Tuesday, July 28, 2009

BRB, Flying away

We’ve been busy with life and work stuff but just wanted to let you all know that I miss you and I’ll be back soon. Enjoy some MJB in the meantime. I love her too as I love you all. xxx xxx x


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Wipe away the tears

Time to Bloom

This garden was forsaken long ago
Abandoned, it became overgrown.
Once alive with vibrant colour
Now dominated by nettle and thorn.

In the midst of choking weeds
A single rose stood unattended.
Fighting to feel the heat and light
Of the Sun, as nature intended.

A storm did come to pass that way
Which left the garden breached.
The torrent of rain swept the brambles away
The rose was finally unleashed.

Free to flourish and grow at last
To feel warmth upon stems and bud.
To extend roots far and wide
To open up its petals again as it should.


© Kathryn Rutherford (published here with permission)



Thursday, July 23, 2009

Currently Reading

I especially enjoy reading Kenyan blogs, so can imagine my joy when I stumbled upon this gem. It's a wonderful blog by Terryanne Chebet. A real treasure-trove. Very nice. I likey, likey alot. You get the picture, now please check it out.

City packages swell in tight squeeze

Sorry to disappoint but I’m not bringing news of a pay increase. Rather I’m speaking up for all the long-suffering gals and boys of Nairobi who now brace themselves whenever they see friends approaching them on the streets. It’s been catching on slowly but it’s now at pandemic proportions this need for pals and even casual acquaintances to stop and hold each other in a lovers’ cinch while air kissing mwah, mwah (so last year darlings). Problem is, now the squeezes are getting tighter the hug has morphed into erotic caressing, longer and lower as hands explore, temperatures rising (must be the cold). I think perverts relish these encounters to initiate foreplay on the pavement, grinding a stiff one against a cornered pelvis and groping at butts just to say, ‘how are you’. Well, well look what we have here! I'm in no doubt just how happy you feel to see me. It’s mostly the men, I’m yet to be stabbed by a woman’s bits like say a sharp nipple. Lol! At times the hug looks like someone is being held while having their back scrubbed!

Please friends when we meet just nod or if we have to then let’s shake hands. As for the hug let’s keep it that, not a sample of what you’re packing! Boys, boys.

Low gay count a healthy sign

Thanks to all those who took part in the last poll where I asked
whether you thought homosexuals were more sexually promiscuous. The
low votes cast (18 in total) mean that gays are busy, busy at it. If
the votes had been many I would have wondered how you get the time to
vote on how much sex you are getting when you should be out there
getting it!!!

Ah well, it made sense in my head a minute ago...

Have a great day ahead. Living is fabulous. xxx

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Not tonight honey, I've got a headache/toothache/pain-in-the-ass

...to which the standard response should be, 'why don't you take some
painkillers. Wait let me fetch you a glass of water'.

So I was lying in bed last night thinking which is the best sounding language to say 'no I'm not in the mood' nicely. I think Swahili 'sitaki' is a little too harsh. Same for English 'NO'. That small word is so final it might put someone off you for a long time. I think 'nyet' (Russian) has a nice ring to it. Like I'm not in the mood today so please don't even touch me just go to sleep, yet. It's a no with a maybe. The hope to keep the fires burning until the other party just falls asleep...

Of course you could just elbow them or kick out!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Not A Bed of Roses

HIV continues to wreak havoc in Sub-Saharan Africa more than in any other region of the world and it appears African males who have sex with men are particularly affected.

10 times higher HIV rates than in general male population according to a recent report.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8158469.stm

For more on HIV check out Simon's blog on the situation in Kenya.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The bald, the beautiful and dreams of Eric Wainaina in lycra shorts

Tyrese Pictures, Images and Photos Trousers nearly dropping

Michael Jordan Pictures, Images and Photos Looks like someone is getting ready to shoot

I find black bald men sizzling hot. If they are tall and dark then that’s the cherry on top. Don’t like them too muscley though; yes, there is something like too muscley and when a man’s biceps are larger than his thighs you know the tradeoff will be a small weenie. And you want me to do what with that?

Choose between Michael Jordan and Tyrese? What kind of mean question is that? I’ll take them both, unwrapped please. Don’t know why but I don’t feel the popular dreadlocked look, am I missing something. Unless it’s Eric Wainaina, without the wife (three's a crowd), in a pair of tight lycra shorts serenading me on a hot air balloon above Chania Falls. Only then, sawa sawa. And we’ll use George’s handcuffs just to stop me from falling overboard because I’ll be so giddy with anticipation. Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.

