Even the wildlife here is homophobic (twisted version)

The sad news of the lion attack at Chipangali this week reminded me of our own camping trip at a game reserve a few months ago. We had to go au naturel under our shorts for three sweaty days but looking as camp as a row of tents (sorry) because Imelda ‘forgot’ to pack us extra underwear. When I grilled her later (over hot coals, lol, just kidding) she said she did it for a laugh. My friends, you can only imagine the pain when you get a scrotum-pube pulled because it got stuck to your shorts which have wedged themselves into a crevice in a hot car seat and then you move suddenly. On account of that I said to Imelda, when she confessed, how would she like it if I ’forgot’ to pay her salary so I don’t think she’ll be repeating that in a hurry. Anyway George and I shared this small two-man tent (very cosy), it was exciting camping outdoors even though the shared toilets and showers were in a separate block, nothing ritzy like this, just clean and functional.

We went with a lesbian couple named Maria and Andrea - Andy for short, but it’s Maria who runs that roost judging from her flat chest, half-inch sides and back and the absence of make-up not even a speck of mascara but I could be wrong. I let Maria sit in front, her full arm which was sporting beaded bangles draped on the door with George driving my car while Andy and I rode bitch-style on the back seats. We’d met the couple on our travels last year and when they came to Kenya to visit their families they decided to take a short break with us. Kenya Tourism Board, what have you done for me lately, I think you need to start paying me commission for all this work I’m doing. We recently discovered what a useful ploy it is for Kenyan gay men to double date with lesbians because you can fool many a homophobic hotelier who will then rush to welcome a pedophile sex tourist and a poor kiddie in tow with open arms.

The first night after dinner, around the open fire-pit and many drinks later (yep, our money’s worth), everyone was ready for their sleeping bag or whatever. Andy and Maria announced that it would be a good idea to sleep outside their tent, for a taste of the real heartbeat of Afrika. They wanted to sleep outside at night in the middle of a game reserve. You know, just like Adam who was not made for Steve (yawn) used to with Eve. Oh yeah? Really? It’s also in the Bible that "Neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." - Leviticus 19:19, so all ‘Christians’ need to check the labels on all their clothes.

I said to Andy and Maria I don't think it’s such a clever idea because I heard a story of a tourist years ago who was sleeping under the stars outside his tent in a game reserve here. Spotted hyenas attacked him in the middle of the night ripping his whole face off. Can you imagine the two seconds when he woke up to find himself looking inside a slavering mouth? I shudder to think, but it’s a second unflattering definition for giving head. Not lol.

Before we all went to our tents I joked that perhaps we should all feel very safe because no self-respecting hyena would be seen dead with a lesbian thigh or gay buttock in it’s jaws. It’s considered taboo and too unAfrican.