Friday, November 19, 2010

No Means Yes (Chopped and Screwed)

My life here in beautiful Kenya sometimes feels like a movie. You’ve met the main actors: George (boyfriend), Imelda (housekeeper) and Sheila (best female friend). Weeks ago Lavish made a cameo appearance. Well it looks like she wants to become a regular. This is an account of what happened to me yesterday:

I was in the garden just working on my laptop when I got a call from Lavish. I had spoken to her twice since our first meeting. So she calls me and says hi Tamaku, I’m in town can we please meet. I said what a lovely surprise; of course sweetie just let me know place and time. Lavish said come to the Exchange bar at Sarova Stanley today 4pm-ish. I said sounds super I’ll be there. I felt a strange tingling sensation and sweat down my spine, like excitement mixed with anticipation. Anyway, I finished the report I was writing and then had an extra long shower. I soaped while singing I’ve Never Been To Me by Charlene…Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run,Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun, But I ran out of places and friendly faces, Because I had to be free, I've been to paradise but I've never been to me…..
My intuition was telling me to make an extra effort so I wore my vintage Diesel Jeans, my lucky pink Number 7 polo shirt from Hackett (sometimes I feel like a Brit, hehehe) and brown Hush Puppies from Bata. I over-splashed Tsar cologne on my chin and neck and also some drops on my crotch and I was good to go.

I got the car valet-parked at the Stanley and climbed up the stairs to the bar at a few minutes to 4. I saw Lavish seated at a table by the window looking out to Kenyatta Avenue. I walked up to her and she stood up to give me a hug. She was looking stunning in snow-white denims, I said wow you look spectacular who is it this time. She laughed like a teenage girl and said thanks Tamaku, you always appreciate what I’m wearing, it’s Guy Laroche. I sat down taking in the aura of Flowerbomb which I now know is her scent and the waitress came to our table. She asked what are you having, I said please bring me whatever madam is drinking which turned out to be a delicious Merlot. We talked with Lavish, she told me she was in town to see some people for business including me. I said I’ve been expecting you because I loved your company very much from last time. I was looking inside her brown eyes, she was talking with them code-blinking me you make me feel good and I like you a lot. I thought I must tell her what I’m about so I just told her after the first glass of wine please listen to me . She said what, what and I whispered I’m gay. Lavish was quiet for a minute looking out of the windows through the white sheer curtains then she turned to me and said I knew it was too good to be true. She told me as a successful career woman many men are very intimidated of her. I was thinking what’s wrong with my straight brothers because this is premium grade and she is crying out to be asked on a date.

After the second glass it was now about 5.30 pm so I said please let’s change venue. I was feeling slightly tipsy and my instincts were calling for the chase to begin. We left the Stanley and walked down Kimathi Street and round the corner to Mama Ngina Street. I said let’s go up the Porterhouse bar which is normally full of hoity-toity start-up lawyers. We entered the bar and the room went silent, Lavish has that effect on people and I’m not that bad a catch also, lol. I told Benson the barman, please get us two glasses of Merlot and we carried on drinking. Naughty thoughts started going through my mind sitting next to Lavish brushing thighs and feeling the vibes. After two hours she was licking her lips and telling me man, how about it? I said please let’s go with the flow, don’t rush it.

We left Porterhouse at about 9 and walked towards Hilton holding hands. George called me on my mobile and said where are you, I said I’m with that bird I told you about called Lavish and I’m taking her clubbing to Westlands. He said that’s cool, do what you have to do because I know you like her, I’ll be at home whatever time. Lavish and I got into a cab which dropped us off at Black Diamond. We entered the rooftop terrace and everyone was looking at Lavish because she looks like a supermodel and she made the other Nairobi lovelies look very ordinary. We carried on drinking until midnight. I was feeling peaked and my resolve had long been broken. I said to Lavish, I’m coming back to your hotel with you. She said yes I know you are. Muchiri, the cab guy picked us up and took us back to the Stanley. I was thinking with my dick - please be a good boy today and don’t let this mammy down. We went up the lift and into her exquisite suite. When we got inside she shut the door and then we kissed like virgins although we both know the game very well like La Liga pros.

My hands and lips were on auto-pilot finding rarely ventured routes. Lavish was moaning No, no, please Tamaku. I looked deep in her eyes and said I know baby, No means yes. So we did it, my love-plank didn’t let me down even though it’s been a long time with a woman. Of course I also durexed because that’s my religion and I care. When we got there, Lavish bizarrely said to me please baby tell me you’ll always love me unconditionally. I said honey you are ranked but that was sex and my situation right now is very sticky. So she said I understand but I saw tears in her eyes before we both fell asleep.

