Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
We went calling on those among us who could wield their influence because we had heard them say how much they understood and embraced the spirit of Universal Human rights and fairness, especially those who preached thy neighbour’s love. But we found them already in bed with the oppressor making furious creaky merriment in the same unoriginal fashion. Hanging on the door-knob was a do-not-disturb sign in the familiar fonts of the previously trusted message bearers inked in the warm blood and tears of the hunted. That’s when it dawned on me that you can’t entrust an honest debate on important issues to these robots. They never truly believed in anything worth defending but only went through the motions sleepwalking in complex angles while foraging for shiny tokens to pin onto their rusting armour. Their self-interests had made them blind to ethical dimensions.
I think I’d have more respect for them if they just stopped pretending to defend any human rights.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
my tea black with one sugar, though I've been asking Imelda to make it
for me white without milk. She's a clever one and always gets it right
but I don't think she's really listening how I say it...
So this pic - it's of beautiful bougainvillea flowers growing along
the fence. If you look closely you'll also see the butterfly that I
was very surprised to notice after I'd taken the picture...
Friday, March 19, 2010
Years and years ago when I was a still a chicken (14-16 years old) I was a regular fixture at the nightclub even during school nights ogling at the dancers (male and female, all amazing) and their super-toned bodies. Those were the days frittering away my parents’ cash (money that I could do with right now, by the way) cavorting with hookers, drinking beer and eating pilau with kachumbari downstairs outside the ART shop with pimps, drug dealers and taxi drivers. All this while the parents, my siblings and most normal people slept away…
Yes, there was a time when Nairobi was a safe place to walk at all hours, except on occasion when I encountered policemen with dogs on patrol around that dodgy zone behind KCB Kencom House as I club-hopped from F2 to Tamango (before it was called Visions) on Kimathi Street at 3 am. Always the same script wanting to arrest me on trumped-up drunk and disorderly or loitering charges unless I greased their palms with some chai or tea. I wish I'd go back to those days because I'd be carrying a flask of hot tea for such encounters . Luckily an accident of birth meant I bore my famous grandfather’s name whose mere mention I’d learned early in life could open the right doors wide and the cops normally ended up escorting me to the other club and even gave a little salute as I trotted up the steps for part 2. I guess I was a corrupt little Kenyan, just like most of the others back then, lol! I was also a bit of a brat...
Back to F2 and its mock zebra-skin carpet which I understand nowadays even has a strip club next door. Some nights I’d forget myself only to crawl out of the nightclub in the morning to dazzling daylight and bustling streets. My parents usually left the house for work before we got up, so I’d just go home on the bus and sleep the booze and other substances off before getting up to go back to town to pick up my Enduro trail bike where I’d left it unchained outside F2 because I didn’t want to get myself killed riding under the influence. In fact how I passed my exams I’ll never know because my teachers often wrote in my report card, ‘shows great potential and should go far but is easily distracted’. At least I never missed a scouts overnight camping trip and I never ever went to school pissed….hahahahaa
I also learned the valuable art of keeping people sweet (always smile whatever the situation and never say a bad word behind someone’s back) so the servants and siblings even covered for me. Of course I forged dad’s signature on absence letters to school and one-finger typed these out on mummy’s old manual Olivetti for authenticity. That soon unraveled through a painful ordeal which is a story for another day. Oh, the folly of youth but I was having too much fun reducing my life expectancy by at least 10 years while experimenting with more stuff than many people fit into a lifetime. I count myself very lucky to have escaped unscathed because I quickly got bored and grew up super fast and just managed to get my act together. By the time my friends from school were discovering nightclubs I had that part well and truly behind me. One of these days I might even tell you about my graduation to the massage parlour ‘phase’ with the ‘extras’, if you’re as nice as you usually are.
