Monday, June 29, 2009

Batteries not included

I was wondering how all those adult sex toys advertised in the dailies
find their way into the country. Kenyans are a very prudish lot
especially on sex matters somehow I can't see many declaring at
customs cartons containing xxl long ribbed ballsy super cocks. What's
the category under import declarations? Surely we must just be a bunch
of hypocrites as I'm reliably informed many a female Nairobian has a
rabbit mini resting in a bedside drawer. And a spare set of AAA
batteries. Always. No one wants manual once you go automatic.

Don't get me wrong. I haven't been left out in the sampling of these
goodies. The things I do in the name of research for you dear reader.
Recently a friend brought me one of those fleshlights on a visit here
from England. My verdict is every man (and priest) should have one,
limits the chances of straying, never has a headache and there is no
risk of disease. Mine's a butt (naturally) in mocha, a much loved and
close companion now just gathering dust boxed away inside a cupboard.
I might take a picture to show you.

By the way our Kamba and Kisii carvers should really get in on the
act. A perfectly carved 8 incher with a curve in mahogany or soapstone
would not go unsold. I could use a stirrer for my morning porridge,
lick it clean after use.

Sent from my iPhone


  1. When that female customs officer went through my things on arrival at the airport Lagos and pulled out a huge black rubber dildo (not battery operated) from my suitcase, all hell broke loose. I'm really too embarrassed to say what happened next.. :(

  2. Anengiyefa

    You'll kill me! How big was it? Maybe she went home and had arguments with her husband that he didn't measure up! xxx

  3. Tamaku are you sure you did it in the name of 'research' for dear readers?

  4. Hi Shiko-Msa

    Si you know me by now? Dedication to my craft. Always have my readers in

  5. Jeez that sounds slimey....LOL!

  6. Wood and soapstone? Quite HARD, I think...

  7. A friend bought one for my boyfriend...still in the box though. He ( my bf) argues, why use it and I have the real thing..and its bigger and warmer..not bragging just quoting him.LOL

  8. Aiii Tamaku!! Wood and stones? How mind boggling is that?

    Am waiting for the picture!

  9. Hi KW

    And you say it with a tinge of regret? Lol! xxx

    Hi GNM

    If a dildo is not getting used is it still a case of sitting on money? xxx

  10. Hi Mama

    I'm not saying people go sticking stones & mbao huko! Heaven-forbid no, they should get a partner to do it for them ;). xxx

  11. Have people not seen that 'filim' called A Few Wood Men...

  12. I am always amused by how pretentious we all are. I can imagine the officer at the airport showing all the colleagues and wondering aloud whether its duty exempt or not.
    And everyone around giggling and giving you a wide stare....

  13. Hi Rebecca Wanjiku

    Can you imagine that while this is happening your relatives and the rest of the welcoming committee are watching through the glass? Ha ha.
    Btw haven't seen you in these parts thanks for stopping. xxx

  14. Lol....'lick it and clean it after use'.....I have sareed your vibe!! You have left a very nasty pic in my mind right now :)

  15. Hi Mystic

    My mummy used to tell me to always clean and put away my toys after use ;)

  16. Tamaku, that dildo was humongous! And the lady seemed so fascinated by it. I would have even given it to her as a gift too, if she hadn't raised the alarm by bursting out in laughter (rather unprofessionally I thought), attracting the attention of her colleagues, who now gathered round my dildo like it was some sort of visitor from outer space. Eventually, they let me have it back, but not before all my fellow passengers knew about my massive black dildo. Curiously, I too had purchased it just because it was so big. It couldn't really be put to any use at all. Just looking at it was enough. :)

  17. I wish I knew too, there is a good business opportunity to be had importing and selling those toys in Kenya.

  18. Hehehehehehehehe Tamaku, you made my morning.


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