Thank you Santa but this is what I really wanted for Christmas

Hello diary. Christmas here in Surrey was lovely. And extremely cold too. We spent the day with my brother Timmy, his wife Claudia and my two nephews who also brought girlfriends along. I won’t forget to mention the adorable two border collie dogs Stupid and Sharp. The issue of George has long been ironed out since our first visit here together. To be fair Timmy is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet - amiable and funny especially when he’s had a drink, my gayness was never going to come between us. He’s also very intelligent and with an acute sense of ethics which is why I wonder what he’s still doing in the pharmaceutical industry.

Everyone got on like a house on fire but somehow George and I still struggled in the freezing temps. The house is heated to 25 degrees C and there’s even under-floor heating downstairs. To cap it all Claudia had an electric blanket rolled out on our double bed. During the long weekend we stayed mostly indoors and only went out twice during the day to the nearby park to walk the dogs. I got a Shoei helmet from Timmy and Claudia while George gave me a leather-riding jacket. They must have been communicating secretly during the year after I said to George I want to start riding bikes again. We gave my relatives wooden African wall masks for their conservatory and I forked out a small fortune in cash for my nephews who are both heading for a skiing holiday tomorrow. To George I gifted a t-bar necklace in white gold. He says he loves it almost as much as he loves me.

Boxing Day afternoon I called Imelda who was away spending the holiday with her mum and her son. She was having a brilliant time frolicking in sunny Nairobi. I said you know what I’d really want right now, I wish you’d have knitted me a cock warmer because England is so cold. She laughed and said eh Tam, I’ve knitted many weird things before but that would be a first! Anyway Imelda being Imelda said, I’ll start knitting one for you right now which you can use during the wintry days here in July but you need to tell me what size your cock is. So I said take a guess but remember you’re due a salary increase soon. So she generously said, ‘Let me make it seven inches then you’ll be all warm and snug.'

I answered dryly, ‘Yes, Imelda at least seven inches flaccid. That’ll do!.' Lol!

We are off

George and I are finally off on our holiday to the UK. We are quaffing champagne very nicely on Club World while waiting for the rest of the flight to get boarded. Loving it. Happy holidays all, be safe xxx xx

Conspiracy theories and mango eating

Hey, we are still in Nairobi owing to the travel disruptions at
Heathrow Airport. Luckily we've just been told that we should be away
in the next couple of days. George and I are not complaining – it's so
hot in Nairobi you could fry an egg on my shiny forehead right now.

It's such a sad day for Nairobi after that deadly blast which cost
lives and horrific injuries, my commiserations. Meanwhile I overhead
someone at the sports club last night when the story broke out, saying
it could be the work of anti-Ocampo forces out to 'discourage' the
tenacious Argentine and his human rights' coterie from coming this way
anytime soon. I'm not in the slightest convinced but then again
stranger things have happened in these parts..

Anyway, we've just come back (my bf and I) from a walk to a nearby
kijiji (village) where we stopped for two deliciously juicy mangoes.
Each was as huge as a baby's head and only for 25 shillings. Aaaah,
these days in the sun are pure magic.

This chocolate starfish should be Ocampo's number 7 - Nominations for Kenya Analists Awards 2010

I read the news of one Ms Mugambi's ordeal at the hands of her former employer Booksfirst and the actions of general-manager Ann Randiki with much shock and equal consternation. Read about it here and let me know what you think. Thank God for the wisdom and mercy of a judge who found for the plaintiff. Lately the wheels of justice around here appear to be moving in the right direction. That - in this day and age - anyone in authority can treat an employee in such a crass, unreasonable and dictatorial manner while expecting to get away with it is just beyond me.

Booksfirst urgently needs to clarify the company policy with reference to these nauseating events. They can then proceed to sack the general manager and offer Ms Mugambi that job if at all she wants it. Btw, the Nuremberg Defense is as lame as Mugabe's libido even if his balls were to get tickled from behind all night by one of his sycophants. Uh-huh....which reminds me can someone please tell Mugabe to lose the Hitler-moustache, people might start to think he's a power-crazed despot.

