Ok, I’ve been blogging about my life now for close to two years but I still get emails asking me so many crazy questions. From - "how much money do you want me to send you" (enough is never enough, baby) to - "Hi Tamaku, I’m a really lovely girl if you have sex with me you’ll dump that George of yours so fast" (er...I don’t think so sweetie because sex is not all I have with George). So I thought I’d put a survey together and answer some questions hopefully people will get to know me a little bit better.
How often do you have sex?
With myself about four times a week but it’s not getting out of hand. Mostly due to just boredom and as a stress reliever. With boyfriend George less frequently. He says he wants to keep it special, blah, blah, blah. Sorry Gee, just kidding.
What’s your favourite condom flavour?
I don’t know, lol. I’ll have to ask my cock when I get home.
What’s the most sensual part of your body?
My brain when it's stimulated.
What’s your favourite car?
It has to be Land Rover Discovery. My dream car would be Porsche Panamera, the one pulling 500 horses. In ivory. I see stars and get hot flushes just imagining myself driving one. The best things in life ARE NOT FREE.
Are you a top or a bottom?
This question is intrusive and so unfair, fake survey! I don’t see you asking a girl whether she swallows or if she uses a strapon. Anyway I'll answer in the spirit of transparency. The usual position is top to bottom though I also do sideways. I hope that's cleared that little mystery then.
Have you ever been offered and accepted money/food/booze/ice-cream/drugs/shelter/socks for sex?
Yes, haven’t we all! It’s impossible to have sex 100% on your terms every time without sneaking some good old Rohypnol in their drinks. So sex is all about give and take. It’s also nice to be appreciated for a job well done, lol!
You come across as a very happy person. What makes you angry?
I am a happy, easy-going man. The sight of smiling Attorney-General 'Chubby Cheeks' Amos Wako makes my blood boil. I actually loathe the man. Where is the justice in this world? Also people who treat their staff like dirt get me very mad. Case in point that woman from Booksfirst.
When it comes to relationships would you say you are a player or do you get played?
I hate mind-games so I always put my cards on the table. I expect others to come clean as well, has worked for me so far.
Which celebrity would you like to have sex with?
Nick Cannon aka Mr Mariah Carey
Why?
He has a lovely smile and nice teeth which means he’s likely to be a good kisser - big, big plus with me. My fantasy would be to rub baby oil on him then blindfold and handcuff him to the bed and tease him with a feather see if he'll even remember her name. Mariah Who? Also something tells me that for Mariah to be with him, all her fame and fortune, he must be packing more than your bog standard in-the-back-garden cannon. She’s just sapping that baby juice out of him. What a waste!!!
Final word?
Accept the person you are before expecting others to accept you for who you are.
End of interview.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I’m tired of these men. Martha Karua for President 2012
Hi diary. It’s me, Tamaku. What have I been up to? Well, not much but I’m still here in England. George travelled back to Nairobi over the weekend because he said something about ‘work’, a function that is but a distant memory to me as I’m just a lady of leisure, lol! However lunch today was cod and chips, lovely and I need all the calories to keep me warm because I’ve got at least another couple of weeks in this country. Actually later this evening I’m travelling by train up north (Newcastle upon Tyne) to visit friends and freeze my balls off.
Anyway, so yesterday was the day when the Who’s Who of Kenyan society adorned clean underwear, black suits and dusted off mothballed hats to bid first-class farewell to the recently deceased Gerishon Kirima. If you were not at Kirima’s ’do’ then the sad reality that you must face up to is that you are nobody. I paid my respects on my last post. Pity that some of these so-called leaders forgot their brains at home. On second thought perhaps we should be thankful they did. This being a Kenyan funeral what better place for mirth and to score political mileage. Eh, the stupefaction of it all! Get in! I’ve been waiting to deploy that word for the longest time, lol! The ruckus was tooted off by ex-prezzo Moi, he of the Nyayo, ahem, ‘philosophy’ whom I’ve previously written fondly about here and here. And here. The man is not only guilty of much evil but now he’s also about to give me an ulcer and a repetitive strain injury. When he stood up to bore the mourners to death (sorry!) he was again like a broken record whining that the new Constitution which Kenyans voted for last year allows gay unions. Anthropologists will one day need to get this old man’s brain checked when he kicks it (hopefully not too long to wait) because it may provide the missing link between apes and humans. More stupefying (check, check) is how he managed to stay president for 24 whole years!???
