Friday, July 30, 2010

Thursday, July 29, 2010

New look

Hey, how are my fellow homos, lezzies, t-girls, bi’s and straights? Hope you are all well and happy enjoying life.

I was bored with the other blog template so I decided to go for a new look. Also Lindsay said she didn’t like the previous one because of the colours. So here we go yet again. Happy with this one sweetie? This particular template is Ribena-red and not Rutonomics-red, lol. You should all know by now that I’m all for passing the draft Constitution on August 4th. Nothing much been happening with us lately, just sleep a lot, play scrabble, cook sometimes and wait for it - I’m even learning how to knit!! Yes, I’m knitting George a scarf which he has promised to wear in the evenings when we go out. Imelda has been teaching me how to weave some magic with wool. I must admit it’s very enjoyable, I might even knit some legwarmers for him keeper-of-the-key-to-my-heart. I'm not sure if he'll wear them to work, hahaha. Otherwise I’m bored as hell waiting for next week when lives will resume with a renewed hope for the future (fingers crossed).

I’ll be back soon. Just tell me what you think about the template. Love ya. xxx xxx

Sunday, July 25, 2010

It’s Referendum Not Referendumb!

Hello diary. Well, it’s now just 10 short days before we vote for the chance to usher in a New Order. Lies are being peddled by desperate politicians who think they are still the penis of Kenya. Unimaginatively they continue to cultivate the regressive politics of fear. It’s a fact that they are champions of a primitive but dangerous conspiracy driven by ambition to attain higher office at whatever cost. It must not succeed. We are warned that the draft Constitution is not the right one by a tyrant who was at the helm during those dark decades of brutal misrule, looting orgies and assassinations. Fathers, mothers, sons and daughters were tortured. Countless were denied their rights by those who now assume the moral high ground. We may forgive the oppressor but we will never forget their wickedness.

Embedded within this group are the feudal lords who shamelessly traverse the country aboard helicopters while we know that they even stole morsels from the mouths of Kenya’s orphans. It’s unfortunate that they still walk free brandishing trademark rungus (some gold-tipped, others beaded) to tell us what to be afraid of but not what to be hopeful for. Thankfully citizens are much wiser and have the courage to say that the emperor and his coterie in the Red corner wear no clothes. Today the majority of Kenyans are ready to step up and deliver that knockout punch.

There comes a moment in life for some very tough decisions. I am excited to feel these refreshing winds of change blowing from the horizon. Young and not so young know that the time is upon us to move this country forward - a date with destiny when patriots must make the selfless defining choice for the common good. My fellow Kenyans, we are also presented with a rare opportunity to heal some of the wounds from the post election violence that almost destroyed our great nation.

That’s why I am asking you to do what is right for your country come 4th August 2010; please vote YES for the change we all deserve.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Child Sexual Abuse

Who is the person in this report, now accused of abusing kids while purporting to run an orphanage?

I have my suspicions about the identity but we shall have to wait until police release further details...

Why I’ll not be going to the Crusade in the Park

Hosting a ‘Crusade’ is a popular weekend business practiced by Kenyan televangelists who also dabble in politics. Kenyan crusaders like to preach louder than a marauding elephant blowing a vuvuzela and insist on tithing (called giving testimoney) from the mainly unemployed, slum-dwelling sunburned followers perhaps because their god is not only partially deaf but also has an expensive coke habit. However they won't pay taxes nor publish audited accounts because they are busy fighting minorities such as Muslims and gays from flower-decked shaded podiums. They are driven in top of the range marques proudly flaunting Dunghill suits, Roberto Calvary shirts and tarnished Submarina Rolexes all bought from a stall in Garissa Lodge for two thousand shillings. The second hand has dropped off and is now just rattling inside the case. You'll find them getting their teeth flossed and ears dewaxed in the treatment room of a mansion fit for a Liberace.

Unbeknown to them, these televangelists harbour deep-seated feelings of self-loathing and hatred of a painful peasant pedigree which explains the obsession with being reborn again. Whatever you do never ever mention abortion unless it's for the 16 year old daughter who recently got knocked up by the watchman. In mitigation a televangelist will say that's a special case to weed out the abnormal recessive genes of poverty and ignorance.

Crusade leaders are renowned for their huge shiny foreheads which they use to dazzle audiences into mass hysteria with deadly success. That’s why too much crusading often leads to a form of intense multiple orgasms sometimes known as seeing the Glory or talking gibberish while thrashing about on the floor and frothing at the lips (both sets, ehehehe) - a phenomenon not dissimilar to the effects of a sustained tongue-licking on da spot, yeah baby right there. In the process you’ll also lose your Nokia N8 - the one with the porn clips - to a fellow sheeper.

Example of use:

Man 1: Jesus Christ man! Why are you walking around with a 9 inch bulge in your trousers?