Sorry about the pic by the way, not being top notch, it’s taken using my iphone’s measly 2 mp camera. I damaged my other camera recently when I dropped it on the bathroom floor (don’t ask) and I can’t seem to get anyone to fix it. I’m not shy, if anyone has a spare slr feel free to swing it my way and I’ll take some interesting shots just for you. Yes you big, big boy there in the tight jeans and nice butt. Eeww, that sounds so creepy.. lol!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
that she put a new pink one on my sink yet again while George got the
blue Colgate flex. Pink for girls, blue for boys, right? Mmmmm...
I'm a Scorpio so I do tend to over analyze things but I can't help
myself wondering whether she now just sees me as George's bitch, lol!
Oh well, whatever....)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Imelda. She's currently wiping the floor with me, coming up with
'subzero' on a triple word score. She's already won the first game of
the day. Aarrrggh õ›. But now she's gone off to prepare lunch, so I've
been naughty and just switched some of her letters. Hehehe, I've also
had a good rummage inside the bag with the letter tiles, lol!
Imelda almost caught me red-handed when she came back unexpectedly to
bring me a cup of Milo, I thought I was going to have a heart-attack
but I managed to pull myself together though I couldn't look her in
I hope you don't think I'm a bad person; but I'm feeling a little
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Currently I’m enjoying reading 50 Ways to Find a Lover by Lucy-Anne Holmes. I picked up a brand new copy abandoned in the airport lounge on my recent trip to London. Which reminds me, imagine how shocked I was to discover the other day that there are websites where you can hire a lover in Nairobi for the night! Or day! Even by the hour! You can now meet real gorgeous men with mouth-wateringly ripped abs or sexy women with curves as tight as the streets of Monte-Carlo. If you like a varied diet you can even have both together. All at the click of a button and of course the slimming of your wallet. A world away from how one woman tried to get me interested not so long ago. My research shows it's even possible to arrange the rendezvous in your office boardroom for the horny but busy exec. By the way if ‘supermarket’ (self-service or taking matters into your own hands solo in the privacy of your bedroom) with lights dimmed and aromatic oils burning is more your thing, you can even pay and download local porn clips instantly, wait let me finish, and away you
It’s all happening here in our supposedly deeply religious and morally righteous African country.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Once upon a time there was a famous and very beautiful girl from the telly. One day she decided to run away from her handsome boyfriend who had smooth and well manicured fingers to a wizard called Timberstick. When he got her to a castle in Runda he began the ancient and secret game of 4ply (here you can sing a little lullaby, 1ply, 2ply, you get the drift). Not to be confused with foreplay which all boys know is just a waste of playstation time, 4ply is a spell practiced under a moonless night to the hypnotising strains of a lone saxophonist. However when you grow up and if you don’t study hard and go to college, you will hear it mentioned in player parlance as ‘short-circuiting a babe’s cpu’. So, this is what Timberstick did with his talented guitar-calloused and blinged up one digit, which came to be known throughout the kingdom simply as da Finga. It was studded like a courgette’s skin and curved like an aubergine, lovely vegetables that you must always eat whenever mummy cooks them for you. They are excellent sources of nutrients but only when chopped and cooked. Now, when boys were still writing with pencils, the wicked wizard was already printing in colour. He was also very experienced in the art of taking off a girl's bra with only one hand. Soon the beautiful girl was frothing at the lips close to dying but not at all in a bad way. She was riding through the sky without a care like a runaway helium balloon. Higher, higher close to heaven, when she saw how bright and beautiful heaven was she cried out: ‘Woooi , OMG…. Oh My God, what is that?’ (Note to parents: feel free to adapt the cry to suit your child’s deportment, religiosity etc, but keep it real)
The evil 4plyer cackled back to her, ‘That my princess is the finger of god’.
And the moral of the story, children? You must tell your teacher if someone wants to put your finger in the electric pencil sharpener. Goodnight my angels, night night….
(Editor’s note: We are trying to see whether Disney will make a movie)
Moving on swiftly here is a finger joke for the adults:
One day John rang his wife from the offshore rig where he worked.
‘Honey don't worry, I’ve had a serious injury but am ok. An accident occurred and my finger was cut OFF.....'She yelled, ‘The hole finger?’ He answered, ‘NO, NO, the one right next to it. ...’
