Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Beautiful Game and understanding the offside rule

Last Sunday George and I got invited by our Nigerian neighbour Theo to watch the televised final of the African Cup of Nations final at his house. I was rooting for Ghana because I like the way their kit showed off their well-toned physiques and the contrast of the white on the ebony was just pure gay heaven. George came along for the football (I’m also a fan of sorts) while Theo was cheering on Egypt because he was still holding a grudge following the semi-final defeat his countrymen suffrered at the hands of the Ghanaians.

So we drank me brodah Theo’s booze (lots of it, remember I don’t have to get up and go anywhere these days) and gorged ourselves on among other delights boiled quail eggs (from that lady doctor over in Lavington). I need to get off my fat ass and make better use of my membership at Parklands Sports Club to get back in shape like the hottie I aspire to be. Incidentally Theo’s mid-thirties, handsome in an African Forrest-Gump sort of way, athletic and a scientist who lives alone with two cats in a beautiful bungalow. Just the kind of guy you shouldn’t introduce to your boyfriend because you should keep him all to yourself, lol. There are some things about Theo that scream iko matata hapo mbele (trouble lies ahead). It was the first time we’ve been to his place, we normally meet while taking walks in the evening and just wave. We both assumed that Theo was straight but after an hour in his house I set my gay-o-meter to alert mode.

Here’s the evidence that set those alarm bells ringing:

- Straight alpha-male ( Theo) in lush dreadlocks invites two male neighbours who live together and are obviously a couple (in love) to his house to watch a game of football. Unfair home advantage springs to mind.

- Straight man then sprawls on the floor of immaculate home drinking lots of lovely alcohol, moisturised footballer-legs wide apart (slut) wearing only a tiny pair of mauve Ralph Lauren shorts (displaying what looks like a yummy overstuffed wrap-sandwich), fingers lazily stroking away silky navel pubes while flaunting naked tight six-pack abs (who does he think he is, Tyrese? Why‘s he gonna act like that?)

- Straight man’s pumped man titties on show are just crying out to be tweaked as he lies on that super-soft luxurious sheepskin made from at least three innocent Molo lambs (poser).

- Straight man arranges napkins on rustic teak coffee table in the rose fold.

I was thinking wishing, is this guy not gay because from what I could see he was Interpol’s description of hot Nigerian man-stealer called Theo ( a love-god’s name to boot, tsk..tsk) but I might have been offside.

I kept a beady eye on Theo whenever he rolled side to side on the rug as he stretched a pedicured foot playfully catching George’s calf with a ’free-kick’ (surely a bookable offence) every time the ref blew the whistle… he himself wanted to blow something else....puhleeze!!


  1. OMG Tamaku it seems leaving work was the best thing you ever did, your creativity has come forth , gushing like the Niagara Falls that it is! And the way you describe Mr Oga, makes me wanna rub one out lol! Keep it coming (pun very much intended haha)

  2. You jealous you!! Hahahahaa, youin big trouble buddy, that Oga sounds like one big, yummy, purrfect load of trouble!!

  3. Gigagagaga!!! Ur nuts Tamaku! Aki! Now we all want a glimpse of the hot Oga Theo LOOL!!!

  4. Hey you the one who George should worry about huna kazi una keti nyumbani ukiranda randa na tembo sasa umeshajua huyu yumo sasa ushijipeleke huko ati wenda kuazima -----

  5. Hi JK,

    Glad you enjoyed that. Take care, too much of rubbing one out can result in blindness...hehehee. xxxx

    Hey Rox,

    Theo is the biz, we invited him to ours next week try hold your breath (as we are), I'll see the true colours. xxx

    Hi Lindsay,

    Sweetie, when you see him you'll think you're dreaming. He gave me a hug on the way out, I know it wasn't a sock down! xxxx

    Sema Anon,

    George thinks the same way, lakini mimi ni mtoto mzuri, nimetosheka nyumbani (might want variety for added excitement though, lol). Georgie dearest, please forgive me, the flesh is weak. xxx

  6. Sounds like this could serve as an opening scene for one of Anengiyefa's novels.

    Theo is certainly not the stereotypical Nigerian. He lives with cats, presumably he treats them well. Treating animals well is not usual amongst Nigerians, more the contrary is closer to the truth.

    It is good that Kenya have offered him an opportunity he didn't have in his homeland.

    No doubt you will fill us in due course, if he is a harmless likable person or otherwise...

    There is no need for Theo to nurse a grudge against Ghana. They defeated Nigeria because they were the better team, pure and simple, not due to some questionable refereeing decision. I was supporting Ghana against Egypt (they are Nigeria's brothers, at least more so than Egypt).

  7. Not to worry, mama will bring over some vaseline and razor blades. Theo about to get cut up california-roll style!

  8. re quails eggs. do you mean the ones at the greengrocers, cause the sign below em sez 150/- and i'm terrified of asking as id end up asking for a dozen and end up paying 150/- each.. haha

  9. Hang on tight and don't let anyone steal one of the best gays away from you. What's with people flirting with "married folks"? Aaargh!

    Even if the relationship is shaky, it ain't reason enough to step in and steal the show.


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