What would Jomo make of all this?

I'm sitting at home watching Live NTV showing Uhuru Kenyatta, son of Kenya's founding president, appearing at the Hague accused of crimes against humanity. Looks like the penny has just dropped...

'The Ocampo Six' released today at the Hague

A blockbuster featuring three Politicians, one Civil Servant, a Policeman and a Midget. Crimes against Humanity - shot entirely on location in Kenya. An Impunity Production by Tribal Films.

My fellow Kenyans, this is why sometimes I feel suicidal

Prof Anyang Nyong’o is a Kenyan Cabinet Minister responsible for Medical Services. The Vision and Mission at the Ministry are ‘To be an efficient and cost-effective medical care system for a healthy Nation’ and ‘To promote and to participate in the provision of integrated and high quality curative and rehabilitative services to all Kenyans.’ Many Kenyans will tell you that those words are just a mirage of hot air rising from the arse crack of a civil servant. Hence the irony of Prof Nyong’o’s personal situation in an interview where he speaks candidly about his fight with prostate cancer in a world-class US treatment facility.

I wish the Minister well because I’m not heartless and I like to think that there’s some compassion still left in me. However I can’t help screaming: What hope is there for suffering Kenyans who can’t afford to pay for a costly evacuation abroad should they require specialist Medical Services?

Oh silly me! What kind of emotional question is that? I forgot that God helps those who help themselves.

Kenya Minister jokes about HIV/Aids while people are dying

Esther Murugi, Special Programmes Minister, finds much hilarity and merriment when discussing what should be done to combat the scourge. Please don’t get her started about men who have sex with men and HIV. That will be a ROFLHOLCBF - rolling on the floor laughing hysterically out loud collecting bird feathers - moment. She's one of the more progressive albeit confused Kenyan politicians. Sample this from just three months ago.

Oh dear me, seems like she is the one who should be put in quarantine for foot in mouth.

The woman magistrate who let a sex offender off the hook

Sylvia R Wewa. Remember that name because you might need to ask for her if you are ever on the wrong side of the law. She is Senior Resident Magistrate at Kaloleni Court who finds herself in hot water for disregarding pre-sentencing reports in the case of serial sex offender Kennedy Munga. The probation reports warned that the accused had not shown remorse nor accepted responsibility for the heinous crime of defilement. Instead of imposing a sentence guided by the law’s minimum of 15 years, Sylvia Wewa decided that a three-year probation was sufficiently severe. WTF. Disgust and revulsion don‘t begin to describe how I feel about this magistrate.

Luckily when the case came up for review before High Court Judge Mohammed Ibrahim he felt the same way and did the right thing. 15 years jail for the accused. YES!!!

Do you have any suggestions what suitable punishment should be meted on this Magistrate Sylvia Wewa?

Cos-Gay is no excuse, let’s make Kenya no country for ‘old men’

I’m sitting here in the toasty loft that is my brother’s study checking email and making sure I don’t miss out on any shenanigans back home. First of all I will gulp a cold Becks to GUG and Co for a well executed and successful legal challenge against that rolling rock - the one that buried itself forever deep inside the abyss of journalistic ineptitude when it chose to publish names and pictures of Ugandans it alleged were gay (relax, you won’t find a link here). Currently the sexy goddess of ethics & justice aka EJ appears to have her juicy butt spread tantalizingly over East African shores. How do I know? Well, I just heard her queefing good over the internet sheets, ok?

The other story that has got me all excited is that one of Ocampo’s Bitches - Industrialization Minister one ‘Heno Cosgay’ he of the dentistry challenged mandible may soon find himself getting in-arse-trialized at some remand facility aka Vaseline Chalets while awaiting his day in court on corruption charges. Unless his only friend Agwambo gets back from the rumble in Ivo with Gbagbo quick. Did you see and appreciate what I just did there, lol. I'm not thinking 'why don't you just pack your bags and go'. Forgive me for getting ahead of myself, but I don’t think I’ll be losing any sleep over this turn of events. My dear fellow Kenyans, I feel nothing! Henry Kosgey is the quintessential smeared-in-black-cotton-soil Kenyan politician. He has form which is well past it’s cull by date. Who in their right mind would even think this pig is suited to hold public office? Aaarrggh.

Please don’t even get me started on the festering Mudavadi-rot - Musalia, not Moses who‘s been dead a canny while. RIP Sir, but still naughty, naughty for playing with Moi. I also haven’t forgotten the Sam Ongeri ‘brouhaha’. Yikes, how far does this whiff go?!

This chocolate starfish should be Ocampo's number 7 - Nominations for Kenya Analists Awards 2010

I read the news of one Ms Mugambi's ordeal at the hands of her former employer Booksfirst and the actions of general-manager Ann Randiki with much shock and equal consternation. Read about it here and let me know what you think. Thank God for the wisdom and mercy of a judge who found for the plaintiff. Lately the wheels of justice around here appear to be moving in the right direction. That - in this day and age - anyone in authority can treat an employee in such a crass, unreasonable and dictatorial manner while expecting to get away with it is just beyond me.