Moi’s comments on gays and the Constitution were like a red rag to Prime Minister Raila who recently also etched himself in my bad books. Basically Raila - claws out - bays at Moi that no, the new laws don’t permit same-sex marriage. He chastises, go read it again to understand. Personally I think that was just so bitchy, have you seen the state of Moi’s cataracts lately? Raila doesn’t stop there though. Because he aspires to be a comedian after his political career ends he adds, ‘we have more women than men, why would any man want to hook up with another man?’ Crowd at funeral roll on the floor pissing themselves with laughter. Wow, Mr Prime Minister of Kenya, Honourable MP for Langata , African Union Mediator to Ivory Coast, cussin (sic) to Barack Obama, blah, blah, blah, how profound your reasoning. Someone (wifey Ida, please?) needs to tell Raila to just shut up and dip his fries in that drivel because he’s being a very naughty boy haemorrhaging supporters every time he opens his mouth on this gay issue.
Or maybe not. Let’s get to know Raila Amolo Odinga even more intimately. Not in that sense, the man abhors gays, hehehehe. We already know how he rewards loyalty, how he will kick a man in the nuts when he’s down on his luck. We now know where he stands when it comes to human rights. On the other hand you can’t fault elitist President Kibaki who doesn’t seem to have much time for a spot of gay-bashing. Perhaps he’s got too much on his mind like how to golf-club nagging First Lady Lucy to death while she’s asleep. Or dreaming of sucking a straw for White Cap lager at Michuki‘s pad watching some Beyonce on the ceiling cinema. Either way, roll on 2012 or whenever the elections will be, my vote will be Martha Karua for President. Hardly surprising as I was even subconsciously thinking about it back then. By the way dad, I told you Politics, English and History instead of Law would one day serve me well, see just how far I’ve come.
Anyway, so yesterday was the day when the Who’s Who of Kenyan society adorned clean underwear, black suits and dusted off mothballed hats to bid first-class farewell to the recently deceased Gerishon Kirima. If you were not at Kirima’s ’do’ then the sad reality that you must face up to is that you are nobody. I paid my respects on my last post. Pity that some of these so-called leaders forgot their brains at home. On second thought perhaps we should be thankful they did. This being a Kenyan funeral what better place for mirth and to score political mileage. Eh, the stupefaction of it all! Get in! I’ve been waiting to deploy that word for the longest time, lol! The ruckus was tooted off by ex-prezzo Moi, he of the Nyayo, ahem, ‘philosophy’ whom I’ve previously written fondly about here and here. And here. The man is not only guilty of much evil but now he’s also about to give me an ulcer and a repetitive strain injury. When he stood up to bore the mourners to death (sorry!) he was again like a broken record whining that the new Constitution which Kenyans voted for last year allows gay unions. Anthropologists will one day need to get this old man’s brain checked when he kicks it (hopefully not too long to wait) because it may provide the missing link between apes and humans. More stupefying (check, check) is how he managed to stay president for 24 whole years!???
