Thursday, February 24, 2011

I take responsibility for all my actions (I'm sorry)

I finally escaped from the delectable black widow-clutches of Lavish on Wednesday morning because she had to leave for Kilifi. For the first time since those events I was a bag of nerves over breakfast thinking about George and my squalid actions of the last few days. She remarked are you always this grumpy in the morning even after you've had your sweeties? I don't know why but Lavish in broad daylight was already beginning to grate on me. I said 'excuse me if I'm not giving you my full undivided attention but I think my lust for you almost certainly lost me the only man I ever loved completely.' I remembered a line from "Good Girls" that song by Joe - why are all the good girls taken everytime. Lavish paused to put the glass of orange juice down and said tell me it wasn't all worth it because you were more than a willing participant. We were sitting downstairs at the Thorntree cafe looking out where they are extending the sidewalks further out to Kimathi Street. She continued, 'look at me and tell me you never want to see me again and I'll walk away.' I was staring at her breasts, now covered in a lavender crisp business shirt, where I'd rested my head the previous night. I felt nothing. But she knew me a little bit better to be confident that having binged on her juice I could never forget her easily. A tear rolled down my cheek as we embraced bye bye yet my crucifixion was only just starting.

When I got home it was mid morning, the sky was a hazy blue from all the Nairobi sunshine but my skin was cold. George was not in which was fine because i assumed he was away at work. Imelda looked at me with an accusing eye when she came to meet me in the hallway, I said I'm sorry pal for causing so much pain; she just nodded as she handed me an envelope from George. It was a Valentine's card with the love message crossed out. On the other face he had written 'To the love of my life, Tamaku', then: 'You have broken my heart in a million pieces with your cruelty. I've gone away to Eburru to be with Ken and Mwangi. Don't know when I'll be back. ' Signed, Yours Gee, and he had drawn a smiley of a sad face. I felt that dull, cutting pain where my heart should be. My near-perfect world was exploding around me and I had only myself to blame. Well, myself and the intoxicating charms of one Ms Lavish Mwanaisha Maingi (L2M for short). Mostly self-inflicted because she hadn't tied me to any bed.

I'll be a liar if I didn't confess to you that I also felt a deep sense of shame. I had let George down and people that I thought were my friends some whom I met through this blog instantly became hostile. It's no exaggeration that from the slew of emails received I have become the most detested Kenyan gay blogger. Someone even threatened to slash my penis and pour lemon juice on the cuts before cutting my balls off and stuffing them in my mouth! I was stymied to discover how many people think they know what's best for me, thanks for the concern btw. Later that afternoon I picked up myself from the floor and called George. We spoke for ten minutes but all I remember is I was sobbing like a baby saying sorry, so sorry honey. George on the other end was cool, his voice emotionless, not saying much just that he would be back when he was ready.

So I spent the rest of the week in a state of mourning and depression. Somehow I did manage to put in some long hours in a project that I'm working on although my heart wasn't in it. Saturday night just before midnight Lavish called me from Kilifi, she said I see you've been writing about us because she discovered this blog. She said you'll make people think I'm a heartless bitch but I don't care much for the opinions of strangers. Then she said to guess what colour panties she was wearing and I replied baby, whatever colour it is, it must be on fire but I don't feel like the phone-sex thingy tonight. She said wrong answer; I'm not wearing any now. I called to tell you I must have you for myself soon or I'll die. I said baby you won't die, but please, give me some space because I have many issues on my plate that need attending to at the moment. That night I unwisely drunk myself silly in a vain attempt to assuage my tormented soul and fall asleep.

George finally came back home early Sunday evening. We had spoken a few times more but I wasn't getting through to him the way I desperately wanted. I was still unforgiven and from his tone I sensed I could soon be forgotten. How foolish had I been and for what? I feared I had traded true love and security for lust and heady adoration that had left me feeling unfulfilled. I knew that George needed me (which I like) while with Lavish I would just be a trophy (soiled goods really) or a plaything at best (which I'm not used to). Sorry Lavish, but are you really a keeper? Am I not just another conquest, a notch on you bed post? After George had his shower and changed his clothes we sat in the patio silently enjoying the breeze. The air was heavy with the tension then he just cleared his throat and my heart stopped:

'Tam, it's over between us.'


  1. NO!!!! Tam, i'm so sorry for this.
    Oh, no.

  2. My friend now are in trouble, but am hopeful George will take you back, if you are honestly repentant, and I don't know how you will prove that. Coz u really have minced George's heart and I feel his pain just reading this, plus now u too are hurting!

