aka lawyers), robbers (aka bankers) and con artistes (aka real estate agents). And I’ve been down some seriously dubious parts of the city trying to conclude this deal - for instance today I was dodging other pedestrians on Luthuli Avenue. Yes, you’ll find drug-addicted prostitutes, a witch-doctor’s practise and money counterfeiters on the same floor as advocates engaged in conveyancing. Poetic justice if you ask me.

On my way back to the car I popped into Tuskys supermarket and bought garden shears because the handle on ours fell off the other day. I also picked up a plant sprayer, because I’ve been trying to grow petunias in a pot and I discovered that the usual watering-can holes let out too much water meaning the seeds didn’t stay buried. When I got to the car there was a light drizzle starting and I spotted a young lad hawking pirate dvd’s. He was standing by a shop entrance wearing a faded t-shirt announcing Hardrock Café - Maui. I asked him his name as I flicked through his wares and he answered Kama which is short for Kamau. He looked very interesting and with much potential if you know what I mean, judging by the well-toned forearms. But I’m not looking - because I’m happily almost married to George - but if I was looking I wouldn’t have attempted anything with Kama because I prefer guys who’ve at least attained the legal age to buy alcohol in Iowa. I said thanks very much fella and paid him just 50 shillings for the dvd of Knight and Day, I didn’t feel even a twinge of guilt because I think Mr Cruise and Ms Diaz don’t need to watch the pennies.

Now we’ve just had our dinner. Imelda made a lovely minced beef and vegetable sauce stuffed into al dente ruote pasta wagon wheels. Sinfully delish. Looks like an early night for us watching the dvd and then I’ll see if George is in the mood. Don’t you lovely people stay up worrying about me - I have my secret tricks to get him crazy and I know exactly what buttons I have to press, hahahaha. Night, night.        

Shopping list

A couple of weeks ago George and I were in a busy chemist waiting to pay for some shampoo and deodorant when I suddenly said to him in my best imitation loud camp voice, ‘Hey Gee sweerie, don’t forget the KY jelly and condoms!.’ I'm a Scorpio so I do like some danger.

There was pin-drop silence around us and you should have seen the look on George’s face, hehehe. I know he’s going to get his own back soon. I guess it wasn’t helped that I was in my about-town ‘mode magazine’ gear of cropped three-quarter Levi Indigo jeans showing some skin and navel hairs, and a tight carrot-orange top. I knew I was looking hot prancing around like a peahen from the I'm In Miami Trick video. Helloooo....lmfao...

George told me later that he could see the twinkle in my eye through the shades. Thing is everyone around us recovered quickly and just pretended as if we weren’t even there which was nice. Only the cashier looked bemused when I took the wrapped condoms and lube from him (never Vaseline, boys - remember we've had this discussion before), leaving George to pay.

Maybe next time I’ll be acting all coy and ask the shop assistant to recommend a condom brand for, how shall I put it, our kind of action.

I said maybe.

Storm over paradise

Happy Christmas and best wishes for the New Year to friends (and foes) from a rain-soaked Nairobi. Last night the taps in heaven really opened but we say thanks for the rain because it was getting beyond a joke.

Laters, and hope you all have a great time, we plan to.... xxx xxx xx

The Doctor

I recently saw a poster on a roadside utilities cabinet near the City Stadium (Italics are mine):

'Dr Hodari - Consultant Doctor (tel 0721 xxx xxx) helps in -

* Love portions (Stir-in and drink from a horny goat's horn?)

* Man Power (This deficiency is not about the lack of employment, lol)

* Woman weakness (Casanova's cure?)

* Family Affairs (Dear Dr, I have the hots for my son...?)'

It's a mad world for sure.

Homo Erectus spotted in Nairobi bar

I was having a quiet drink last night after work while waiting for my George when a female beauty (random score of 50 points) invited herself to my table where I was seated alone. She said she was waiting for someone too so we shared a table and she even bought me a drink. After about an hour or so I was shocked to be invited to her pad for the promise of a good time, it would cost me only 20,000 shillings (expensive for Nairobi, I’m told so deduct 30 points for over-charging) for the whole night but I would 'love every single hot inch of it, daddy'. Meanwhile she didn’t leave any tantalizing descriptions out. If you were eavesdropping you’d have been driven crazy when she told me about her ‘vet’ skills in mouth to mouth for male chickens (50 points). Dear reader I confess I was turned on by this stranger but luckily I remembered that all these are just temptations of the flesh sent by the devil (ashindwe kabisa!) and my mind should be stronger that’s when I started breathing normally and regained my composure.