Moi’s comments on gays and the Constitution were like a red rag to Prime Minister Raila who recently also etched himself in my bad books. Basically Raila - claws out - bays at Moi that no, the new laws don’t permit same-sex marriage. He chastises, go read it again to understand. Personally I think that was just so bitchy, have you seen the state of Moi’s cataracts lately? Raila doesn’t stop there though. Because he aspires to be a comedian after his political career ends he adds, ‘we have more women than men, why would any man want to hook up with another man?’ Crowd at funeral roll on the floor pissing themselves with laughter. Wow, Mr Prime Minister of Kenya, Honourable MP for Langata , African Union Mediator to Ivory Coast, cussin (sic) to Barack Obama, blah, blah, blah, how profound your reasoning. Someone (wifey Ida, please?) needs to tell Raila to just shut up and dip his fries in that drivel because he’s being a very naughty boy haemorrhaging supporters every time he opens his mouth on this gay issue.
Or maybe not. Let’s get to know Raila Amolo Odinga even more intimately. Not in that sense, the man abhors gays, hehehehe. We already know how he rewards loyalty, how he will kick a man in the nuts when he’s down on his luck. We now know where he stands when it comes to human rights. On the other hand you can’t fault elitist President Kibaki who doesn’t seem to have much time for a spot of gay-bashing. Perhaps he’s got too much on his mind like how to golf-club nagging First Lady Lucy to death while she’s asleep. Or dreaming of sucking a straw for White Cap lager at Michuki‘s pad watching some Beyonce on the ceiling cinema. Either way, roll on 2012 or whenever the elections will be, my vote will be Martha Karua for President. Hardly surprising as I was even subconsciously thinking about it back then. By the way dad, I told you Politics, English and History instead of Law would one day serve me well, see just how far I’ve come.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
“I told you I was sick!” (RIP Kirima)
With the passing on of city tycoon Gerishon Kirima in South Africa where he had been taken for medical attention the public saga promised could see more twists and turns than the battle for the late Walter Kilele’s estate which took place years ago (google it). The opposing parties in the Kirima case will no doubt be locked in an epic scavenge over a billion-shilling empire. Someone’s been peddling lies about the assets being worth just 750 million, I smell an elaborate attempt to undervalue. Has Mr KRA been getting what’s due to him? Just a fleeting thought. Anyway some of the old man’s kids went to great lengths to gain exclusive access to their ailing dad, even isolating him away from other family members including the patriarch’s wife aka ‘evil, wicked’ step-mum Teresia Wairimu. Of course - silly me - it was never about the money so I’d expect the offspring to disappear back to their lives once the tears dry up and the funeral is over.
I think it was Katherine Whitehorn who noted The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. I agree. She also wrote why do born-again people so often make you wish they'd never been born the first time? Uh-huh. I’m sure I’m not the only one who noted the clipped upper crust accents of the Kirima brood when speaking to the media. Some of them appear to have had more than their fair share of crusty pies judging by the ample bosoms and over padded derrieres. Seeing and hearing is believing. I’ve always understood it to be a parent’s duty to raise kids with the skills to go and live their own independent adult lives. Obviously daddy Kirima provided too well, the only problem is that he also took too long to die. Call me cynical but I think this appears to have caused some of the clan considerable angst wondering how long before they would get their paws on all that money. I’ve coined a term for it, it’s called Delayed Inheritance Syndrome or DIS. Most commonly afflicted with DIS are lazy, overweight and petulant middle-aged brats whose wealthy parents are past 70.
Example of use
Giddy: I’m so stressed out because I desperately need money to buy new ponies for my polo team. God, why is daddy taking so long to die?!! Now the doctor says I’ve got DIS!
Jon: Aaaah, Delayed Inheritance Syndrome. Bro - tell me about it…
I think it was Katherine Whitehorn who noted The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. I agree. She also wrote why do born-again people so often make you wish they'd never been born the first time? Uh-huh. I’m sure I’m not the only one who noted the clipped upper crust accents of the Kirima brood when speaking to the media. Some of them appear to have had more than their fair share of crusty pies judging by the ample bosoms and over padded derrieres. Seeing and hearing is believing. I’ve always understood it to be a parent’s duty to raise kids with the skills to go and live their own independent adult lives. Obviously daddy Kirima provided too well, the only problem is that he also took too long to die. Call me cynical but I think this appears to have caused some of the clan considerable angst wondering how long before they would get their paws on all that money. I’ve coined a term for it, it’s called Delayed Inheritance Syndrome or DIS. Most commonly afflicted with DIS are lazy, overweight and petulant middle-aged brats whose wealthy parents are past 70.
