Diasporic Acid

I continue to do my bit to expand the vocabulary for Kenyanese speakers. ‘Diasporic acid’ is a phrase which one can use to describe vitriolic postings on Mashada.com or Misterseed.com by some Kenyans who now live toil in Kansas or Essex. These mainly homophobic commentators in the Diaspora like to trade vile insults that would cause offense to a drunken sailor on all manner of petty or imagined issues taking place back at home. Invariably these spats never fail to expose primal tribal tensions. It's a fact that some of the worst post election violence in Kenya's history was witnessed on poorly moderated internet forums and chat rooms all in the name of free speech.

It's easy to spot a recently returned acidic diasporian on the streets of Nairobi by the over-sized baggy jeans, baseball tops, Timberlands and fake bling acquired after months of double shifts at Grange Acres Care Home. Brimming with a sackful of Dorahs, Pauds and sometimes Urohs they'll dazzle locals with their largesse at Simmers on a Tuesday afternoon. Don't forget the newly acquired accents which come on and off like Oprah's weight. Words that have an ‘i’ are suddenly pronounced with an é - taxi, Nairobi even Uchumi become taxé, Naérobé, Uchumé. I take my hat off to the poor but calculating local getting thus entertained to death. In exchange for the free beer and food they have to feign puppy-dog concentration by nodding happily to marathonic monologues that include ‘..back in the UK every dog has a dentist...’ or ‘..Shakira lives in my hood in New Jersey.....’

A month later having spent a small fortune on booze, insatiable relatives, a serviced apartment with jacuzzi and fitted sluts these lonely, drained and dejected characters are easily recognisable at JKIA waiting to board a flight back to the Lands of Plenty where a dingy bedsit and eye watering credit card bills await.

Example of use

Non-resident Kenyan: Fo shizzle ma nizzle, I could murder a bizzle*. Where the nearest KFC at?

Resident Kenyan: Man, you’ve got a bad case of diasporic acid!

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*Buffalo to you and me