This morning I got up at 6, Lavish was still asleep. I put on my clothes quietly like a two-bit whore. I wrote on the pad at the desk ‘thanks; last night was heaven’, and tiptoed out of the room. I got the car back and drove home fast, not thinking of much. Luckily I found George had not left for work. He looked at me and said I know but I still love you. I said sorry baby and he said that’s OK but if it was a guy you’d be history.

So now I’m just here in the garden where yesterday started. Lavish called an hour ago, she said I want you to come see me in Mombasa next week. I said I’ll think about it and let you know. Somehow I feel like things might be getting out of control.


  1. What a story, but, dude, "love-plank"?

  2. Tamaku
    Whenever I happen to be in Nairobi I want to buy you lunch - why - because you entertain me so! I've paid for novels that don't entertain me half as much as you! The adventures and juicy sagas of the inestimable Mr. Tamaku continue..... Maybe one day you'll compile them into a short book and I'll put yours right by the indefatigable Lady's #1 detective... Precious Ramotswe...that traditionally built woman :-)


  3. George says Ok????
    I wonder - consider how he now feels wondering if if his boyfriend is now going to two time him....think about it Tamaku

  4. Good stuff Tamaku. Knight in shining armour showing your Stallion to the damsel in distress..hehe. But on more serious note, it is a shame about Lavish's plight and i wish her the best in her love life.

  5. Before I begin. I just want to let you know that I am writing this because I think you are an amazing, brave, fun smart guy with a genuinely good heart. (at least that is what I usually get from your blog so am assuming that you present your true self here.
    First I am not surprised that you got on with a woman because contrary to the popular belief that men's sexuality is rigid and women's is fluid, the history of sexuality reveals that actually MEN'S sexuality is also very fluid. Examples, Greek men often had sex with both men and women although then it was different because sex was primarily understood in terms of power relations-Trade not trade.
    Second point, thank you for remembering your durex religion. Too many fallen soldiers-Michael Foucault, Marlon Riggs and Essex Hemphill. They are remembered and truly appreciated and their impact is truly felt-Liberation as you started it is a journey and unfortunately we are still traveling and will get there someday (soon I hope).
    Third, George is okay with this? Really? I don't know you guys and I don't wanna butt into your relationship but one thing i know is that sometimes we pretend we are okay when people we love do things that displease us because we want to be tough, we want to show them that we don't really care but deep down we care too much too much. We are afraid that we are incapable of assessing the situation without revealing just how deeply we care and are hurting from it.You know that saying that- Once you show someone they are your everything they think you are totaly whipped and so wanaanza matharau na visanga.
    Wewe hebu ambia George afungue roho yake na aongee........
    But then again I might just be making assumptions about you two and maybe George was okay with this for real.
    Fourth, just because I feel like you have such a beautiful life with George. Remember that other saying-Usiwache mbachao kwa mswala upitao. Be careful not to sabotage what you have with George also two mishaps in two weeks? Take sometime introspective time to reflect on where you are relationship wise.
    Fifth, all the best but refer to number four again for your own good. :-)
    Best wishes with everything and remember----say it with me please.... "Usiwache mbachao kwa mswala upitao" ....thank you....
    I will totally be your sassy friend.
    Greetings and please refer to number 4.

  6. Are you bi-sexual? or did u fantasize about guys when doing her?

  7. I stumbled onto your blog today and it's an interesting read. Guess i'd like to know more about you and your experiences, if that's okay with you.

  8. Hey,
    I stumbled onto your blog today. It's such an interesting read. I'd like to get to know you. I know this sounds weird coming from some stranger but I guess I'm just curious. You don't have to feel obliged to reply to this post. It's better that I asked than have what ifs. Nice weekend.

  9. Tamaku, I honestly think you are an good writer and for that I give you props, but at this juncture I have to question...are your proclivities really gay? The description of your sexual encounter with Lavish is more to the extremes of a straight dude...but then again, I could be wrong...

  10. I think I am just too amazed to say anything at this point considering I am new on this blog, but wow. I actually took time to read all the posts from the first one you ever did to this one. For now I am too perplexed to say anything

    regards Smiley

  11. Dude tis a good day for straights.. am not a gay hater but its good to have you back..albeit temporarily hehehe!!!

  12. Tamaku, I read your blogs all the time. You fascinate me even as a married chick. I believe one day we will meet and it'll be my honour to shake your hand and thank you for being genuine.