Booksfirst urgently needs to clarify the company policy with reference to these nauseating events. They can then proceed to sack the general manager and offer Ms Mugambi that job if at all she wants it. Btw, the Nuremberg Defense is as lame as Mugabe's libido even if his balls were to get tickled from behind all night by one of his sycophants. Uh-huh....which reminds me can someone please tell Mugabe to lose the Hitler-moustache, people might start to think he's a power-crazed despot.

The reported conduct of Ms Randiki can only be summarized as spiteful, malicious, cruel and repugnant. It has done some damage to the Booksfirst brand. Both make the fabulous Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada, which we watched on Friday night TV, appear as meek as Mother Teresa. Therefore I would like to award Ms Randiki and Booksfirst joint Assholes of the Year. Dirty, dirty, vile and evil.

I'm standing by you

I travel alone to London tomorrow on business, thankfully just for 4 days. I understand the weather there is arctic ; Please let me share with you Carrie Underwood's cover of 'I'll Stand By You'. Especially with my Ugandan brothers and sisters in mind during their darkest hours. Back soon, because I'll miss you, God-willing...

xxx

Gay Kenyans will not go away

Prof Makau Mutua on The Bench articulating the case for Gay Rights in Kenya. It’s a great piece - sorry about ‘drama queen’ Jeff.

Bad Kenyan politics not good for nerves

Someone needs to tell both geriatric Prime Minister Raila and President Kibaki to stop their silly games, to put their toys away and learn to play nicely. No more smoke and mirrors please. They make me nervous with all the brinkmanship that I spend sleepless nights wondering whether we are going to wade through another frothy cesspool of mindless violence. Oh dear me, the mismanaged blame game might be exciting for some but I’d rather vote for the unbelievably tacky Esther Arunga-Joseph Hellon soap. I admit she’s got a lovely rack on her, even better than my friend Paprika has. I wonder whether the saxophonist has gotten his godly fingers and all that jazz over them. Joseph's not too bad either he just needs to lose the suit, bulk up, wear black ribbed tank-tops and stop frowning when facing the camera. Call me, I can make you very classy in time for 2012 (yes, we can!), because I branded many cow butts in my time. Ahem, erm, excuse me while I clear my throat...

But I am now getting the jitters about our future here. Can you imagine by how many notches things will ratchet up when the ICC (for criminals, not the cricket one) names those it wants for masterminding Kenya’s post-election violence? I bumped into a former client who was out being walked by two untrained Jack Russells in our estate on Wednesday evening. She told me that her multinational head office have put on hold indefinitely investments earmarked this year for Kenya. Even the muscled guys who were laying the fibre-optic cable outside our street have left and no one knows when they’ll be back, so unfair.

It comes as no surprise that investors are getting weary of the seesaw within what looks like a rudderless government. There’s ground swell sentiment in business circles that come 2012 political temperatures in Kenya are forecast to reach flash point bringing a freeze to any meaningful growth (if not a drastic downturn) in the economy. I don’t doubt my credible sources because I can’t see any way out unless the two principals learn to rein in amoral associates and dampen their own egos. Surely only fools keep wagging dogs and then bark themselves. I also thought, lucky you Sheryl to have such robust options on the table, it must be very comforting to know you can always jump on BA with your neurotic pooches and leave behind the potholes and the mad matatu drivers, but you’ll miss the weather and the servants though.

I’ve almost lost faith in the way things have suddenly span out of control: why not let the anti-corruption commission do it’s job (yawn, don’t answer). Did I hear you say commission of inquiry to investigate? I thought not. And the police - are they too busy jailing hookers, raiding residences of suspected homosexuals, shooting pickpockets and tear-gassing innocent protesters - is detective really such a dirty word to them?

We must never become inured to the rot in our public institutions. I don’t wish to be a prophet of doom and I’ll do my best to remain optimistic but at the moment all I can see are dark clouds gathering over the horizon. By the way, words of advice to Kuyu Hellon: three’s a crowd, like in this other saga, unless it’s a trio. Plan thy revenge.

Our shield and defender

Thomas(Tom) Cholmondeley, wealthy landowner and heir to the 5th Baron Delamere is due in court tomorrow for sentencing after his conviction for the May 2006 manslaughter of Robert Njoya, a stonemason. The case has exposed the deep fissures that divide Kenyan society along lines of race and wealth. This TV report and a lopsided campaign waged by Tom’s supporters give a flavour of how justice is perceived by some in Kenya.

Sentencing by Mr Justice Muga Apondi is expected in the morning.