S + N = D
Let me explain. You’ll be happy when I’ve finished, this might be the greatest discovery since the glow in the dark toilet seat. You see I receive many e-mails from both gay boys and straight gals asking me the same question: ‘Dear Tamaku, how can you tell just by looking whether a man is packing right, you know, that he comes up to scratch in the snake-park stakes. In other words, how can you be sure before you get the new guy home that you won’t be short changed?’ I used to write back and tell them to use the tip-of-middle-finger-to-wrist test until this poor girl wrote back crying to say the guy she was eyeing had lost his fingers in a meat-slicer accident.
So in response to these fundamental questions about that part of the male anatomy over which many continue to ponder, I have undertaken my own research whose findings I now present here. I spent many sleepless nights thinking and other sleepless nights ‘tossing’ and ‘turning’, so I hope you appreciate my efforts. I did, very enjoyable thank you.
All you need is the formula above. S is for length from the top of the arm across left shoulder to the bottom of the neck. N is for length of the neck to the lower earlobe. Add these together then divide by two (or you'll be very disappointed when you get home), and there my friends is the size of the guy’s thingy (D). In inches, when he’s happy to see you. QED.
Now you’ll excuse me while I take this phone call, it’s from the Knob-El Prize people.
Disclaimer: Not to be used where the specimen is from a neck-elongating tribe. In such instances revert to former test.