Monday, February 7, 2011

How to get laid in 7 days (Compressed)

Continued from here:

I’ve bowed to pressure and decided to release the whole course tonight due to people’s different schedules and the need to prep.

Suckrifices (sorry)

So you’re in the zone now. You’ll have to suspend booze and fags for the next 6 days because nothing like too much alcohol and nicotine to dampen libido and also stale beer breath is not a turn on. Eaten your three stalks of celery this morning? Good. Now you need to call your date and tell him/her that you’ve got major plans for next Monday. Try not to sound as if your life depends on it. Pick up the phone and calmly repeat after me: ‘Hi xxxx I know you want to spend Valentine’s night with me getting pleasured - I’ll pick you up at 8pm.' Never ‘Can I?’ but ‘I know‘. That way you'll have the upper hand in the game of love.

Here’s some Joe to get you psyched up

Grooming, etc

Day 3 of seduction training. Today is the day to get the killer hair cut. CK and ilk, ensure dye is the fashionable shade or get the secretary to pick up toupee from taxidermist. Don’t forget to shave the back. Order flowers and chocs.. Whatever you do, make sure they are getting delivered to Target’s office on d-day morning. You’ll score some serious brownies enough to get the panties/boxers peeling off effortlessly, trust me….on that note, enjoy some Prince AJ and Co but however weak you feel DO NOT COMPLETE. I know the girls look very hot.

Lube - check, rubbers - check…

Day 4. Bought the lube, massage oil and condoms? No harm in trying on ONE condom to make sure the fit is right…oooohhh, nowadays they even make some of them with silky lubrication INSIDE. Mmmmmm, throw away that one in the bin. Naughty, naughty, naughty boy you‘re going to have to do better than that. Anyway just three short days to go.

Believe in yourself & Oral Hygiene

Day 5. Please tell me you haven’t called Target again?! Nothing as off putting as coming across as too desperate, you must keep them keen and gagging for it. Today should start with the mantra, ‘I will get laid on Monday night, because Tamaku said so’, followed by a stretch and coffee enema. Do not try the latter at home though. It’s not just a question of getting the kettle on and some instant, lol! Also check there are no lesions on the tongue, if there are get down to Nakumatt quick and be od-ing on the Listerine or Corsodyl. Aaahhh. Good, I can ever see your molars. Now give the nips a tweak, you don’t want to be toooo desensitized. How about some Secret Garden.

Almost there....

Day 6. Absolutely no porn today, have an ice bath to cool that boner that threatens to take off like a rocket , lol…(will I ever be forgiven, lol). It’s too late to get checked out for herpes so banish the thought. Early to bed, early to rise. Nite, nite with KCI - Jojo All my life - sweeter than you. Yeah, tomorrow.

Completion, payback and da end (in Swahili known as kazi iendelee)

D-day: You haven’t done much work today. Dinner will be fantastic. It should because you’ll be poorer in a few hours. Later at your pad, phones switched off and a bottle of red while playing Secret Garden (again), lights dimmed. Don’t be shy - lean forward and get that tongue action going. Is that a mammary gland that’s not a relative’s which just popped inside your mouth? Have a gentle nibble then put your hand down there? Is it raining now? Lol. I told you this would be the night. Now who better than R Kelly to take you there….


  1. Now that's a playbook Tamaku ... if I were plotting on Monday this'd be it.

  2. "Get the secretary to pick up the toupee from taxidermist. Don’t forget to shave the back"
    LMBAO, i havent laughed that loud in a while, you are hilarious. I love your blog.

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