    I pray for a happy ending for both of you. The ending that will heal your heart and sober your mind, and bring back the joy and satisfaction you had in each other.

  3. I admire your honesty but naturally not your actions. I think all you admirers realise you have hurt George so badly. Time is a great healer and only if you prove to him that all communication with L2M has been severed, will their be a chance to repair the damage. I hope you can convince George to continue to live under the same roof and show him your love for him , acknowledge your mistakes and for god's sake erase anything to do with Lavish....ok Pal !

  4. Your issue is not confusion about sexuality but the usual infidelity that Kenyan men suffer from. What I mean is it does not matter whether you cheated with a man or a woman- it is just a bad thing to do.

    So sorry for George and what you have put him for the relationship- I think it will survive this but may never be the same

  5. Ohh my gudness I cant I believe that you are tying to play victim here. Grow up and have the spine to fully own up without playing the sympathy card.....
    also that trick of recasting women as villains in the recalls of your transgressions is over used now get over it. Phrases like this "I finally escaped from the delectable black widow-clutches of Lavish on Wednesday morning because she had to leave for Kilifi..." are despicable....

  6. Oh Jesus. Please write another post. Like right now. I feel like an episode of Days of Our Lives just ended. I have to know what happened next. I hope you are okay though - in a more serious tone. Breakups are hard. Hang in there.

  7. Aki Tamaku! I honestly don't know what to say to you...I am kinda used to George.....beg or whatever! Best of luck to you.

  8. Enjoy the straight life while it lasts honey!!

  9. i must say your blog was further more interesting, when you introduced george to us, am glad he made that decision.
    as a gay man i thought there was a ray of light in aleast this relationship: so this is sure not a heartbreaker to george alone. since george is ''gone'', am done reading your blog. i dont feel sorry for you, neither do i reprimand you in anyway,shit happens.

  10. Tam
    And I wasted my time reading all those cheap mystery books! We're all hanging on a ledge here... drum roll.... "What will George say?", Will Tamaku be shaken to core and utterly devasted by his words? Will Lavish reign victorious thereby sending George into a downward spiral of despair ...or... will she be consigned to the dustbin of history where she will have an eternity to regret using her feminine wiles to lure Tamaku from Georges loving arms..... but wait... there's more... Will Imelda broker for peace in her household or will she deliver her ultimatum to Tam throwing the heretofore peaceful and efficient household into unparalled chaos...don't miss the next exciting episode from Tams journal...
    Tam perhaps we take you too seriously... Maybe George is also having a ball reading your adventures...Maybe he even has a few suggestions to add to the plot...I suspect you use literary licence liberally ...Well it makes good reading and I love reading you.

    Love Lily

  11. oh MG! I have waited the whole week to read this post and was definitely worth the wait! No pun intended! On a serious note, this cannot be the end of you and George! Do everything you can, pull out every idea in the book you have got to make it work! I admit I am being selfish and want to keep on reading about the both of you but on the flip side, you love him with every bit of you and lavish may come and go but he is yours forever! all the best to you my favorite blogger :-) No offense lavish, you on the other hand need to write your own blog...

  12. Hey Tams, i won't lie, like everyone else i'm dissapointed in you (strange coz i wouldn't know you from the stranger standing next to me at the bus stop)...but i've been where you are and i feel your pain. I won't try to impart my 'wisdom' or even imagine that i know what you should do or what will happen...but i will say a prayer-maybe even several-.....and i will pray too and believe that even after all the tears and mind numbing pain, that you will find true happiness once again.

  13. I'm straight but I loved your relationship with George (or at least how you portrayed it) and now you've gone and broken his heart. You do deserve to be alone. Poor George, he really deserved better or at least the way you've been writing about him it seems so. I hope George will be able to move on and pick his life up. What annoys me is that as much as I dislike you (I used to like you prior to this Lavish business) I still like how you write and your blog is entertaining. If you'll keep writing I'll keep reading.

  14. Wow. I'm not surprised though... Fix things! you two can work but like GNM says, things won't be the same.

  15. OMG... I feel George's pain.
    But I also have some empathy for your situation.

    I wish the two of you could work things out & when you do, I hope you wont get bored after three years and f* up.

    All in all, Tamaku; Love is rare. Treat it like a diamond. Not glass.


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