    What can I say... be careful... some things can't be undone. Be careful not to break George's heart, some men are more sensitive than they care to admit even to themselves.

    Ms xoxo

  13. Tamaku I just came back to check this and I cant believe that people are congratulating you for basically acting like a douchebag. Yes cheating and rape then bragging about both are classic douche bag behaviors. Please allow me to further elaborate where I am coming from.
    1. Multiple sexual partners when you claim to be in a committed loving relationship with George really?
    2. No means exactly that NO. First of all both of you were not in a clear state of mind to have con-sexual sex. It is widely known that when a classic asshole can not get laid by a girl he likes he will make her drunk to lower her inhibitions then proceed. Luckily the law calls that date rape. Let me relay it to you straight from the law.-Date rape is the common term for non-consensual sexual (vaginal, anal, oral) intercourse that is forced (by way of physical force or psychological coercion) on a person by someone that they know. Date rape is a criminal act that is perpetrated by a social acquaintance, a friend, or a dating or intimate partner of the victim. It also can occur when the victim is intoxicated from alcohol or drugs. Please read the following article for more on that. The bottom line here is that you actually said to her NO MEANS YES??? REALLY? this is clear evidence that you went against her wishes. Alcohol can be interpreted as cohesion so in short Tamaku if lavish wanted to sue you she could especially do that because according to the law you date raped her.
    Another thing, please get that ridiculous idea that no means yes out of your head. NO MEANS NO. That attitude is flat out sexist and misogynistic- at the root of it are complex factors that rob demean women and rob them off the agency to make choices for their lives.
    Tamaku I have always thought of you as an okay guy you lives his life and celebrates it but your acts in this one were highly douchbagy and misogynistic.... Please go back to being an okay guy and put this douche bag away forever for the sake of humanity.

  14. Hey Kasapere,

    There's nothing new to learn here. Did I also mention that Lavish's professional career is firmly grounded in legal? No that night meant yes - I know it and Lavish knows it.
    Perhaps you need to get laid more often ;)

  15. mmmhh me thinks that this would make a good TV series

  16. This is a post I never thought I'd read here. Entertaining, but shocking nonetheless.

  17. Shocked me too. This is a work in progress....I learn stuff about humans almost every day xx

  18. I normally love your posts but this one I did not.

  19. Hi Anon,

    What did you not like about what happened? Talk to me. xxx

  20. Hi Tamaku,

    I'm the anon of Jan 27 10.25pm. I came across your blog in 2009 and have been reading it since. I'm straight but I thought your story was beautiful. You are so open minded, have a great sense of humour, seem really sweet and also write extremely well. However, this post filled me with sadness. You were unfaithful to George. As a woman, I feel for George though I guess that neither of you are angels (no man is an angel *sigh*). A lot of women put up with unfaithfulness from their men because their men have the financial muscle. You obviously hold the purse strings and George is now accustomed to life that he ordinarily wouldn't be able to have and into that bargain he loves you so even though he may not like it he'll suffer your unfaithfulness silently and even give you 'permission'. I could be wrong and I'm probably just projecting so if George was genuinely ok with you sleeping with another woman and if you're absolutely sure that he didn't give a damn and you didn't hurt him then I apologise.

    Second, I'm concerned that you've let a fling with a hot woman get in the way of your beautiful relationship with George. I hope Lavish did actually understand and doesn't decide that you're too good to lose and make hooking you her agenda. It seems you've started something that in your words 'may spiral out of control'.

    Hey, I still love your blog and will keep reading until you stop writing - though please don't stop. Good luck.

  21. Hi,

    Thanks for your comments. What happened surprised me more than it did George. But it's refusing to go away which is part of the reason why I'm here in the UK for a month and he's back in Kenya. We`are trying to work things through. It's complicated my life, to be honest I don't know how it will pan out.

    George has a very strong character. Anyone who thinks he's with me for a meal ticket would be very shocked. He could walk out of me like today if it made him happier but he chooses to be with me.

    I feel so bad.

  22. You're welcome. To be honest, if I were George, I'd walk and not come back but from what you've said it sounds like he'll give you some time to sort out yourself and get your relationship back on track. I guess neither of you is willing to throw away a 2 year relationship. I know this sounds silly but it's good that you feel bad. I hope you understand what I mean. I'll keep reading and for purely selfish reasons I hope that you both sort this out.

  23. Heh! Where was my popcorn! Most entertaining read!


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