Man 2 (not JC): I'm going to that crusade next weekend at Tononoka grounds. All the bitches bishops will be there.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


This is a new word that I’ve coined to describe a secretly gay man who plays around with women’s emotions by getting them to fall hopelessly in love with him. It’s formed from the Swahili word for homosexual - Basha - and the name of that serial heart-breaker, Casanova. A Bashanova’s actions help him cope with the burdens our conservative society places on his sexuality.

Bashanova-ing involves targeting women by graciously accepting to accompany them on shopping expeditions for devilish lingerie and outfits. He never complains about the time spent waiting outside changing rooms and will never ever say it’s time to go watch Ghana vs Uruguay. Instead he’ll suggest that they enjoy double deep heat treatments and seaweed masks at a spa. Intimate lattes at Dormans after work are standard followed by going back to her place where he’ll conjure up a sumptuous lasagne from scratch before cuddling together on the sofa to watch multiple episodes of Ugly Betty while nibbling on chocolate and sipping icy Baileys. A successful Bashanova is the envy of other men because women want to spend so much time with him from the minute they look into his eyes. Women swear that they can hear the sound of their ovaries pinging like an elevator when he brushes his hands on their hair. Not surprisingly, he also understands that sex is not everything and that true love waits, yada, yada, yada - he might even whisper the L word but only on the phone when he calls to check whether she received the flowers he sent to the office on Monday morning.

I’m sure some of you have also come across these Bashanovas. Sadly a true Bashanova can never be converted although many women will attempt all manner of tricks in a futile attempt to move their relationship to the next level.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Private thoughts of a Kenyan MP

My name is Bure Kabisa, Member of Parliament (or BK to my dear mother) from a constituency here in Kenya.

I've heard so much anger in the last couple of days directed against the enviable joys of being a Kenyan MP demanding extra salary and I'm happy to note that most of you are being patriotic Kenyans with all this hypocrisy. True to form, even that Tamaku had the temerity to call our craft Politricks! I'd like to catch him and teach him a few tricks myself especially now that he's unemployed. But not alone with him in a room because I AM NOT GAY,OK?

Can I first say that you should expect us to cheat because you have also been up burning the midnight oil scheming ways to bend light with your moneyed bishops who are also very talented in distorting facts. In other words remember you can never defraud an honest man. What does that say about you?

We don't care what you think about us because we live in blissful ignorance of the abject poverty surrounding us. I have many ways to spend your cold cash such as paying for my mistress Claire to get her eyelashes tinted in Bangkok every 3 months after getting her eyebrows threaded and shaped. Claire is fond of traveling so last year I cooked up a 10 day trip to Canada which you all paid for. Business class of course so that we could later enjoy romantic weekends in Mombasa on the airmiles. She especially loved Dildo (the place in Newfoundland, duh! not the other one which is man's greatest rival). Have I told you that Claire is the age of my daughter who is still in college abroad on a fully funded scholarship? Some of you will call me a sexual predator, however because I have money and can get anyone I want, I see myself as the victim for choosing to be with her as well as a few others on the side. My logic used to amuse my teachers but who's laughing now. Things are not always as they appear so you should never rush to judge. But you are allowed to when you are prepared to pay him a handsome bribe. By the way Claire is my favorite with her firm caramel apple butt which I enjoy regularly, thanks to Pfizer for Viagra. I know she loves me for my game. Again I AM NOT GAY, I like to think of myself as a gangster so I guess it’s fair to say that Claire is my bangster. Some nights we bang five times until I feel like I'm having a heart attack therefore it's wise to use my time in parliament to catch a few winks and just rest. It's not easy when you're over 60...

You people on the other hand have never had a taste of the good life so you will only squander any money on basics like foodstuffs for your children. Have you got any idea how much charcoal grilled spiny rock lobster, flambéed with brandy and served in lemon butter sauce at the Tamarind costs nowadays? I like it accompanied with baby carrots and mixed salad leaves so my shit doesn't stink. Jeez, by the way why do you people have children you can't afford, just breeding like rabbits? Tsk,tsk.

Day in day out you waste time shouting yourselves hoarse about our pay and perks which are our honorable right, why don't you just go out there somewhere (don’t ask me where) and make money because that is also your right.  I'm getting sick of attending your fundraisers, do you realise that goat meat is not good for my cholesterol? That's the reason once you’ve tasted a good tuna steak there's no turning back. Surely when do you expect me to use my golf club membership when you also want to see me in parliament debating? Really, I pity you guys, don't you have places to go and get pampered on a Tuesday afternoon like have a massage with extras...nyenyenye, all you do is talk bad about us. What have we done, nothing! A bad pain in the ass you all are. All together now, BK IS NOT GAY!!!

And I don't want to hear dirty questions like 'accountability' with the CDF money because I let my wife's brother use that to top up his beer money.

Remember we already have a deal: you only voted for me because of my tribe, stop pretending now that you were after service delivery and diligence to duty.
What I am saying is quit blaming others for the problems you create because you won’t take responsibility for your own destiny.

See you in 2012 around March time, it will be my pleasure to do it all again.

Bure Kabisa MP