Sunday, March 7, 2010
I had two straight days of intense meetings in Bishopsgate a short walk from Liverpool Street station and went back to my 3 star hotel room in Wembley after like every nice gay businessman does. I wished I’d brought my toys to keep me entertained as I watched porno on the old lappie, hahahaha, but a few nights without never hurt anyone though it can make you cranky in the mornings. The crowded tube carriage is one of my least favourite places anywhere during rush hour but it’s a microcosm of life in one of the world’s greatest cities. Desperately gaunt druggies in sodden coats on their way to chase dragons sat next to nervous Goldman Sachs millionaire
London was like enforced rehab for me because I didn’t drink a drop except on Saturday when I allowed myself more than a little treat to compensate. Saturday evening was raining incessantly, the kind of night when I’d never go out in Nairobi so I just sat in the hotel bar which was full of confident Man Utd fans over for the match with Aston Villa on Sunday. I met travelling discordant couple Marilyn and Lee (he’s Manu while she’s a hardcore brummie Villa fan) and we polished off a bottle of Bombay Sapphire and later chased with some Disaronno, you’d think I’d have learned my lesson about mixing drinks by now. Duly ginned, we blue-toothed email addresses and they said they’d come to Nairobi later in the year but it might just have been the drink talking.
The hotel where I stayed is on Empire Way (suitably named for a queen, I thought) and I had a standard room overlooking a building site, I think it’s for Wembley City. But I didn’t mind because I could see the stadium arch from my room. I took this picture on my phone on Saturday night when I walked round the back of the hotel smoking a cigarette in the drizzle and after speaking on the phone to George. Sorry but my phone doesn’t have a zoom. There was a private party in one of the function rooms at the rear and when I heard PYT blasting away I was so tempted to gatecrash but I’m so glad I didn’t even though I can still shake it. Also my return flight home was on Sunday morning and I had the taxi booked for 6.
When I arrived back in Nairobi, George picked me up from the airport and I said to him hey you my PYT, I really missed your loving. He said show me how much so we went straight home to bed and just had milky cocoa and biscuits after my shower, lol, you know what we actually had. Yes, yes, it was very good...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hello there my luvvies and esteemed friends, we have a new follower….drum roll please....welcome to number 80th! Group hug everybody, feel all the love and warmth that we should me sharing? Wey-hey, ho ho, this calls for a little jig on the kitchen floor with Imelda and a cold tusker down my throat (first one of the day, I hasten to add). Do you think we would be a cult if you all came to our house and you guys stayed over forever and ever just like one big happy gay family?
On a serious note please don't forget to pray for the flooding in Samburu to subside and for our sister the lovely Esther Arunga to wake up and smell the shit around her. How many people who love and care about her is this beautiful woman determined to hurt? Please God, please please give us a happy ending....amen.
Oh, hold on, I've just been handed my bottle of tusker baridi (the champers of beers) and a note by Imelda – "how many people do I want to love me???" Eh? Girl knows me tooo well. Now let me shoot some pool with her and drink some lager, that's enough work for a furahiday….. xx xx xxx
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Hello, hello, just a quickie to say we're fine thanks for asking. I haven't danced the last dance yet! I've managed to avoid falling under a moving bus and when George mixed me a drink the other day I called out to him, 'no aconite root poison for me, honey bunch sweetie pie.' I'm just snowed under with some urgent work for a demanding client at the moment. I haven't spied a white car trailing us nor have strange men in suits and dark glasses turned up at the house asking to speak to me (sigh, a fantasy).
I arrived back from the UK on Sunday night unscathed. The brakes on my car work ok, and the drinking water doesn't taste any different however I was reading somewhere that you start to die the day you are born….
That's all for now my lovely friends. I'm feeling very cheery today so just wanted to say hi and that I'll be back soon. Oh, I've also caught a mild cold but nothing serious I hope. I'm happy with life generally and, contrary to rumours spreading like Starbucks, my blogging mojo hasn't deserted me.