By the way check out the baldness calculator see when your guy will have a clean pate.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Help! Password needed to enter Masai Mara

I’ve been having some really wild dreams of late. In the dreams (it’s the same one always) I’m in this windowless room that looks like a gay Masai Moran’s boudoir, you know with fabulous wildebeest and zebra hides hanging on the walls and a sign above the door which says, ‘Welcome to Ole’s Maskan’ painted in red ochre. The ceilings are beautifully adorned with zebu cattle horns, extensive beadwork and flywhisks. In the dream I also see two bright eternal flames on either side of the room from burning pits of animal fats that Ole and I have just slaughtered (yeah don’t laugh I’m also a handsome warrior in the dream). Anyway we are just chilling out on the soft Molo-sheep skins with Ole while wrapped in our shukas (I never see his face but it’s not George, sorry George fans), we are sipping the traditional brew of muratina from a horn which is making us both horny. I don’t see any spears or clubs or machetes or such weapons just the fimbo he wants to show me. The lone cormorant perched on one of the zebu horns squawks but no other sounds.

Just at that part the dream goes grey and I get a computer screen asking for a password!! It’s ridiculous now but in the dream I always type in ‘manyatta’, No. Try ‘rungu’, No! Last chance and I always enter ‘lotikipi’ but it’s also incorrect and that’s when I wake up. George tells me I’ve been kicking out in my sleep. It’s been the same dream for the last three nights, what could it mean?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Please tell me how many times you do it

Hello wonderful and gorgeous people! We’ve got a new poll to the left. The question is whether you think homosexuals are wired differently when it comes to frequency and quality of sexual episodes. Are they getting about the same amount of sex as heterosexuals or are they just insatiable, bed-hopping sex fiends? Please vote; it’s only open for 7 days. Asante. Thanks. Gracias. Takk. Danke. Tack.

Gay confused Kenyan turns to philosophy for answers

Confucius he say:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Big bamboo belong with skinny man while fat man he only have limp noodle

Man who mix Viagra and laxative, don't know if he is coming or going

Gay man in Chinese restaurant always order 'sum yung gai'

And my favourite,

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger!


Smile, meditation in progress so feel free to add your own Confucius
gems..

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Shops in Nairobi now stocking better mattresses for gay men

We needed a new mattress for our bed a month or so ago so George and I went shopping. It’s one of those things that could have turned out awkward at the shop for two men trying out a mattress together but I was pleasantly surprised at how things turned out.

The furniture shop was on Mombasa Road where a friendly young guy named Patrick showed us what we were after. He said casually to George, ‘Boss, this will be great for you and your woman’ as his hands pressed down a heavily quilted orthopaedic number. George sat down on one side of the mattress and I followed him rolling from the other side when he dropped the bombshell on the assistant, ‘No, it’s for us!’ And it came as an equal shock to me too the confident way George said it. What struck me even more was that Patrick clearly understood that we were a homosexual couple. He looked at both of us briefly still smiling warmly and nodding then recovered quickly to say, ‘Come let me show you one which is stronger and better if it’s for you two guys to sleep on!!!' Then, 'Hakuna shida' (no problems) followed by a wholly appropriate wink! You could have knocked me down with a feather! For once a stranger who is cool with gays. Wonders never cease in this Nairobi.

It turned out to be a delightful Saturday shopping trip for us. Patrick’s smile and service were indeed exceptional. We ended up getting also a pair of cushions and an exquisite Jali Indian bookcase that I instantly fell in love with for the lounge. George and I both felt special being treated with respect and dignity and not having to lie about who we are to each other, just like any other ordinary couple. Finally we paid for our goods and the shop even threw in free delivery which was very nice. We thanked Patrick for his help and happily left him a handsome tip as we left the shop.

Seems like when you’re paying no one is going to be too bothered, everyone, even gays are welcome with open arms in most places. And charming, chilled guys like Patrick are what make life taste that little bit sweeter.

Making him sleep like a baby

Thank you dear God for such a beautiful morning. I opened my eyes
still lying in bed to catch my George looking at me as he got ready
for work. I smiled weakly at him to say a silent 'Good morning.'

After he finished dressing he came over and sat on the bed, looked
deep into my sleepy eyes and whispered softly, 'Tamaku, I love you
even more when I watch you sleeping like a baby.'

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Healthy teeth stop Kenyan teens from catching more strokes and an STI

No, I haven’t started blogging about heart disease or cholesterol rates in the young. ‘Catching strokes’ is a euphemism used in Kenya by young people for having sex. Undeniably teenagers are engaging in this reckless sexual activity (shortened sometimes for ‘strokos’) earlier with high rates of teenage pregnancies and many catching also STIs including HIV.

