Sunday, August 1, 2010

Diasporic Acid

I continue to do my bit to expand the vocabulary for Kenyanese speakers. ‘Diasporic acid’ is a phrase which one can use to describe vitriolic postings on or by some Kenyans who now live toil in Kansas or Essex. These mainly homophobic commentators in the Diaspora like to trade vile insults that would cause offense to a drunken sailor on all manner of petty or imagined issues taking place back at home. Invariably these spats never fail to expose primal tribal tensions. It's a fact that some of the worst post election violence in Kenya's history was witnessed on poorly moderated internet forums and chat rooms all in the name of free speech.

It's easy to spot a recently returned acidic diasporian on the streets of Nairobi by the over-sized baggy jeans, baseball tops, Timberlands and fake bling acquired after months of double shifts at Grange Acres Care Home. Brimming with a sackful of Dorahs, Pauds and sometimes Urohs they'll dazzle locals with their largesse at Simmers on a Tuesday afternoon. Don't forget the newly acquired accents which come on and off like Oprah's weight. Words that have an ‘i’ are suddenly pronounced with an é - taxi, Nairobi even Uchumi become taxé, Naérobé, Uchumé. I take my hat off to the poor but calculating local getting thus entertained to death. In exchange for the free beer and food they have to feign puppy-dog concentration by nodding happily to marathonic monologues that include ‘..back in the UK every dog has a dentist...’ or ‘..Shakira lives in my hood in New Jersey.....’

A month later having spent a small fortune on booze, insatiable relatives, a serviced apartment with jacuzzi and fitted sluts these lonely, drained and dejected characters are easily recognisable at JKIA waiting to board a flight back to the Lands of Plenty where a dingy bedsit and eye watering credit card bills await.

Example of use

Non-resident Kenyan: Fo shizzle ma nizzle, I could murder a bizzle*. Where the nearest KFC at?

Resident Kenyan: Man, you’ve got a bad case of diasporic acid!

*Buffalo to you and me


  1. Tamaku wewe bure kabisa. Kumbaff!!

  2. Tamaku,

    Witty and insightful as always. Why do you reckon Kenyans are such unreasonable people (see above!)?

    Happy voting! And may God take some time of Chelsea Clintons honeymoon and keep an eye on things at home!

  3. Ha ha.... I see them now and I have a new barb to throw at them.

    Summer bunnies drive me crazy!

  4. ROTFLMAO all hail the truth as it is...

  5. Ahahaha ..Busted!!
    My pal asked for the cocktail menu at our shaggs local!

  6. Yep. When diasporans have made money and actually live in the cities many allude to we go "under cover". We sneak home quietly and leave quietly. It is like sex, if you are making wild passionate, hanging from the chandeliers love, you do not go put it out there for others to know. It is only those who are not getting some, that are the loudest braggarts.

    BTW, watch out when someone says they live in New York, quiz them. Many live in New Jersey but pretend to live in New York. In some parts of New Jersey you can wake up and think you are still in Huruma

  7. I admit I am a "diasporan" but I agree whole heartedly especially about the vitriol in blogs. I enjoy reading your blogs and will be introducing a gay expat couple moving to Kenya to this site soon.

  8. Tamaku!!! How I have missed you! Oh and you are still my funniest blog ever, this is so so true. Especially the ones who go to India and come back with the full tweng, how now? All the same, love you loads even though am not here much, maybe one day I'll get a chance to tell you what is happening. Kisses to you and George

  9. I think it goes both ways, there are Diasporans who visit with minimal fanfare and are just happy to be away from the grind and among familiar faces. And like it or not, the longer you stay away the more changed you are. But I concur that there are those who come back with mdomo mob and nothing positive to share....

  10. Bahha ha ha ha ha ha. When I came home and didnt come with lots of funfair that other diasporians bring people thought I was "odd" nilisengenywa aje ati mbona nguo zangu hazikai kama za watu wa USA? I was actually dressed quite well.
    Also You nailled it on the internet wars-Makes me so weary of Kenyans-Magomvi magomvi kila saa, masengenyo na wivu. Girls just wanna have fun........One even had the guts to ask me that, "yule msichana mnakaa naye nyinyi nimarafiki sana........" And she was giving me that look. I just smilled knowingly and left it at that...Eish!!


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