To be fair to her she was also extremely well-dressed (15 points), with an air of worldly sophistication (35 points) and would have easily passed for a successful businesswoman. And very well-spoken (25 points) I might add, I was mesmerised by her confidence and charm (30 points). Of course I declined the offer of sex from this young lady because I don’t remember how to screw with women – what goes where & how! You can forget you know, it’s not like riding a bicycle. Although on some pornos I’ve looked at it looks like that’s the idea some men have of sex.

Anyway she’d gone by the time George showed up but I told him about my encounter on the way home. So we started wondering: is there any difference between a high class prostitute and a low class one?

City packages swell in tight squeeze

Sorry to disappoint but I’m not bringing news of a pay increase. Rather I’m speaking up for all the long-suffering gals and boys of Nairobi who now brace themselves whenever they see friends approaching them on the streets. It’s been catching on slowly but it’s now at pandemic proportions this need for pals and even casual acquaintances to stop and hold each other in a lovers’ cinch while air kissing mwah, mwah (so last year darlings). Problem is, now the squeezes are getting tighter the hug has morphed into erotic caressing, longer and lower as hands explore, temperatures rising (must be the cold). I think perverts relish these encounters to initiate foreplay on the pavement, grinding a stiff one against a cornered pelvis and groping at butts just to say, ‘how are you’. Well, well look what we have here! I'm in no doubt just how happy you feel to see me. It’s mostly the men, I’m yet to be stabbed by a woman’s bits like say a sharp nipple. Lol! At times the hug looks like someone is being held while having their back scrubbed!

Please friends when we meet just nod or if we have to then let’s shake hands. As for the hug let’s keep it that, not a sample of what you’re packing! Boys, boys.

Shops in Nairobi now stocking better mattresses for gay men

We needed a new mattress for our bed a month or so ago so George and I went shopping. It’s one of those things that could have turned out awkward at the shop for two men trying out a mattress together but I was pleasantly surprised at how things turned out.

The furniture shop was on Mombasa Road where a friendly young guy named Patrick showed us what we were after. He said casually to George, ‘Boss, this will be great for you and your woman’ as his hands pressed down a heavily quilted orthopaedic number. George sat down on one side of the mattress and I followed him rolling from the other side when he dropped the bombshell on the assistant, ‘No, it’s for us!’ And it came as an equal shock to me too the confident way George said it. What struck me even more was that Patrick clearly understood that we were a homosexual couple. He looked at both of us briefly still smiling warmly and nodding then recovered quickly to say, ‘Come let me show you one which is stronger and better if it’s for you two guys to sleep on!!!' Then, 'Hakuna shida' (no problems) followed by a wholly appropriate wink! You could have knocked me down with a feather! For once a stranger who is cool with gays. Wonders never cease in this Nairobi.

It turned out to be a delightful Saturday shopping trip for us. Patrick’s smile and service were indeed exceptional. We ended up getting also a pair of cushions and an exquisite Jali Indian bookcase that I instantly fell in love with for the lounge. George and I both felt special being treated with respect and dignity and not having to lie about who we are to each other, just like any other ordinary couple. Finally we paid for our goods and the shop even threw in free delivery which was very nice. We thanked Patrick for his help and happily left him a handsome tip as we left the shop.

Seems like when you’re paying no one is going to be too bothered, everyone, even gays are welcome with open arms in most places. And charming, chilled guys like Patrick are what make life taste that little bit sweeter.

Nairobi Photos - 2

Some pictures of Nairobi following on from a previous post.



The Courts where justice is served (don't make me laugh!)


A deserted Biashara Street, shops mainly dealing in fabrics.


Haile Selassie Avenue seen from a pedestrian bridge.


Above is a view of the City Hall.





Street views (old) taken behind the City Hall.


Last picture shows the Village Market a mall in the Gigiri area hosting shops, foodcourt, a recreation complex and even a nearby luxury hotel. A favourite of recession-proof Kenyans and expatriates. Take a peek.

Nairobi Photos

I went to the Fuji shop at the Village market to collect photos from our holiday last week. I was pleasantly surprised to find some pictures of Nairobi still saved to my camera. Here are some of them:

The first one I like because of the architecture and texture of the building.


This second one of a partly pedestrianised Mama Ngina Street I took standing on the steps of KCS House.


Picture number three was taken from the balcony of Tacos Bar (gay Nairobians say yeah!). The statue is of Dedan Kimathi, Freedom Fighter.


Last pic is a side view of Hilton taken from the shaded steps of KCS House. Admittedly I'll never make a photo-journalist.


There are many many more pictures of Nairobi and a heated debate here.

PS. Uploading photos to your blog over a slow connection is not for the impatient!