The reported conduct of Ms Randiki can only be summarized as spiteful, malicious, cruel and repugnant. It has done some damage to the Booksfirst brand. Both make the fabulous Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada, which we watched on Friday night TV, appear as meek as Mother Teresa. Therefore I would like to award Ms Randiki and Booksfirst joint Assholes of the Year. Dirty, dirty, vile and evil.

Travel blues

We've just been to the airport only to discover that BA have cancelled tonight's flight from NBO due to adverse weather at LHR.

Nothing much one can do about it if the good pilot doesn't feel like skating a 777 Boeing full of passengers across an icy runway. We managed to get rebooked out tomorrow night but that's also subject to overnight conditions at Heathrow. BTW, BA Nairobi staff could teach KQ check-in crew a thing or two about service with a smile. Aaaargh, the snow fairy is eating into our precious vacation time!! Right now we are ensconced in Maina's cab leaving the airport for home. I guess it's not all bad, another night for George and I in our own bed can only be a good thing. I hope Imelda hasn't got the house full of a raging bash thinking we are already away, lol!

Oh no, the party season is upon us again!

Today has been a crazy day with last minute shopping for the wonderful friends and family we plan to see on our trip to the UK. One thing that should never be missed from these goodie bags is Kenyan tea and coffee and good old Royco mchuzi mix. My brother Timmy always asks me not to forget the washing up paste Axion - the grease stripper - he says it does a fantastic job at cleaning the rims to his tyres.

After shopping George and I stopped for a quick grab to eat at Java Mama Ngina street. We each had toasted beef and cheddar sandwiches with homemade fries and a woeful garden salad (see pics). That's what's wrong with this country, wherever I look I just can't seem to get a decent salad.

Anyway now we are just resting before hitting the town for some drinks. First stop Mercury Lounge (it's been a while) then finish off at Black Diamond. The season to make merry is well and truly here.

Kenyans accused of 'coordinated crimes against humanity' - displacements, rapes and killings

- Francis Muthaura, Head of the Civil Service

- Uhuru Kenyatta, MP and Minister

- William Ruto MP

- Hussein Ali, former Police Commissioner

- Henry Kosgey, MP and Minister

- Joshua Arap Sang, Journalist

These are the individuals said to bear the greatest responsibility.

Countdown

Good morning. Nairobi is cool, hardly above 21 degrees. George and I just finished collecting our new passports from Nyayo House. We are off to wintry UK in the next couple of days for Christmas and New Year. The entire process took just two weeks which was very efficient of the Immigration Ministry. I was pleasantly surprised to also learn that they are open weekdays from 7am to 8pm, great stuff and not a sneeze of a bribe. Kenya really is changing.

I just took this pic of I&M Bank building on Kenyatta Avenue walking to our car. People we are passing on the street don't seem too anxious about Mr Ocampo's impending announcement but George has already pointed out to me scores of alert plainclothes policemen.

Ten to midnight - the hour cometh (Yes, that's my final answer)

Nairobi, 14th December 2010. Night sky full of clouds looks like it'll be a wet night. DJ/housekeeper Imelda is getting our dinner ready while playing Yvonne Chaka Chaka's I'm Burning Up (are you ready). Before that we listened to Everyday the Same by Nine Inch Nails. My dear mummy came over earlier for lunch unannounced but that was still fab. I know I'm the favourite because she once whispered to me 'it's a parent's duty to always protect the weakest child'. That's her perception of me that I've since exploited most of my life, thank you very much.

At 1400 hrs tomorrow ICC Prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo is set to name the six prominent Kenyans he wants tried for perpetrating, financing and masterminding Kenya's horrific post-election violence. William Ruto MP came back from a recce to Den Haag recently leaving political commentators confounded as to what he hoped to achieve. I liken it to the exploratory call you make to a buddy the day after a serious drinking session when you can't remember what you did. Anyway what's certain is that it was an opportunity to eat pancakes and buy cheese and clogs for his family. Once again absent-minded Kenyan journalists missed an opportunity at the return press conference to ask him if he's ever been to a gay bar. Christiane Amanpour would never have let that pass. Without a doubt this rockstar of Kenyan politics now besieged by the prospect of so much litigation, well, statistics say one of those charges may stick.