Example of use
Giddy: I’m so stressed out because I desperately need money to buy new ponies for my polo team. God, why is daddy taking so long to die?!! Now the doctor says I’ve got DIS!
Jon: Aaaah, Delayed Inheritance Syndrome. Bro - tell me about it…
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Cos-Gay is no excuse, let’s make Kenya no country for ‘old men’
I’m sitting here in the toasty loft that is my brother’s study checking email and making sure I don’t miss out on any shenanigans back home. First of all I will gulp a cold Becks to GUG and Co for a well executed and successful legal challenge against that rolling rock - the one that buried itself forever deep inside the abyss of journalistic ineptitude when it chose to publish names and pictures of Ugandans it alleged were gay (relax, you won’t find a link here). Currently the sexy goddess of ethics & justice aka EJ appears to have her juicy butt spread tantalizingly over East African shores. How do I know? Well, I just heard her queefing good over the internet sheets, ok?
The other story that has got me all excited is that one of Ocampo’s Bitches - Industrialization Minister one ‘Heno Cosgay’ he of the dentistry challenged mandible may soon find himself getting in-arse-trialized at some remand facility aka Vaseline Chalets while awaiting his day in court on corruption charges. Unless his only friend Agwambo gets back from the rumble in Ivo with Gbagbo quick. Did you see and appreciate what I just did there, lol. I'm not thinking 'why don't you just pack your bags and go'. Forgive me for getting ahead of myself, but I don’t think I’ll be losing any sleep over this turn of events. My dear fellow Kenyans, I feel nothing! Henry Kosgey is the quintessential smeared-in-black-cotton-soil Kenyan politician. He has form which is well past it’s cull by date. Who in their right mind would even think this pig is suited to hold public office? Aaarrggh.
Please don’t even get me started on the festering Mudavadi-rot - Musalia, not Moses who‘s been dead a canny while. RIP Sir, but still naughty, naughty for playing with Moi. I also haven’t forgotten the Sam Ongeri ‘brouhaha’. Yikes, how far does this whiff go?!
The other story that has got me all excited is that one of Ocampo’s Bitches - Industrialization Minister one ‘Heno Cosgay’ he of the dentistry challenged mandible may soon find himself getting in-arse-trialized at some remand facility aka Vaseline Chalets while awaiting his day in court on corruption charges. Unless his only friend Agwambo gets back from the rumble in Ivo with Gbagbo quick. Did you see and appreciate what I just did there, lol. I'm not thinking 'why don't you just pack your bags and go'. Forgive me for getting ahead of myself, but I don’t think I’ll be losing any sleep over this turn of events. My dear fellow Kenyans, I feel nothing! Henry Kosgey is the quintessential smeared-in-black-cotton-soil Kenyan politician. He has form which is well past it’s cull by date. Who in their right mind would even think this pig is suited to hold public office? Aaarrggh.
Please don’t even get me started on the festering Mudavadi-rot - Musalia, not Moses who‘s been dead a canny while. RIP Sir, but still naughty, naughty for playing with Moi. I also haven’t forgotten the Sam Ongeri ‘brouhaha’. Yikes, how far does this whiff go?!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy 2011 and beyond ,YOU got me thinking
We're waiting for a taxi to transport us to dinner then George and I have been promised a night to remember on the South Bank bars of London. Before I get more plastered than I already am, I just wanted to wish you all a most spectacular night wherever you are ushering in 2011. May you all live long and prosper. xxxx
PS: For Lavish only: honey, next year lets do it like this in Kilifi, I miss you too - it's a deal.
PS: For Lavish only: honey, next year lets do it like this in Kilifi, I miss you too - it's a deal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)