On Sunday we watched ‘Teeth’ a movie about a teenage girl who suffers from vagina dentata or in layman terms toothed vagina! In the movie the girl’s victims are the young males who attempt to force her to engage in stroke-catching (eeeew, surely only a pervert would conjure up such a term?) whereupon the teeth down there proceed to chew up the guy’s penis in castration (all together now in soprano, please: ‘Ouch, Ouch’).

Perhaps a lesson some of our stroke-catchers need to learn. By the way is there an equivalent for gay men? I haven’t come across ‘butt dentatain any of my escapades.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Tamaku is reborn and delivers first sermon!

Following this post where I was accused of being a devil's child, I have seen the light and changed my ways. Here to prove it is my first sermon. Thank you.

My dear brothers and sisters, let us today examine the issue of good morals and how we can maintain them for a good rewarding life:



~ Morals need rest. Ensure yours get at least 7 hours sleep every night.

~ Good morals thrive in a loving environment. Do try and have passionate ravenous sex every night with your spouse or partner even if they are not in the mood. Single people are allowed to visit local brothels to this end.

~ Children learn from what they see. Keep the likes of MTV viewing in your household to an absolute minimum and definitely never after 1am on school nights to avoid contamination of morals. Remember to keep your stash of hardcore porn locked away.

~ Exercise is crucial for good moral life. It is recommended that you exercise yours frequently by engaging in arguments whenever morals are discussed. It’s the one time you are permitted to punch someone in the face.

~ Beware of imitation morals or those sold by hawkers. Only purchase yours from a licensed vendor and keep all receipts as any refunds or servicing will only be on production of a valid receipt. Imitation morals tend to break down more frequently.

~ Trying out of morals before you buy is forbidden.

~ Healthy morals for men need a balanced sexual diet. Ensure the wife understands this. If she doesn’t get it, try knocking her around the head now and then. But do it lovingly. It may be she has loose morals something a firm hand will tighten. It’s the second time you are permitted to raise your hand.

~ Women’s morals will take whatever they are given; no need for variety.

~ You may need to upgrade your morals in the future. This can only be done from your priest. Do whatever he/she asks including offering money or sex to move up the moral hierarchy.

~ It is immoral to charge your morals to the bank for a loan.


There ends this teaching.

Painful Piercing Pleasures Prick

I've been toying around for a while now with the idea of getting a
body piercing. Nothing that would be on public display like on the
face, no I couldn't pull that off. Rather I'm thinking along the lines
of a nipple ring or a bar. George says I've got to have one on each
nipple for a balanced tweaking. Don't know why but I find attractive
small bits of metal hanging off skin.

I discovered this studio in Westlands and another along Mombasa Road,
so this weekend I think I'll be getting myself pierced. I fear sharp
things, it'll be a real challenge for me. If it doesn't hurt too much
I might even extend to other regions....

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Grannies drop kicked in robbery as harsh economic times bite

In response to those kind souls who emailed me asking after my 'ill'
colleague from yesterday just wanted to report that he's had a full
and amazing recovery and I found him bright-eyed at the office this
morning.

After all that drama he pops in my office just before lunch, hey
Tamaku sorry to ask but I'm a little short could you give me a loan
until payday? I felt embarrassed for him especially as it's still
early in the month. His must have been a hell of a weekend but I
understand because I've been there myself years ago when I was still a
lad. And I also used to have a soft spot for this colleague before
George showed up....

Anyway we agreed on the amount and I gave him a cheque for the loan,
'Take it because I don't want to hear you've been drop kicking
grannies on the street for their money!'

Sent from my iPhone

Do I look fat in this?

I get this question all the time from girlfriends. Whenever we meet
over tea or other beverages they'll always find the moment to slip in
this question. I'll say that's a stunning frock with matching handbag
you've got girlfriend, suits you and Rita (size14 with 2 girls on the
go) or Lillian (married, plump, timid when you first meet her but is
really a sexual predator frequenting massage parlours for anonymous
sex), they'll ask: 'Tell me Tamaku, do I look fat in this?'

I've learnt my lines well and always reply, 'No honey, you look
beautiful. Just beautiful.'


Monday, July 6, 2009

'White Chicks'

People please be careful what you wish for! My fav part from the movie....



The ‘mm’ does it for me! How did you know??? Puhleeze!

Malaria with a mild dose of Ebola

One of the guys at the office rang in sick this morning. It riles me
when colleagues who late Friday afternoon were a picture of robust
health and looking forward to a weekend of utter unbridled debauchery
involving lots of alcohol, roast meat and the lovely ladies of Nakuru
suddenly develop 'malaria' on Monday morning. Always malaria.

And what's with the spluttering, sniffling and the low growl that
says, 'I'm knocking on death's door and may not even make it past
lunchtime' when they call. Do me a favour please and speak in your
normal voice. Where they really trip up is at the end of the call:
'I'll just rest in bed no need to see a doctor, I'll see you
tomorrow!' Miracle.


Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Tamaku the biatch!

Thanks to Ty, Leonardo, Shiko-Msa, Anonymous, sid kachumbari and last but not least Mama for entering the caption contest. All six are joint worthy winners. I was well entertained reading all their comments. May I also add that they distinguished themselves as true friends whom I know I can count on, unlike some other people who sit on the fence and refuse to participate even after I went on my knees begging. So dear contestants best-friends you are all on my Christmas card list. Some people were nearly deleted…..

Hey, just felt like bitching, lol! Hope no one takes my rant seriously though (big mistake!) and that we all kiss and make up (we can do tongue if you like and I promise not to bite). Anyway I love all you guys. I’ll get that photo of myself sorted out soon. Soon. I’m still looking for suitable props so if anyone can match Jim Carrey’s make-up in Mask please let me know.

Have a lovely week ahead. Mwaah..mwaaah!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Sex, Wimbledon and lesbians

My pal Rita and I were talking about Serena (is she the Manly One?)
and Venus (is she the Godly One?) and I started wondering which one
scores highest in the lesbian fantasy neon-pink hot stakes. Blame
nature because straight men think about SEX every 3 minutes and last
just as long; gay men every time they listen to Evita, have a hot
chocolate or see a magazine ad for davidoff coolwater and lesbians
every time they are in the kitchen chopping up vegetables. FACTS.

Anyway, I know many men at my gym would give their right arm for
physiques such as the Williams sisters have. Rita tells me that she
like millions of other lesbians around the globe can't decide who
she'll support in the final tomorrow at Wimbledon - she'd also have
both sisters in bed with her for a different kind of game, no balls
thank you. Kinky.


Sent from my iPhone

Forbidden fruits

My friend Rita whom I hadn't seen in ages passed by the office
yesterday for a chat. She's a lesbian stunning beauty with a warped
sense of humour. As we chatted enjoying some fruit she came across
these two strawberries she tried to convince me resemble body parts. I
don't get it, do you? She even modelled the picture even though her
nail-polish was flaking!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Can you learn to love...

Question just for you. The way somebody loves you...



Great weekend all!

Gay sex not criminal in India, is Kenya next

I am overjoyed at news from India where a court has ruled homosexual
sex between consenting adults is not a criminal act.

Sent from my iPhone

Water woes and sharing a bath (water sports)

Parts of Nairobi are in the grips of a strangling water shortage,
rationing is the order of the day following failed rains and chronic
mismanagement. The estate where we live has an excellent private and
reliable supply but I felt we should do our bit to conserve the
precious commodity. George loves his baths and I'm mostly a shower
person so as a compromise I said I'd use the grey bathwater after him.
I don't mind, I volunteered.

So this morning I slid into a lukewarm bath and was happily splashing
away in secondhand water. I jokingly said to George who was now
brushing his teeth at the sink: hope you haven't peed in the bath. He
gave me that look husbands have when wives catch them pants down with
a frantic hand inside the maid's cookie-jar. Eeew George! You coulda
lied.

I am back to my showers tomorrow.

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Mombasa snippets

Afternoon - second meeting with clients. Called for adjournment to go
make some calls but really just wanted to listen to some Sisqo to
clear my head. So I went out to the courtyard for ten minutes pacing
up and down, clients could see me through the French doors and thought
I was making a call to the office but I was singing along to the thong
song on my iPod headphones..thong thong thong thong. Listened twice
then I went back and resumed the meeting...


Sent from my iPhone

MJ the Legend

I'm having a thriller of a day here after a bad start. Flew to
Mombasa in victory and swished through the terminal like a smooth
criminal into a taxi. The driver looked at the man in the mirror and
thought he looks off the wall. He shook his head thinking you can't
blame it on the sunshine, moonlight or good times - blame it on the
boogie or human nature. Later tonight when I'm horny and George says
no don't wanna be startin something, I'll just have to beat it while
thinking of a Billie Jean in bed with a Dirty Diana.

I remember the time with that Liberian Girl telling me don't stop till
you get enough and I asked her can you feel it, can you feel it. Back
then it was as easy as abc and clear as black or white to rock with
you because I was still a pretty young thing...

Sent from my iPhone

Polls and pictures of naked men

105 days ago a poll on this blog commenced to ask whether Kenya should
decriminalize homosexuality. This closed yesterday, the results of
which you can view to the left.

Thank you to all who took part. Right now just getting ready to leave
for Mombasa for the day. Anyone got some saucy jokes or pics please
send them to me, I need to be distracted while flying :(

By the way please enter the caption contest and at the end of the contest on Friday, I'll publish my picture here. It's a promise if you enter the contest. Deal? Deal.