To those who care for my personal opinion can I just say that I have come to detest Mr Ruto's ways of introducing dangerous dimensions outside the rules of the game whenever he feels isolated. It's just not cricket. Please Father, Forgive Them - the crowd that went to the airport to give him a 'hero's' welcome - for they know not what they can't do. Lately Mr Ruto has taken on the look of a very scared pussy at the hands of merciless blood-sucking lawyers. Some analysts say he is also emerging as a weak chess player who has been wrongly advised to go for over-exposure. It's so easy to tell the politicians who got the least cuddles as kids because they just can't get enough of the limelight.

I'm reminded about the story of a sheep and a chicken who both lived on a farm. One day they heard the farmer's wife planning a big dinner party with friends. Chicken spent the evening mocking sheep saying that mutton infused with rosemary (the herb not the she, lol) would have to be the main course because it was a large gathering. However the next day the party was cancelled but the farmer's wife still decided to give her small family a treat. Yep, you guessed right - she served up coronation chicken for lunch. Moral of the story - warlords, you are the weakest link, now fuck off. I know, it's a little tenuous but I'm sure you still get my drift.

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Happy birthday Kenya; 21 again?

We are still celebrating Kenya's Independence Day here at home. It's been a memorable day in the welcome company of lover, friends and family. Husband George roasted us the most succulent goat legs which we've been sending down with copious amounts of Tusker lager chased down with shots of Viceroy brandy. We've been listening to sounds like Summer Love by Denyque, Get No Better by Cassidy ft Mashonda (Swizz Beatz you've got mad skills like Tedd Josiah but you are still The Dog. Alicia Keys, remember karma's a bitch). Also been grinding to Missing You by Case (tune, tune, tune).

Oh, my friend Paprika from the UK is also here. AND, so is Lavish over from Kilifi looking so fierce I feel like having another small but secret nibble of her ripened fruits. She's sitting directly opposite with her 36DD tits pointing at me like upturned traffic cones. Saucy minx can't really blame me. Mmmm....

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Kenyans deserve better from Safaricom

Over the past few weeks M-Pesa, Safaricom's revolutionary mobile cash transfer platform has been experiencing all manner of hitches to suggest a network on the precipice of total collapse most likely overwhelmed by the sheer volume of transactions (previously said to be 70 + per second). The last major system upgrade of the past couple of weeks has not eased fears.

Government needs to take note. With millions of subscribers dependent on M-Pesa, the failed transactions and unreliability of the system should be of major concern from a national security point of view as this is a scenario that could even spark nationwide civil unrest.

Kwaheri Naivasha

Just ended my meeting. Tie loosened, pleased to be heading back home. Listening to Prince from the album of the same name, the one with the track 'I wanna be your lover' on the 90 kms return journey. Sunny blue skies, light traffic - fanta orange kind of day but racing manic Mololine matatu drivers on the killer road. Purchased some sheepskin rugs at Lari. Next stop home sweet home.

On a jolly

I've just stopped for breakfast at Silver Hotel's Jolly Cafe Naivasha. It will be a mug of Kericho Gold tea, two slices of buttered toast and two fried eggs (waitress says I can't have one egg, must be two. Lol!).

Sunrise

Nature comes alive in the Rift Valley just before Kinungi. Check out the fascinating mountain crater to the left of this picture. I'm making excellent progress, I should arrive at my destination with plenty of time to spare.

Dull-eyed not so bushy tailed

Good morning sleepy heads. Can't believe I'm getting ready to leave the house at this hour. I've got a meeting in Naivasha for 8 am. Foggy head not yet cleared from last night's three double brandys but I'll drop a Redbull with the toast, that should do the trick. It was a struggle to leave George in our warm bed but needs must. Lovely day all xxx

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