Private thoughts of a Kenyan MP

My name is Bure Kabisa, Member of Parliament (or BK to my dear mother) from a constituency here in Kenya.

I've heard so much anger in the last couple of days directed against the enviable joys of being a Kenyan MP demanding extra salary and I'm happy to note that most of you are being patriotic Kenyans with all this hypocrisy. True to form, even that Tamaku had the temerity to call our craft Politricks! I'd like to catch him and teach him a few tricks myself especially now that he's unemployed. But not alone with him in a room because I AM NOT GAY,OK?

Can I first say that you should expect us to cheat because you have also been up burning the midnight oil scheming ways to bend light with your moneyed bishops who are also very talented in distorting facts. In other words remember you can never defraud an honest man. What does that say about you?

We don't care what you think about us because we live in blissful ignorance of the abject poverty surrounding us. I have many ways to spend your cold cash such as paying for my mistress Claire to get her eyelashes tinted in Bangkok every 3 months after getting her eyebrows threaded and shaped. Claire is fond of traveling so last year I cooked up a 10 day trip to Canada which you all paid for. Business class of course so that we could later enjoy romantic weekends in Mombasa on the airmiles. She especially loved Dildo (the place in Newfoundland, duh! not the other one which is man's greatest rival). Have I told you that Claire is the age of my daughter who is still in college abroad on a fully funded scholarship? Some of you will call me a sexual predator, however because I have money and can get anyone I want, I see myself as the victim for choosing to be with her as well as a few others on the side. My logic used to amuse my teachers but who's laughing now. Things are not always as they appear so you should never rush to judge. But you are allowed to when you are prepared to pay him a handsome bribe. By the way Claire is my favorite with her firm caramel apple butt which I enjoy regularly, thanks to Pfizer for Viagra. I know she loves me for my game. Again I AM NOT GAY, I like to think of myself as a gangster so I guess it’s fair to say that Claire is my bangster. Some nights we bang five times until I feel like I'm having a heart attack therefore it's wise to use my time in parliament to catch a few winks and just rest. It's not easy when you're over 60...

You people on the other hand have never had a taste of the good life so you will only squander any money on basics like foodstuffs for your children. Have you got any idea how much charcoal grilled spiny rock lobster, flambéed with brandy and served in lemon butter sauce at the Tamarind costs nowadays? I like it accompanied with baby carrots and mixed salad leaves so my shit doesn't stink. Jeez, by the way why do you people have children you can't afford, just breeding like rabbits? Tsk,tsk.

Day in day out you waste time shouting yourselves hoarse about our pay and perks which are our honorable right, why don't you just go out there somewhere (don’t ask me where) and make money because that is also your right.  I'm getting sick of attending your fundraisers, do you realise that goat meat is not good for my cholesterol? That's the reason once you’ve tasted a good tuna steak there's no turning back. Surely when do you expect me to use my golf club membership when you also want to see me in parliament debating? Really, I pity you guys, don't you have places to go and get pampered on a Tuesday afternoon like have a massage with extras...nyenyenye, all you do is talk bad about us. What have we done, nothing! A bad pain in the ass you all are. All together now, BK IS NOT GAY!!!

And I don't want to hear dirty questions like 'accountability' with the CDF money because I let my wife's brother use that to top up his beer money.

Remember we already have a deal: you only voted for me because of my tribe, stop pretending now that you were after service delivery and diligence to duty.
What I am saying is quit blaming others for the problems you create because you won’t take responsibility for your own destiny.

See you in 2012 around March time, it will be my pleasure to do it all again.

Bure Kabisa MP